ever feel

Like your whole world is falling apart and everything you ever believed  in , you now question ?? I guess if you can answer yes then you know where I am right now. Where I find myself questioning things I've done decisions I've made, people  I chose to let it and those I've managed to cut out......

Welcome back insomnia.

Last night was terrible, I am not sure what it was, my mind was racing I felt like I couldn't breathe, I was anxious, luckily I didnt medicated and I didnt Panic, I did use some belly breathing techniques and that seemed to do the trick!! But I am exhausted today about 2.5-3 hrs of sleep, and I've been baking cookies all day... what I wouldn't give for a nap or just to lay in bed and close my eyes for awhile...The snow is getting out of control here, like over  a foot on the group and it just keeps coming..!! I am ready for it to stop, its insane out there and I do not like to drive, let alone drive in the snow.!!!

C1 and C2 both have terrible colds...and P is grounded makes for a hectic stressful week ahead, but D is only working 8 hours days I will sure miss the money, but its nice to have him home with us, to help with the kids...I am going to try and lay down for a bit and home the babes can entertain  themselves, I can hardly keep my eyes open!!!

Hiatus

Guess I've sort of been on one!!!  Things got really bad for me there for awhile, I didnt want to get out of bed, I didnt want to shower or go anywhere, clean my house cook for my kids, I guess sometimes I would force myself to write on here, but I really had just given up on myself completely. That was until this weekend , if you remember I hadn't left the house alone in almost 2 weeks( since the last attack) Saturday we had plans with some friends an hour away..eeek.. Then our friends asked to ride with us, DOUBLE EEK!!! I did take a pill, I mean whatever makes it bearable right, I am glad that I did very glad that I did, because I enjoyed my entire night, panic free... Pills are not the answer all the time, but they sure were for me on Saturday night...  I also managed to find the courage to go back to the grocery store with P.J on Saturday during the day, not medicated of course since its so close ... I showered did my hair and slapped on some make up and felt so much better about myself... I wish I could say I was cured, for a quick moment in time I thought I was, I woke up anxious in the middle of the night last night, also while doing dishes I was anxious about the 10000 ft of snow we have.... there is a lot of snow out there, 12-18 inches by morning!!!!

I really just am not sure what to do about the anxiety anymore, part of me thinks that in time it will pass, I think thats the lazy part of me not wanting to work at it to get better , not wanting to face the issues and get over them just waiting for a good couple of years like I've had in the past, which is going to solve nothing in time...it won't be helpful to me or to my family...

These next 3 weeks for me are a whirlwind of christmas get togethers birthdays and  activities with the kids, I will get through it, I always have and always will !!! I must say I get a little more terrified about disney each day!!!!!!

Heartburn really!?!?!

Since D is working doubles all week, I am sleeping alone, something I do not do well, I was actually exhausted last night when I went to bed thinking, YAY sleep.. not so much. I have only had heartburn twice in my life, and this was number two, it hurt so bad that I felt it in my back I ate bread and propped myself up, but with panic disorder we all know where my mind went, I of course told myself it was irrational and not logical and it seemed for the most part to work.. I didnt full on panic....It eventually subsided and I went to bed..but it was no fun, I pray tonight is not more of the same..

Fast forward to tomorrow, I have to leave the house for the first time alone, in almost 2 weeks, 2 weeks is by the way the longest I have gone since I got my license ( at 21) so 4 years, Huge deal to me, I know I can do and will be fine, I just gotta get myself  back out there!!!  Of course  I say that now, wait till I get behind the wheel and then ask me how I feel.

Quick Note....

That I have not left the house alone or driven since over a week ago :( How bad is that?? I need to get out there and do it but yeah no happening.. I left with my safe person this weekend a bunch of times, but not alone.. yikes, this is only going to get worse if I baby it.

And I am back...same day later...

If you remember last time I went to the grocery store I panicked, I have not left the house alone since. I can imagine that when I do it will not be pleasant for me :(  ...o and I still have NOT picked up in my Panic attacks workbook, the exposure therapy, Hopefully next week when D is on a more normal work schedule it will make it easier :)

I did however go to walmart with my safe person and christmas shop this Saturday, twice and kmart, also twice ..without having to take anything, so in my book I did pretty well ...I honestly think the thing I fear the most, is the fear itself..that and death...but I honestly fear having a panic attack more than I fear any other one thing, and knowing its not dangerous or harmful, doesn't ease the fear any, I think the people around me are starting to get frustrated with my agoraphobia, I used to be the type of person that would get up and go to the store for myself, and I am not anymore, I wont do much of anything outside this house alone...

On a happier note, I am done christmas shopping for all 3 of  my children, just gotta do stockings and we are done, I cannot wait to wrap, wrapping is one of the best parts of christmas !!!

Jesus Take The Wheel

Oh man, what a week, what a weekend, what a year for that matter. Failure, its one thing to let myself down, but to have to let everyone else down and have to explain it, I think thats the hardest part of it all,or having someone not be as supportive as I'd like when  I do fail.. It's hard and makes me feel even less hopeless and even more like I can't do it anymore.... I want to get better I do, but it seems like such a small issue in the grand scheme of things, I mean sure my panic disorder sucks, in fact its the hardest thing I've ever been through in both childhood and my adult life, but really in the bigger picture it seems so unimportant.. There are some things that just matter more like family and friends, and love..and I wish that were enough of a realization to overcome it all, not just panic disorder but all lifes hardships, I know in the end everything always works out the way it should, but why does the road there have to be so bumpy, some say it helps you appreciate the good times more, I don't believe that , I believe good times as just as good with a smooth journey there. I just pray for the strength and patience to get through this hard time, and maybe for the support and understanding of those I love...

Babies are awake from nap..

Weekends are exhausting

and ive had 0 time to post anything, I have a lot to say, I just am about to fall asleep onto the keyboard.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Thanksgiving!!!

Ohh Thanksgiving!!! I decided to take .5 MGs of klonopin before we went to dinner at my brothers. I think it was a mistake, I believe I would have gotten through it without the meds but now I will never ever know.. I havne't taken it since November 7th, so it was about 3 weeks... but man o man the days  I do take it , I feel like I can take over the world,its so nice to have those anxiety panic free days, much deserved I might add. Thanksgiving was good, food was yummy.

I decided to reward myself for having a good day by having an adult night, D and I went this his best friends girlfriends house and played poker with 2 other couples, and drank some wine....Now comes the scary part, I had a lot of wine and some champagne, I won't lie about it, A LOT... I didnt feel too bad...until we left to go home, the cold air hit me and holy crap, I remember some of the ride home and then going to bed and getting changed, I lost that entire time, I have NO recollection of it whatsoever, which I am sure has to do with mixing the medication and the alcohol, but I have been racking my brain trying to get that time back and its gone.. I asked D everything that happened and he told me, But its scary to just completely not remember it . I will no longer be mixing my medication with alcohol, even if its just wine...

Overall it was memorable and I have no idea why I dreaded it..... Right now I am at a cross road between making the decision to stay medicated, knowing that eventually I will wean myself off, I always do, I always have periods where I do not take it at all, or just quitting it now.. I hate relying on it, but its so very helpful, it makes my life bearable and I can be happy.. I am so confused.

What a difference a year makes :(

Its hard to believe that 1 year ago today I hosted thanksgiving without a hitch went out at 4 AM to target to shop for black Friday.. stood in like for 3 hours total... I did get anxious but was able to stay....and here I am now, not hosting this year, and having to go somewhere and terrified to be in a house with a lot of people and away from home, I am really debating taking meds for this day, only because I want to enjoy it and not be anxious the entire time, I haven't taken meds, in 3 weeks... Sigh.. No clue what to do.


I am going to my brothers house, I actually asked not to host this year and I am glad in a sense I did, D is working doubles and I don't have time to prepare everything  or clean my house to get ready...but still there will be my brothers girlfriends family as well, makes for a lot of people, I had trouble at our football party with a lot of people and I was home.. I am just scared , I will have my safe person, so I shouldn't be... I am condemning myself to failure before I've even tried !!

