ever feel

Like your whole world is falling apart and everything you ever believed  in , you now question ?? I guess if you can answer yes then you know where I am right now. Where I find myself questioning things I've done decisions I've made, people  I chose to let it and those I've managed to cut out......

Welcome back insomnia.

Last night was terrible, I am not sure what it was, my mind was racing I felt like I couldn't breathe, I was anxious, luckily I didnt medicated and I didnt Panic, I did use some belly breathing techniques and that seemed to do the trick!! But I am exhausted today about 2.5-3 hrs of sleep, and I've been baking cookies all day... what I wouldn't give for a nap or just to lay in bed and close my eyes