I miss..

a time when I was less likely to snap so easily, a time when I was less angry at everyone , a time when I was a more patient mother, a time when I didn't have to give myself a pep talk , just to go grocery shopping , I miss a time where I made getting dressed daily more of a priority, I miss a time where I didnt envy people for being happy or for not having the issues I do, I miss a time when I was kinder because I had less going on in my own life, I miss a time when I didn't have to be taken care of and a time when I was easy to get a long with, a miss a time when my anxiety was something I thought I had overcome...Mostly I just miss myself :(

Being alone...

makes me very anxious... I am here for another hour by myself, Ds at work, and all three kids are at school ... I know what it is about being alone that terrifies me. I just wish that it didn't !!! I still havent started the exposure therapy..I was going to last night, but reading that book before bed is like watching the scariest movie ever, before bed. I probably wont start it tomorrow either to be honest...

I was thinking last night that I remember in 2009, I couldnt drive to the mall, I remember taking back roads so that if I had to escape to turn around I could..now in 2010, I was driving much farther distances than the mall...I keep telling myself that I will get back to the point, I have to get back to the point right?

Monday..gag...

I really do hate Mondays, and this week D is pulling doubles, so I double hate Monday this week :)

Anyways the weekend was kind of uneventful, I did manage a Kmart and a Walmart trip with D ( my safe person) Its amazing what a different a person can make in your ability to do things, but I havent been out alone since the attack on friday... I was remembering a time when walmart wasnt so scary... its rough to look back to the easier times and hard to hold onto hope that one day it will be easy again... I got to part 3 in my Panic attacks workbook, where I am actually supposed to start exposure therapy, I have yet to start reading it or doing this part, I want to wait till I feel I am 100 percent ready,I am also going to start exposure therapy without a safe person, because I feel I can do pretty much anything with him, its without him I am having issues...

One thing I am supposed to do , is to pick people ,friends or family, close to me and tell them what I am going through. I am NOT ready for that, but I have two people in mind that I would love to share with.. I have shared this blog site with 2 friends, the 2 I felt would be unlikely to judge me and think differently of me, other than that..My panic disorder is for the most part a complete secret from my friends, D knows of course, but he doesnt know about my blog site,for I fear my inner most thoughts are too much for even him sometimes. I really want to share with these two people and maybe it would be easier if that sharing didn't have to be done face to face, but thats how this book would like me to approach it...

better late than never right?

Self assesment...

This is long, so you might not read it, I am going to take this same test in 3 months and see where I am... this is for me... :)

On the overall affectedness scale you are probably anxious and or depressed much of the time. More than likely it is hard for you to enjoy life on any consistent level. You are always second-guessing yourself and the world around you. You are over thinking and obsessing and you hardly ever experience peace of mind. You’re often fearful, worrisome, and unhappy. You don’t like being this way but you don’t know what to do to change. Things are too much work and no one understands the way you feel. You go from worry to depression, to worry again, wearing yourself out with your thoughts and what if thinking. You probably hate yourself much of the time for being so miserable to be around and yet you can’t seem to find comfort when you’re alone. Nothing makes you feel safe or happy, and life is just one big struggle. Please, get help. You can be happy and confident again. You just need a clear plan of action and the right tools.


Agoraphobic Feelings: You are an extreme worrier and catastrophizer. You are constantly evaluating your situation and anticipating potential for danger or embarrassment. You have allowed your worry and anticipation of bad things happening to control your life. You avoid doing certain things that could make you anxious and uncomfortable. You make excuses to your family and friends about why you can’t do things and go certain places. Possibly you have created a safe area and comfortable boundaries in your life. Possibly you feel safe at home, or you have limited your travel to a certain place or distance. There might be places you will go and places you won’t go, things you will do and things you won’t do. Your life has become very limited and you make decisions based in fear. You are probably holding yourself back from some wonderful life experiences because of your fears. You worry that you will panic, die, choke, faint, lose your mind, or embarrass yourself in front of someone in situations or places that make you uncomfortable. This level of agoraphobia (anxiety and avoidance) is confining and controlling and greatly affects the quality of your life. You possibly avoid shopping, driving, or socializing on some level. You also probably avoid any travel that threatens your sense of control, such as buses trains, airplanes, etc. You make plans around your fears. You won’t go unless there is a private restroom close by, you won’t go unless you can sit by the door, you won’t go unless you can drive…and often you simply just won’t go because you don’t want to feel those anxious body feelings.


General Anxiety: You are an intense person who constantly feels on edge. You worry and anticipate about things in your life on an ongoing basis. You are often in a sensitized state. This means you are extremely sensitive to lights, sounds, and your surroundings. You probably have an anger problem and might even struggle with explosive outbursts. You feel like a car in high gear with the brakes on, you are all wound up with nowhere to go. Your mind races with a thousand reasons why you should worry. Physically you may experience intense inner nervousness, shallow breathing and sighing, upset stomach, headache, muscle tension, and even rapid heart beat. Probably you are someone who worries about your health. Do you have a disease; are you having a heart attack? You anticipate situations that you are concerned about for days, if not weeks in advance. These situations could include health tests or exams, travel plans, social or professional events or pressures. You have an extremely difficult time relaxing and might sometimes use alcohol or medications to help you calm down. You envy people who are relaxed and happy because both these traits seem to elude you.


Panic: You are an over reactor who is often in a state of alert. You create panic in your body and in your life by an unconscious choice you make to overreact. When you do this you release certain body chemicals such as adrenalin that actually make you more anxious and create panic feelings. Your heart pounds, your breathing becomes difficult and shallow, you feel spacey, you begin to sweat, and your mind begins the what-if fearful thoughts. If your in a car you worry about losing control while driving, if your in crowd you worry about being trapped or doing something foolish, if you’re up high on a balcony you may worry about falling…or worse yet, jumping! Your mind is racing now. You know you’re going to die or lose control. You need to get out. You need to breath. You need to go somewhere safe…but where? You are in a full blown panic attack. It is frightening and overwhelming. Nothing matters but feeling in control again. Possibly you run to the emergency room, to your family doctor, or to a therapist. Possibly you take medication. If you suffer with panic attacks control is important to you. You want to know how long, how far, and how many people will be there. You need to feel safe and in control at all times. You live with a constant fear of panic attacks. Sometimes you panic for no real reason. Other times you may avoid places and activities that have caused panic attacks before. You may plan your life around anticipation and avoidance of future attacks. Panic attacks are horrifying. You are convinced you are dying, losing your mind, or losing control in some way.

Take 2

This is the second attempt at this post, this first time around C1 ( my 2 yr old unplugged my computer and I lost it all.... So Take 2!!

today I had to go to the grocery store, and I was so hopeful and optimistic that i debated going on the highway to the store in the next town , but I did not for 2 reasons. 1, I didnt have a lot of time, and 2 maybe it was too big of a store to conquer just yet..

I went to a store about 5-7 minutes away depending on lights, I did okay, mid way through I got anxious but it went , I actually did the line check out instead of self check out, I always do self to keep myself busy, the guy who got behind me had an oxygen tank, go figure right, I do okay, I am walking out and get very anxious as my foot feels numb, being numb is a huge trigger for me... I know I will be fine once I start to load the car up, and I was , I start to leave and I swear it hit me like a ton of bricks, I had started to panic, as bad as its gotten in awhile...Id say I was full on panic by the time i got to the arbys drive thru, which I decided to stop despite the hard time I was having.. I got through it but I remember thinking about death and dying, and fainting and all the sudden I look down and there is a cut on my finger and that freaks me out apparently, I get to the drive thru and have to wait in a line and I do not have my phone, I have Ds phone, so I cannot call my safe person, I had not taken my vitamin, I had no gum and no water ( until after the drive thru guy handed me my water) I was without all my support people and objects, which is a good thing for long term recovery, but a bad thing for my mindset right then and there. I get back out on the road and get stuck at a light, I feel light headed and dizzy and I stop to think about my breathing and how thats probably causing it, it didnt help at all :( I thought maybe it would, I tried to calm myself down, but I ended up arguing with my thoughts and getting no where, back on the road, the car in front of me went 10 below the speed limit... I get home the literally the moment I get out of the car, I was alright... I just wish my mind would stop doing this to me, I shouldnt act or talk like a victim in the situation but I cant help it right now, I had finally been able to go to the store ..without worry and now I will worry about even driving those 5-7 minutes away now... depressing..discouraging.devastating ..

I got home and took my vitamin and I am okay now... Ive been okay since almost the moment I walked in, I did take a 30 minute cat nap , because I was very light headed, I am sure it had to do with my low blood sugar and the fact that I am getting sick, and not fainting like I like to jump to.

My kids are driving me batty today , I am sure the high stress has something to do with my recent issues. ( just hit save c1 is by the plug) I need a break from my life for a little bit, my kids fight with each other non stop and scream non stop, I just need a slow down for a little bit, to breathe...

Anyways , I hope everyone has a great weekend.. I have no plans.. I look forward to doing nothing.

New Layout!!

Isnt it pretty!?!? :) I got a disney ticker on here too, now you too know how long before I have brave driving 17 hours, or rather riding I am not driving at all :) I upgraded our resort today I just cant do Value resort its not for me... I also upgraded BIL and SILs , I will be paying the 250 for their upgrade as well, I figure...for 250 dollars for a week a bigger room and better transportation, I would be a fool not to...!!

Today I ventured to the bank and to subway ( all in my safe radius) I did cheat with subway and called ahead and ordered to avoid the lunchtime subway line... I didnt even get anxious and this was pre vitamin taking too!!! big step... Anyways, today I feel optimistic, its been awhile since I've felt hopeful, its a nice change for me, Since I am a negative person by nature, or as a therapist once told me, I was that way by choice, either way , its who I am.. Today I feel like I will be alright and I will get through this, like I have before, and I credit a lot of that , to this Panic attacks workbook, I cannot tell you how much it has helped me. It really shines a new light on panic disorder, and understandable mangagable point of view, that panic is nothing more than a mindset, its not dangerous.. I really hope to find a therapist that knows a thing or two about anxiety, it seems every one I have had so far has known so little, the last one told me I wasnt agoraphobic, because I didnt fear when her office door was closed?? Which I knew was very untrue.. so I am hoping to be able to find one that has dealt with Panic disorder before and knows the ins and outs of it :)

I have been on the phone with Disney for an hour now by the way.grrrr..!!

Somethings Off...

I can't explain it, but something doesn't feel right, I am overly anxious today, I am literally on edge and I have no clue why :( I havent picked up my book in days and I do mean days... I wish I were better at this, I mean to recover I have to be willing to try and face it , instead I only face it when it gets bad, otherwise..I let it go.... to get better that has to stop, tonight I will finish chapter 6 and go onto chapter 7, so far its been very helpful...Well kind of, I mean I havent driven out of my safe zone since a week and 2 days ago, but for the most part its working, its going to be getting cold out ...hopefully I can try and make a simple trip to the next road over like 5 minutes on the highway before it starts snowing...

anyways I hope everyone else is well, I am waiting for all the kids to get home from school, maybe thats the issue is that I am completely alone and that terrifies me?? I have no clue.. But I am overly happy about my insurance kicking in Jan 1st...This way I can get with someone and talk it out and hopefully do CBT therapy and end this.. I am going to be adding a ticker here , when I figure out how.. I am pretty good with computers but this new blogger template setup, has thrown me for a loop!! The ticker will be for our Disney trip, because I have to sit i n a car for 17 hours to disney.. with the kids..we debating flying but I believe driving will be easier on me, even if it takes about 15 hours more!!!

.........

This post lacks a title, because I cannot come up with one that fits, its been a few days since ive posted. I did end up going to the grocery store alone and did well, I also then went to my sons soccer game and did not take my medicine and did fine.. I went bowling that night and kind of started to freak out when I saw all the cars in the parking lot.. I was anxious for a bit,but in the end all was well...

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night very anxious, anxious as I've been in awhile, I was on the verge of a panic attack. Before bed we watched this show on T.V and one of the characters ends up with a brain tumor and needs surgery... this freaks me out, I am sure there is an underlying issue as of why, not just that I have medical anxiety, well I had a dream at night about it and woke up anxious.. it was terrible.. Night time is always worse for me as it is... I got over it and went back to bed , I will leave the gross details out :)

Lately I've been very depressed...Everyone wants to know how its possible to feel so alone surrounded by so many people? I have no idea, but I have never felt so alone, so isolated, so disconnected, its taking a toll on my personal relationships for sure.. I feel somehow I've felt this way for awhile but the anxiety and or depression is making it worse, like I've always felt alone and unappreciated, but its like its under a magnifying glass now ... a small problem has become a much larger one, and I have no clue how to solve or even approach any of it..What I do know is that if I or the people I love don't come to a conclusion soon its going to end very badly.

I hope everyone else had a wonderful weekend... I usually dislike Mondays, today...I kind of welcome D going back to work...sad right?

I hope you Dance

Hooray !!!! we sold my car today, it is gone and back to two payments, which is amazing, even if I was really looking forward to only having one for awhile :)

Today I went grocery shopping alone and unmediated, I did fairly well, considering the grocery store is just outside my safe zone, so not a huge achievement but still keeps my hopeful. I am learning in my workbook to tell myself that my panic attacks are not dangerous, while uncomfortable, they cannot harm me, that I am merely scared and not in danger. It seemed to have helped today when thinking of things that could happen or might happen, I tried to tell myself you are only scared , you are not in danger . I did okay, not great, not terrible. This workbook is also teaching me what causes my attacks and what to do when I feel one coming on, I have also learned that what I thought I feared the most was fainting and while it is a very strong fear, what I fear the most is having a panic attack, and thats why I start to become agoraphobia not to avoid fainting because Ive never fainted, but to avoid the actual panic itself. So on the way home from the grocery store the Faith Hill song came on, the one that goes, When you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance, nothing in the world could have been more fitting at the time, I was thinking about all the things I had missed out on recently because I was afraid, that is NO way to life your life, scared ,isolated and alone, I told myself that I would start trying, that I was going to try and start living life, with anxiety and panic or course , but to try and rid myself of the fear !!!


I hope everyone has an amazing weekend, P has a soccer game and I am going to not medicate myself this week, because I don't need it, its only making things worse for me, what am I actually medicating the fear, why when the fear is not dangerous ??? I am then going bowling with D and his friend and his friends girlfriend and P, C1 and C2 are staying in... :) I will let you all know if I survived the weekend !!


ETA- I havent had an actual full blown panic attack, since September 18th, but I have avoided things to prevent them.. .. This is actually for my own records and a random fact for you..lol

Giving Back

I am sitting here thinking, have I ever really given back, I mean if I meant in a loving caring way, then yes sure, but material wise, I do not believe that I ever have. I hate to sit here and think about all the times I've wanted to and never got around to it, I mean shouldn't I make time for things like that, Yes I should, but never have :( It saddens me to realize while I've always meant to donate old coats, or give to toys for tots,send a package overseas, I've never actually done any of those things. I've given away baby clothes instead of selling them, but I never really donated to food drives,put something in the boxes at the grocery stores when they are collecting, I am more than sure I can afford to and my family would not go without. I think this makes me a very selfish person. I hope that this year it won't be like that, I am going grocery shopping tomorrow and I am going to put something in that box and see if P's school is still collecting can goods, so many people are going without this holiday season, so think back on your own life and ask yourself , have you ever given back?

Slacker

Thats me, I have been slacking, either that or just busy or lazy.

Well we sold my car, tentatively, Supposed to go pay it off friday morning, so cross fingers and prayers all goes smoothly, that takes a big huge weight off of me...!!!

Also found out today that D can carry me on his insurance, they approved it, just gotta send in the dependant verification forms and then as of the first of the year I will be covered, and after a year and a half of being uninsured its welcome, I am not sure how so many Americans go uninsured, I haven't been to the Dr since my 6 week check up from having c2... so HOORAY!!

Its been a week of very good news... and much welcomed and needed good news.

now onto Tuesday and Wednesday..


Tuesday- We went out to lunch at a restaurant about 6 -10 minutes away, I went and didn't medicate , I did have a drink when we got there, though it didn't really help, I did amazingly well for not taking anything...Tuesday night was the first night in awhile that I was anxious at bed time and had a hard time falling asleep, I am exhausted today from it, So I am hoping I have a better night tonight.

Wednesday- which is today, I realized that in my new panic attacks workbook, I had only read/done 2 chapters, so I picked the book at nap time, and I have one page of chapter 5 left, so I am making okay progress with it, If you suffer from panic disorder, its an amazing book, that really puts things into perspective and easy to relate to , I think thats the problem with many self help books out there for anxiety , is that they are not written for people like you and me, while informative, very hard to follow and lose yourself in. This book has some good exercises so far that make you dig deep within the attacks and deep within your thoughts to help you realize what is really going on with your body and how what is going on is NOT dangerous, I am really enjoying it and I hope to learn a lot from it. I don't expect recovery to come overnight, I am in this for the long haul though....

So anyway I have been doing fairly well, I am going bowling this weekend, with my P and D's best friend his girlfriend and their kids.. We will see how that goes.. On a saturday night at a bowling alley...... Saturday , P also has another game, I am debating medicating this time around or not, I am unsure of what Id like to do this time.. I mean if I did medicate I would take .5 MG instead of 1mg!!!

One last thing, thoughts are with K, today who also suffers from panic disorder, she is getting on a plane and flying, I know you can do it , my prayers and well wishes are with you, You'll get through it.

Boiling Point

What an emotional stressful day its been.... I am not sure that my anxiety had time to come through with all the anger I've felt today... I guess I get tired of being all things to all people,and when it comes to me, I feel that I don't even deserve the slightest of considerations. It all came to a head today and I lost it,maybe on the wrong person and or people, but non the less justified. I am that type of person that holds it in, very unhealthy, but then I reach a point where I've held it in so long that I explode on the nearest person,or in this case people, and then you realize that you've burned bridges that you wished you hadn't.

I surely cannot handle more on my plate than I have now, I am tired of being the person that takes care of everything, and I do mean everything, I worry about everything , so no one else has to, but I am only human , I can only handle so much before I snap... I swear I've cried a good part of the day, screamed through some of it was angry through all of it... I need a break from it all, just to collect my thoughts and be ME again, I get so lost in taking care of everyone else and being all things to all people, that I forget who I am.. I think its my main issue right now, I've lost myself, I mean who am I, I am a girlfriend , I am a mother , I am a daughter a Sister, a friend.. but beyond that, who am I to myself? I haven't a clue anymore.


I am sitting here writing this and I forgot about a commitment I had made last night...I didn't attend and it totally slipped my mind, it was something I was looking forward to , and now of course I am overly bummed about that....Ahh 2011 will be a better year it has to be!

Weekend...

I am sure that you have noticed that I dont write too much on the weekends, I am usually busier than the weekdays!!

Saturday- I had a lot to do , Soccer Game, Mall, Birthday Party... I decided at 9 AM, I would take 1 MG klonopin, because I wanted to enjoy the day not be anxious for all of it... My safe person was with me at the game and at the mall, and it went off without a hitch I didnt feel a bit anxious the entire time I was either place. I hate that Ill never know if it was me or the meds, I must say that the meds dont always 100 percent work... So I will credit to both the meds and myself... The birthday party I decided to attend alone, with 2 of my children, I drove there, on the high way and even managed to get lost twice, I did get anxious a very very little bit at the party but it was nothing I couldn't handle.... It was around 4 PM, so the meds had more than worn off by this point, at least thats what I am telling myself ;) but I got through it highway , getting lost and party without my safe person, I have to mention this is the same exact highway I was on when the attack on September 17th happened, I never ever travel this way on the highway ... well I can remember three times in the past year, Once to my sons baseball game and once when the attack happened and yesterday... So I did very very well all things considered. I was overly proud of myself that day...

Sunday- We had people over for dinner, I did not medicate this day , I didnt see a point, I got anxious when they got here for a brief period of time, but that subsided, sunday was a pretty laid back day minus all the crazy cooking I had to do, I made BBQ ribs, Homemade mac and cheese and baked potatoes...Yumm.. Only I dont eat ribs....

and then there is today, I am really down today , I am sure its PMS, but I am depressed today , I honestly think there is more going on in my personal life then I would like to admit... Maybe the suppressed feelings have a little do with the anxiety or maybe not, I am not sure I will ever know. ( I had to stop blogging to go and scrub orange pop that C2 had exploded all over my WHITE carpet) I got almost all of it out though thank goodness. Now they are down for nap, which means I get to go clean my house...

UPS brough me a package =)

Look what came in the mail today... I am excited to start it when the kids go to bed.... I hear good things about it and I can only hope its the answer to my prayers, I wanted to start it the moment I got it, but it says do not start a chapter you dont have time to finish do not skim, there are parts that will make you anxious and if you skim you wont get to the parts that show you how to get through it.. So when the kids go to bed, I am going to tackle Chapter 1.

Grocery store today ... I took D with me, I couldnt do it alone, he drove and I still melted down on the way.. he however made me finish what I started, he use to enable me, until my psychologist said he was an enabler..lol.. I kind of miss the old days where he just accepted it and did what I said. I live through it , with NO gum and nothing to drink, I never panic only got anxious and cried a couple times, but I still went, its step 1...

I usually host thanksgiving this year I asked someone else to , what the hell was I thinking?? I have a hard time even leaving the house right now, why would I do that??? well whats done is done and I have to spend thanksgiving away from home, we shall see how this goes...

P has a soccer game and soccer pictures tomorrow and then to the mall afterward to get him some new jeans, he ruins his jeans so quickly, sort of frustrating.. but I have a soccer game , and the MALL, I am pretty sure this is every person with Panic disorders nightmare.. I am going to take my medication, because tomorrow isn't about me or my recovery on my own terms, its about my son.

New Fears, Old Fears, Strange Fears.

Just thinking about my disorder... I strongly believe that I had overcome it, that I had it under complete control...... Until that damn bee sting.. Because my FEAR used to be fainting, and that came from the first incident when I was 16.... I still to this day HAVE that fear... but I don't think its any longer my MAIN fear, I think my new main fear is not being able to swallow because when I got stung by the bee I was fine, until the panic took over me and all the sudden I went to "what if" I am allergic, or what if something happens to me.... because I literally FELT like I couldnt swallow, I now know that was all the panic .. then it seemed so real and like it was really happening, so maybe I hadnt overcome it entirely, maybe thats why it came back when something triggered it, but boy these last two years were amazing!!! So here I am , with not only the fear of fainting but tack on the fear of not being able to swallow, and viola, panic disorder comes back, worse than its been in 9 years, besides when I was younger, maybe even not then, this is the worst I can EVER remember it being, this is the most house bound Ive ever been, but then again I didnt drive back then, so I didnt really have the fear of driving .... I did have the fear of driving because I didnt get my license, but I was never this HOUSE BOUND ... I guess the agoraphobia has really just taken over this time.

Its 1150 AM , My time and I need to go to the grocery store 6-7 minutes away, do you know what I wouldn't give for that not to be a HUGE deal.

:)

It just feels good to smile tonight... ;)

Par for the Course

Ahh. How I wish I could not worry if even for a day. Its like worrying about things,especially things I cannot change, it comsumes my entire day. Today its worrying about my kids and if they have anxiety and or some other issues, I am unsure what to think and what to make of all my stupid thoughts, I wish I could let things play out the way they were meant to be, they will anyway, so why spend my life worrying about them. It surely wont change the outcome, just make me a little crazier....

I went to subway today, did amazing in the 20 minute line and about 1 minute away from home I got super anxious and started to PANIC , I havent actually PANICED in awhile, Thankfully I was only 1 minute away from home and got home quickly and it subsided. I really am looking forward to the day when driving isnt a HUGE deal again,when I can take my son to speech therapy again, I am sure she wonders why I havent been there and his father has . I kind of want to write her a letter and tell her everything, at least that way maybe just maybe she would understand a little better or maybe just not judge me for not being there.. I was taking him to every appt at first, before all this crap happened at least. I just want to be a good mother, It should only matter that I am in the eyes of my children, but I still don't want to be judged for what I cannot do instead applauded for the things I have overcome just to be a mother. Either way life is life I have to accept that other people won't always agree or see things my way.

D is doing a 16 hour day, I will be here for, 16 hours alone..I am so dreading it, P is the only one with school tomorrow as well, the babies will be here and just me... Ill get through it I always do.

Can't win them all

I went to the bank today, and of course after my semi awesome day yesterday today was a mess of a drive, I didnt panic per say but I was scared I was going to the entire time... I forgot to take my vitamin. Its amazing what a difference a darn vitamin can make.. I have since taken it, and the day is shaky the first shaky day I've had since 2 weeks ago..At least they arent daily, I am sure my anxiety has a little to do with all the caffeine in the chocolate ive been eating , I except chocolate have cut caffeine out of my diet 100 % ... I am going to start with Chocolate next.

I woke up with a stabbing kidney pain this morning, it eventually went away but is back tonight, I am sure its due to the decrease in water intake, or the increase in vitamins, not sure but its hurting tonight...

Insurance Enrollment was a bust it won't let me do anything online so we have to call in the A.M, it says I cannot change anything to annual enrollment which is only open from Nov 1-Nov 5, so it is enrollment. Why do they make insurance so hard,something that should be beneficial and wonderful, so difficult and hard to deal with.

As I sit here in pain the kidney thing is actually starting to worry me ... :( I am going to drink water and cut back on the halloween candy.. Hopefully that will help..

Happy Monday <3

Welcome November

November means Insurance enrollment month for us, I can currently uninsured, making drs appts a thing of the past, Today I will try and enroll myself in D's insurance as a Domestic Partner, while they recognize domestic partnerships, there a few minor, or rather major things that are getting in the way... Last night I left the house and got anxious, because before I left I had checked my Facebook and my trigger word, my MAIN trigger word, was written. I think facebook for the most part does me more harm with my anxiety. It seems people post the most tragic personal things on there, I am sure I am guilty of this once or twice myself. I have debated hiding the people that are always posting medical updates, because I cannot handle it, but what is running going to solve? D, works a 16 hour shift today, ALL night.. I am sure I wont sleep well.. I have a hard time when he is not here... C1 and C2 have school tomorrow, but P is off, So I think I am going to TRY and take him somewhere just him and I, he needs the one on one time badly....

I hope everyone enjoys the rest of the 2010... Counting down to Thanksgiving<3>

Quickly

Wanted to mention that I went and took C1 ( my middle child) to get a haircut today, I sat in the chair, and anyone with panic disorder knows, sitting in a beauticians chair is a big deal... and then went to the store afterward to get him a toy, All without getting anxious... There was an hour wait, I was going to go to a different place, but I couldnt bring myself to get on the highway..I am trying to focus on the fact that I went and I did GREAT... Baby steps

Its Storming

They say when it rains it pours,I guess when it pours for me it storms. This has little to do with anxiety and more to do with life. I always wonder what I've done so horrible to deserve such bad karma, I have a lot of blessings in life, but it always seems something is there to pull me down, once I get comfortable something jilts me back into hard times. I don't understand it, and I am not sure I want to. I am one of those people that refuses to let the door slam in someones face, and that always says hello to people, and never complains when the elderly stop me in the store and want to talk about sale prices or the good ole days. Still the bad karma finds me, I cannot imagine the karma that finds the people that have done pure evil. I could say its not fair and it sucks, but those are both givens. What I am going to say, is that god has a plan, even when I don't see it or merely understand it, he has a bigger picture, and in that bigger picture, all is right in the world.

Where it all began 10 years Ago

I was 15 years old, living a normal life, I had amazing friends and a great social life. I worked at an Italian Ice Stand. It was about 10 minutes before closing time and a family came in, I was making their sno cones, when I went to change the ice I hit the pedal before I had taken my hand out... It didnt do anything to me, but make me FREAK out..luckily the family that stopped was a god send and helped me out, I thought I was going to faint...I did not.. no panic attack then

Fast forward to the next day...I was in 2nd or 3rd period History or English class ( Amazing how the details have since faded) ..and there it was... My first ever attack, I was drinking Dr.Pepper and I went to the nurses office a friend came with me. The nurse asked if I was on some kind of drugs, I was not obviously, it was a panic attack, I thought for sure I would faint right then and there, hence, my number one all time fear.. fainting, and lucky me, thats what anxiety makes you feel like you are going to do..

I to this day, Do not eat sno cones or DRINK Dr. pepper, they are both VERY big triggers for me.. From there my life was never the same, it was changing schools, yeah big deal to me, I had it all at my school, I was popular , well liked, I had an amazing life there, but I couldnt handle classes anymore, I left that school and went to a half day type school where I did get my diploma. I was put on an anti-depressant and Klonopin . and my anxiety seemed to have gotten better, at 17 I went off to college. I lived a normal life... I dropped out of college, biggest mistake I ever made, I got pregnant at 18 ... March 23rd 2004, I had a terrible Anxiety attack... and it all came back... it happens like this every so often.. then Ill resume normal life... However.. In 2008 I was pregnant with my third child and decided I was done with medication, so from October 2008-September of 2010 I was off all medication and I just dealt with it......

On September 17th 2010, I was 20 minutes away from home, when I got stung by a bee on my lip, my lip went numb and all the sudden the negative thoughts started, what if I am allergic, and then I felt like I couldnt swallow, and I could of course and I KNOW i am not allergic, I had all 3 kids 20 minutes away from home, I had to medicate drive home a MESS with 3 kids in the backseat and I talked to D the entire way home, but I made it...So September 18th, My nieces birthday, we get 6 minutes away and I start to lose it... I am now back where I always end up, powerless over my own life, I feel like I do not even control my own thoughts or emotions anymore.


So I have anxiety, Panic disorder, which induces mild agoraphobia, I've always avoided the agoraphobia by making sure I left the house no matter how uncomfortable it was ... I can honestly say that is NOT the case this time, I am still leaving the house and driving within my safe radius, but nothing like I was. I know it will take time to get back to where I used to be, but I am NOT at all a patient person.


I have what some people call, medical or health anxiety, and I am a hypochondriac, trust me if I hear it, I have it, I don't make it public that I think I have it, or that it will happen to me , but its in my head and it controls my thoughts.

One psychiatrist once pointed out that right before my attacks started, I had lost my grandfather, my first and only major loss my entire life, she said that a lot of my anxiety probably came from the loss of a loved one, it makes sense, my fear of death of anything medical that may cause death... There is a lot that I need to sort out.

Things like accidents on the highway or ambulances are triggers, shows on T.V like ER, or anything with a tragic hospital scene, not to mention hospitals themselves, which is silly since I have been through 9 major surgeries, and I am only 25. Also managed to have 3 children and get 4 tattoos with my fear of needles, Ive flown twice and rode in a car for a 24 hr trip. Some would say that most of my life has been a success story. I do acknowledge my triumphs with this disorder, but I tend to focus more on the downfalls. I am in a rut right not that I cannot get out of, I am angry with myself. That is not going to get me anywhere...

Anyways, I am glad I finally shared, it was tough to type out and relive..

blahhhh

thats how I feel today..Nothing really new, today has been a pretty normal non anxious day, my first in awhile, I just dont really feel well today...!! Other than that things are great.. by great I do mean I havent tried to drive anywhere or left the house, but still great .... This weekend is trick or treat I am excited about that.. Its thursday and thankfully this week flew by!!!

The most uneventful blog post EVER!! LOL!!!

I am going to get back to reading my anxiety and phobia workbook and working out of it, I think that it can help me.

SO HAPPY!!!

I took my kids to trunk or treat with my mom tonight, just 3 kids and her and I, there was an hour long line and anyone who has panic disorder, knows lines are the enemy....!! but I did medicate before I went, who cares, I GOT THROUGH IT!!! without water or gum, and mostly without my phone, I used it somewhat, but not like usual, I am very proud of myself right now...WOOHOO, I did use some acceptance stuff, I didnt fight the anxiety or the thoughts I simply told myself, I am uncomfortable but I am NOT in danger, and that I had to do this for my kids! So I am on CLOUD 9 RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!

Driving

crap crap crap...

I waited to get my license until I was 22 years old .. I am now 25, Ive had it for almost 3 years and driving at times was somewhat an issue, but I dont remember it ever being this bad..and its because I allowed to anxiety to rule my life.. I have no idea what I am going to do, going to the store, 2 minutes away was a big deal today, maybe just maybe..It was because I allowed myself to FEAR being anxious so I got anxious..I have no idea.. but this sucks, I want to be able to do things like before, 2 weeks ago , I went grocery shopping with pretty much no issues, I have to keep leaving the house because if I don't, it will never get better, but pushing myself is so hard even if it is for the better. I feel bad for D, because I have to depend on him for most things right now and thats not fair , I am the runner, ive always been the runner and he enjoyed that, now he has to run most places..I really need to get over this.. stupid stupid anxiety.

Started Good

Ended not so well.... My youngest son fell and busted his mouth open, thankfully my sister was here and could deal with it, usually works out like that for some reason, I think the man upstairs has more control than I give him credit for. anyways, I dont do well with injury or especially blood.... :( I called my mother to come over and she was very cruel when she got here, as she often is, very cold and impersonal, ohwell we haven't fought in such a long time that it was bound to happen, I know I wasnt wrong and I am not backing down and saying that I was.... anyways the fall prompted a very high stage 3 for me..grr... I could just go to bed if I wouldn't wake up t at 3 AM WIDE awake....

On another note, on my message board someone suggested this site.. I have never read a better explanation of Panic Disorder than he gives, its like its me 100 percent, the bottle of water, the gum, the phone calls... I can not drive nad NOT be on the phone and anyone who knows me knows that, I plan on reading more tonight and maybe even ordering his workbook. I already have a workbook I never use , that has really high reviews, so I question spending money on a new one.

http://www.anxietycoach.com/panicdisorder.html


There is the site and it is my life day in and day out......

I did NOT medicate , so thats good, I am determined to beat this to get over it and to overcome it this time, I've wasted too much of my life afraid.

Weekend..

Saturday was a really bad day for me, which is unusual because D is home from work that day , I did however, Leave the house a good 4 times, and even drove 10 minutes away once, anxious the ENTIRE time,but in the end all that matters is that I did it, I can look back and know that its possible, not without anxiety but still, I got this accomplished.. Today I woke up, and started doing the dishes and remembered , I never took my vitamin yesterday, and they have made a HUGE difference, they dont cure me or make me better, but they make it manageable, I wonder how yesterdays adventures would have went with my vitamin... Today was such an amazing day.. I wouldnt trade today for all the money in the world, we raked leaves , we carved pumpkins, we sat down and ate dinner, I gave D, and P haircuts <3 I am about to go watch OTH, and today was ALSO not without anxiety of some type.. but it was much more manageable than it was yesterday....I took my medication on Saturday, I have yet to today... I am debating a glass of wine each night before bed, because it relaxes me, I just do not want to become dependent on it , Just like I dont want to become dependent on my meds.....Overall it was a great weekend, because I spent it with those I love, I hate that I am wasting my time here, worrying about when I wont be anymore :(

An end in site.

At least to this long day... its 7:15 P.M and today was the big 16 hour day and I survived it :) So far, I still have 3 hours and 45 minutes until my safe person comes home, but I did get through the day ALMOST panic free, I did get super anxious around like 10 AM I think it was..or 930.. but it didnt last long...I survived, I dreaded it all for nothing, the kids are already in bed.. so that part of my day is done, I am going to clean up my kitchen and try and relax and watch T.V...

I bought some sleepy time green tea and its so gross, I am going to buy the regular kind tomorrow and hope it tastes better because Ewww... I hear it helps...and today was also day 3 on my multivitamin, so far so good with those, i am going to shower and get out of the house tomorrow and hope that it changes my mood a little... I wanna feel human again.

I am a mess!!!

Its 1248 AM and I am an absolute wreck, I ended up giving in and taking my meds in hopes that I would get some sleep tonight, which sucks because its been since saturday that I had taken anything, so almost a week. but whatever, I have to be up for the day at 7 AM to take care of my kids all day tomorrow, D wont be here at all, so the 12 hours is all mine...

I am anxious.. I am having a hard time and he had to leave for about 30 minutes, which to me seems like an entire eternity :( When he gets home he has to go to sleep ...

Im just a wreck, after my amazing day yesterday I was sure things would be semi back to freaking normal, but instead I have the worst day Ive had in awhile , amazing how this stupid disorder works, I am angry for not being able to control it and not being able to control myself... its not going to get me anywhere but for now its helping...


It all started because the right side of my face feels numb, I am not sure why it has such a strange feeling it in, I know its nothing, its nothing, its nothing..its nothing, I am fine its nothing, I am okay, its nothing... ahh its not working but wishful thinking right?? I could really use a hug...

Its a terrible thing having no control over the way you think and feel.. and to have everyone around you tell you its not that hard, or whats the big deal just relax, I wish sometimes they just understood, that for me....it really isnt just that cut and dry... that if I could relax, than my problems would be gone... ohwell..poor me tonight sorry ;)

Bring on the Rain

This song pretty much sums up exactly how I feel <3


Another day has almost come and gone,
Can't imagine what else could go wrong.
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door.
A single battle lost but not the war.

'Cause tomorrow's another day
and I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain.

It's almost like the hard times circle 'round.
A couple drops and they all start comin down.
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head,
I might be barely breathing, but I'm not dead.

No, cause tomorrow's another day,
and I'm thirsty anyway,
So bring on the rain.

No I'm not gonna let it get me down.
I'm not cry,
and I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight.

'Cause tomorrow's another day,
and I am not afraid,
so bring on the rain.

tomorrow's another day,
and I'm thirsty anyway,
so bring on the rain.

No I'm not gonna let get me down,
I'm not gonna cry.
so bring on the rain.

Bring on the rain
Bring on the rain

What Changes?

between days to give me such a different feel,I had such an amazing day yesterday and was for sure that it meant I would have one today! Thats what I get for assuming that would be the case.. Its 2:22 and I am on edgy and shaky... I had a wonderful nights sleep last night, took me an hour to fall asleep but it wasnt really that big of a deal... Today I started getting anxious when S/O had to leave for works, hes been gone almost 30 minutes and I am a mess today.. The kids are all at school. One will be home at 3:15 the other two at 3:50 !!! I look forward to them getting home to take my mind off anything...!

I am just so very on edge today.. :( Tomorrow hes gone ALL day...for 16 hours, so I have do it alone from start to finish...ahh these two days cannot go by fast enough :( I could really use a support person right now.... Yesterday I got a small glimpse of what life was like before this took over again ...today I feel like I am back at square 1... I should get on myself about it, gotta take it day by day, sometimes hour by hour....

I will be back later to write about how the day actually ended up going, I am going to try and occupy myself right now..

...sigh...

So today was day ONE on my vitamin, I can say that only felt anxious once today and that was earlier, of course its only 8 P.M and at night is when it seems to act up for me... but today I wound up feeling depressed, just overly sad and not motivated .. I need to take a shower do my hair and leave the house, I am hoping that will lift my spirits, Plus going to attempt a date night this weekend. Just to get out and try and feel good about myself ...Shake this black cloud I have following me.... I am happy..I have everything I've ever wanted..So why depression and why now?? I guess it comes with the Anxiety and Panic, Once you feel you've lost control of part your life, you let go entirely . I won't let the depression or the anxiety win, I will get some cleaning done tomorrow and I will get dressed and maybe just go for a walk... I just need to step outside of the house.

WTF!!!!

4 A.M.

Thats the time I finally fell asleep last night, I went to bed at 2 because I knew that I wasnt going to fall asleep easy, so better to be exhausted and try... I felt myself falling asleep so many times....but the MOMENT I was right there, my body would fight it, it was the weirdest thing, my mind wouldnt let me sleep, I didnt really have that much anxiety, I just couldnt sleep, I was so thankful that at least I didnt have to be anxious and lay there... I got about 7 hours, thanks to my amazing BF, but I still feel like crap today, and I have a massive headache... I am unsure of the problem with sleeping, I am hoping tonight is easier....

Today is my first day alone with the kids in about a week, that always scares me for some reason..but Ive been a mother for 6 years and gotten through staying at home, I am sure this one more day things will be fine. I am going to try and keep myself busy so I dont focus on the negative ..... I hope everyone else has a great day..I am going to have a great day.. I deserve to.

Night Time

Why does it always happen at night, it seems to be a new trend... At night I get anxious last night it was 930ish and tonight its 8:12... Safe person at work till 11 p.m. so here I am again, All I wanted to do was relax and watch T.V, its like the MOMENT i start to relax, my mind fights back..like its an unnatural thing... I am probably going to end up scrubbing down all my doors and doing the few dishes that I have and hope that this subsides...

If I could scream at the top of my lungs right now I would!!!

Ive otherwise had an awesome day... Cant complain.... Why such a little change in feeling can drive me so insane, I'll never understand it , as much as I want to, or no matter how much I try or research to me its unexplainable and not to mention unfair. So I am anxious and on top of that I have a minor headache...Id love to go relax and finish watching One Tree Hill,but I cannot, I guess I will clean the doors.

I hate you 2:15 :(

When my safe person leaves for work, the kids wont be home for another hour...!!! I am trying to not fight it and just breathe through it, because it will go away it always does, and the more I fight it the worse it gets, so far I am doing okay, mostly sad and upset with myself... Anxious a little just upset... Trying to focus on whats for dinner and getting dressed to get the kids off the bus, Tuesdays we have no kids, so we lounge around all day and do nothing, I really do love it...as much as I miss my kids, I miss him too!!! My house is trashed and I am sure that would help with the anxiety so after I write this I am off to go start cleaning it... I have to do my floors today and I HATE doing floors..!!!

I guess I shall go praying for a good day !!

9:27 P.M

Here I am , Anxious, its pretty bad right now, I wouldnt say its HORRIBLE yet, but its borderline, Ive gotten through how many hours of being awake and taking care of my kids, and now1.5 hours away from my safe person being home, I get like this, I know what happened, I know EXACTLY what sent me here , it was simple change in feeling, NOTHING more, its crazy how a simple throat itch, can make me crazy anxious :( I dont understand the human brain and I wont pretend to but I wish , for once, that I could convince myself that I am okay!!!! I know deep down that I am, deep down somewhere, but on the surface I cannot make myself believe it, not even for a simple second ... So frustrating to me, it all is so effing frustrating... !!!! Why is it soo simple for some people to control their thoughts and others are a prisoner to them?? Is it a chemical imbalance, is their something I am missing or lacking or not producing enough of, there HAS to be an explanation to all of this a reason why..I simply refuse to settle for, because its the way things are!!!!

Tomorrow I am going to start taking my multi vitamin again and see if it helps, and see if maybe that takes away some of it, I dont expect it to be an awesome cure all, but I dont eat right and i dont think the vitamins can hurt!!! I am pretty much willing to try anything at this point!!!!!!!!!!

its 931 its about a stage 2, it was a stage3 borderline 4 when I started writing this.... so its calmed me down a little...thats always a good thing... I just really wish it were 11 P.M, or that I could cry :( I hate that I cannot be sad about this.. because a good cry always seems to make me feel better :(

Weekend Recap!!!!

It was okay went fairly well...!!

Sunday we had a get together at my house, and I noticed my oldest son sitting on the couch with a deer in the headlights looks and he was pulling at his clothes and scratching his neck, I know all too well whats going on inside his head, so i went over and talked to him but he wouldnt get up or leave the room he finally told me he was nervous,so I made up a reason I had to go upstairs and he came with me, and he laid on the bed, he had hives all over... i lied before when I said that the hardest part was letting people down, the hardest part is watching someone you love THAT much go through the same pain, with no control over it whatsoever :( I cried and laid on the bed with him and talked to him about things and tried to take his mind off whatever was going on..... he finally agreed to go back downstairs and join everyone and by then he wanted to eat so he did and he was still nervous the hives were still there, but then he went outside and played and was alright the rest of the day...

I am not sure if I handled right or not, i mean my first instinct is to run but its not what you should do you should stick it o ut and see for yourself that things will be okay, but I did what I have done for 10 years to him and that was remove him form the situation.. Ahh I just wish all this got easier..>!!! :(

The party for me was okay I struggled but I got through it without medicating. and there was a lot of people crammed into my living room... I talked to to SO a little last night about my anxiety and I like to think that talking even a little about it to someone helps.. so I felt better after that conversations.... He has two 16 hour days this week, which are going to be a struggle for me I am sure, but I WILL get through it, just like ive gotten through so many before!!!!

Reading about Panic

For me reading about people stories and online and in my workbook, reading about anxiety and panic, actually MAKE me panic, its like when I commit to reading and getting to know more its 2 steps forward for 10 steps back, because it sets me off... I know I am not alone, now more than ever I know that I am not alone.. I feel selfish sometimes when I talk about it like I am the only one suffering or I am the only one struggling when people out there have it way worse , Today was my first "good" day in awhile, I left the house I enjoyed and played with my kids , I cleaned my house, not that you can tell now, but I did it...lol.... I am still overly sad about this issue with my child, but that too shall pass I am cutting ties where ties need to be cut and that should help in the long run ...right now I am still a little bummed. I did get anxious today once that went to stage 2, and that was reading someone elses anxiety story I have a terrible trigger word that we do not even speak in my house and it was in this persons story.. I want to share it with you , I just don't feel that I am ready for whatever reason... :) Tomorrow brings new challenges, Soccer practice 15 minutes away and sunday we are hosting a football party.. So we will see how I get through the busy stressful weekend... at least I will have my "safe person"

Leaving.

I guess I didn't get a chance to write anything yesterday... I had parent teacher conferences for my 6 yr old. All of 2 minutes away driving time, and I still found myself getting anxious and I even medicated before I went, I am going to chalk it up to not leaving the house for an entire week , I let the fear get the best of me, but I got through it with only mild anxiety... Today I have a million errands to run... I am overly sad today but not for anxiety reasons, other reasons, why is it so hard to say goodbye to the past, I know why its so hard for me, but still, I am a tad broken hearted and torn today over a decision I need to make, for the sanity of me, and the heart of my child....If I only knew now what I didnt know then.... I am sure a lot of people feel like that, I just wish I had someone to talk to about it all...anyways.. I am going to do the things that need to be done today with an open mind , they are all generally close by, I shouldn't have an issue, but that doesn't mean I wont.


Update: so as part of my therapy I do on my own, I make weekly goals for myself, one was to go to a grocery store about 7 minutes from my house and go grocery shopping, well today I did it, to me its a huge deal :) so yay me!!!!!!!

Note to self

Mobile posting doesnt work..... lol

This is what those 3 random posts should have said..

Its 341 pm and I've started to get anxious I am here alone with all 3 kids and I think that's the scariest part of all of this :( id give anything to make it all just go away and to be able to be normal or go about my life in a normal way...I am not sure what normal even is or if it even exsits but I am wish I could find out....I want to go lay in bed and play on my phone but I cannot because it needs to stay plugged in :( ahhhh why me...god why me :(



If you have noticed, during my panic, I tend to go all poor me, It really is not how I am usually thinking, but in that frame of mind that is usually where I go.. I wish I instead went to a happy place I am sure that would help me get through it.....

Today was a good day...sadly....what is considered a good day... I took medication around 4 P.M because I just cannot go through it and expect to live my daily life... So I ended it... probably the easiest way out I could have taken... and I am disappointed in myself for that, but by taking the easy way out I got to enjoy my day and my children !!! It was rewarding in its own way...!! I am off to my support boards and to watch T.V...hopefully the rest of the night goes quickly and falling asleep wont be an issue tonight....

Looking Back

I decided to go back and read my journal entries from March 2009, when I was pregnant with chase, it was my anxiety journal, I was off all medication then, and doing very well.. well not very well in normal terms but for me , i was doing excellent even went through a full blown attack without medicating..... It makes me feel sad for regressing as much as I have.. I know that with anxiety and panic that its bound to happen ,I cannot change my disorder, I can only accept and overcome it, just hard to read how far I've fallen.. I went from being able to drive 35 minutes away to having trouble driving 1 minute away.. This too shall pass right???.. at least thats what I am trying to tell myself as I sit here anxious, trying to get through my Anxiety and Phobia workbook.. I am going to start writing daily again and making weekly goals. like I did last year it really seemed to help over time, I just havent decided if I am going to write out my daily life, like I have in the past I would write out pretty much everything that went on in my day... I am not sure I want to write it here.. I will still write most stuff here but my daily life journal I will keep private.. they are kind of boring anyway ;) Alright I need to go occupy myself I am really anxious at this point

Finding Support

Ahhh What a wonderful feeling it is, I've always known that I wasnt alone in my suffering that others out there had exactly what I had and some worse some not. A friend showed me a website with all kinds of forums one, being anxiety, I love to read and write to people on there. I am very thankful that I have found these people...

I am really working on writing my story of how this all started, it is really hard for me to go back to those 2 days and recall it all without triggering an attack, I have part of it drafted but it is unfinished. When it gets too much I save it and stop and go back to it later...

I can tell you I have what I think they call Medical and Death Anxiety, I fear I am going to die or something is going to happen to, almost every second of the day and seeing people dying or sick makes it super hard, I cannot watch TV shows like greys, House, ER, nothing like that, because it scares me, even some hospital scenes on shows I do watch I have to fast forward through, some people wonder how I made it through having 3 children.. and 9 major surgeries.. I have no idea, I know that I've survived them all and I wish that were enough to ease my fear ... but its not... Its really hard to fear something you cant face or even avoid.

9:24

The posting time is off on here and I am not sure why...

I am about a stage 2 anxious, So I didnt make it through the day like my previous post states I ha d, I guess I should never count my chickens before they hatch. in about 1.5 hrs, SO will be home, thank god, but right now that seems like an eternity I really dont want to take anymore medication, So I am trying to talk myself through it, so far its not really working... I am starting to sweat and get my symptoms that its going to progress.. :( I just want it to stop, I want my mind to be able to stop it right here, and let it NOT go any further. Ahhh.. I would love to find some other blogs like mine and read success stories it would be nice to know that this is possible to overcome, I am sorry this is scattered , I am only writing what is in my head, and its jumping around and racing as well , its coming out as I am thinking it.... :( They say the average attack lasts 10 minutes , I am not sure if that means full blow attack or symptoms because my symptoms can last hours and hours :( :( I pray to god every time I get like this, ( I pray other times as well) they say he wouldn't give you anything you couldn't handle, or what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,I don't think I believe that.. I think you learn to handle what you are given and what doesnt kill you in time MIGHT make you stronger, but its been 10 years and this has never made me stronger of a person, I am not sure ifs even made me a better or more compassionate person.... I am stuck inside my own mind right now, and all I want is for him to come home and tell me I will be okay, he is going to be gone for 16 hours tomorrow, I am not sure how I will get through it, I know I will because I HAVE to.... Alright enough ramblings from my head.... I am down to stage 1, so writing here helped, I hit stage 3 right before I started this, so it seems to have helped to write or type it all out... I am going to try clean and occupy the rest of the night....


oh and I am trying sleepytime tea tonight in hopes that its an herbal way to help me fall asleep !!!

:(

I am just not ready for today... I dont feel confident at all... SO is leaving for working in 15 minutes and I am not sure I can do this on my own today, I am defeated before I even get out of the gate right now.... If I could cry I would but I cannot Anxiety is one emotion that can rarely exist with any other.... It cannot be present with anger and happiness.... :( I will be back later to let you know how the day went.



UPDATE!!!!

I did take my medication and bawled my eyes out before he left, but I cleaned most of the day which helped, and I am glad that I in fact didnt fail. I took care of everyone and got through the day pretty much anxiety, panic free. ( knock on wood) because the day is not over yet :) But today was a good monday!!!

A hill any size...

is still a hill...... I decided that saturday night a friends birthday and everyone was going out to dinner!!! It was 45 minutes away, and car rides are hard for me, NOT as hard as driving, but still difficult, I decided to take my medication and ride with an awesome friend, So I did... and the entire drive there I was a terrible mess, I am sure she could somewhat tell, but she kept the conversation going which helped a lot. I got there and I was still a bit of a mess but 20 minutes in I was okay. I WAS OKAY!!!! 45 minutes away from home with no support system, because only one of these women knew about my issue!! The drive home went wonderful, and when I got home I was so so very proud of myself and my small accomplishment, I did it, medicated and not without rocky times or panic, but I DID IT , I went and I enjoyed myself, I didnt let my anxiety rule who I was!!!

Just thoughts

Sometimes I wonder what I must have done in a past life, or even this one to deserve this, I mean I am not the best person but I am also far from the worst, I try and help people and I always hold doors. I guess I just dont understand why it has to be me. Which in itself is selfish because I am not alone in my suffering, there are plenty of people out there who go through this and go through far worse things. I really wonder if sometimes it would be easier to have something psychically wrong with me at least that way there could be a cure or a medicine , or something to help me. I feel so alone sometime and so punished, but for what I don't know. I would give the world just to live my life without so much fear. I want to escape it if only for a day just to know what its like to live a day in someones shoes who can just live, not worrying about what is going to happen, or better yet WHAT IF this happens.... I hate this, I hate what has become of me, I hate what its doing to me all together and I just want it to go away...

its 12:41 AM and I was headed to bed and checked my FB ... and there it was a trigger, probably my biggest one right in front of my eyes, I was so relaxed and ready to fall asleep, instead I am here in tears writing this because I know that sleep isnt going to happen for awhile and I wish I could have just went to bed and left my stupid phone alone :(

The Part That Never Gets Easier

Is letting people down. I have a hard time with cars and since I am in a bad place with my anxiety right now riding in cars or driving to places is especially hard for me. Most of my real life friends have no clue that I even have any kind of disorder and I dont feel comfortable telling them. I am sure they think I am a bad friend, or I just skip things on purpose, truth be told, I would love to do those things and function in a normal setting, but right now its not possible, This morning a friends been asking me for two months to do this thing and I guess its my fault that I keep accepting... and then canceling last minute, its about a half hour away and I cannot see myself riding even just 30 minutes without a safe person with me to at least talk to and let know what is going on in case something happens... Another friend is having a birthday party this weekend, its 45 minutes away and I would have to drive it , I OF COURSE, accepted the invitation. I guess the hope was that maybe I could do it. Maybe accepting meant that I was hoping for a better outcome and I end up letting people down. I expect to lose friends over all of it, in the course of time I have, The important ones , always stuck around though.

Mr.Sandman

Sleep.What a wonderful thing for most people, night time for me, means a struggle to fall asleep, My Significant other asked me last night why I have such a hard time every night falling asleep. I told him you know how your mind shuts off at night and your body relaxes? mine doesn't do that, my mind goes 24/7 there is never one point where it shuts off, not even to fall asleep, and my thoughts and fears are what keep me awake, I try and focus on the positive things and some nights its easier than others, its like fighting something that only exists in my mind, no one can help me beat it, I have to do it on my own. I do always finally fall asleep, I never remember what I am doing right before hand but I always do fall asleep there has never been a night where I had to stay up all night because the thoughts were too much, and for that I am thankful, it may not be a HUGE success but its a small one.

What is Anxiety and Panic?

I guess that most people experience it at some time in their life, probably more frequently than they notice.. for me it happens daily. Anxiety is something we all have to deal with, our body and our mind cope with it, I do not, my anxiety turns into full on panic, and panic is no fun, its losing total control of myself, I lost sight of whats right and wrong and even what is harmful and what is not, its like a temporary out of body experience , you are just not yourself , Attacks are usually for me graded in stages, 1-5.... I have learned to talk myself down at about a stage 4, 5 don't happen to often anymore than I thank god for, the 5's are the unbearable ones , where I am sure nothing will ever be the same again.

Ive been in and out of counseling since I was 16 years old. I would like to say that some of it has helped , but to honest none of it has, it always seemed the therapists I would work with had little knowledge on the disorder, which is surprising since its such a common one. The Medication is what does it for me... the sedatives and my "safe" people.

I have specific fears that trigger any anxiety and panic and I need to learn to cope and deal and even face those before I ever have a chance of overcoming this, However I feel my fear is too strong to challenge, even though I know that's never true.

My fear: Death, how do you face it? You can't I fear something that is inevitable , that is the hardest part of all of it for me, is that the one thing I fear I cannot change, and I cannot avoid.. There major triggers however, that are hard for me to even type out without get anxious about them, so I am going to choose not to do so right now. I promise in time I will get around to telling everyone what they are...

I am going to leave this where it is for now and tomorrow I am going to post the story of where it all start 10 long years ago

For Me

I am making this blog mainly for myself. I need a place to get it all out...and if I help someone along the way then even better.

I am 25 years old. I have 3 children, and life is great, I am living the American dream. At least thats what it looks like from your point of view, what mostly everyone doesnt know is that since I was 15 years old, Ive been struggling with Panic/Anxiety with a Touch of agoraphobia when things get really bad. Thats 10 years. I can remember times when things were good, I can remember when things were great and I thought I had beaten it.. and I can remember times when it came back 10x worse than what it was. I am at one of those points in my life right now. I had been off all medication Since October 2008.. until this september. I really want to dig deep within myself and write it all out where it all started when I was 15 and where I am now and what my triggers are and what makes daily life such a struggle for me. For now I am going to leave it at this. I need to figure a few more things out about this whole blogging thing. I do plan to write out the attacks and the success, I need a place for myself, to know that its not always terrible, that I have a life worth fighting for, and worth getting back from this terrible disorder.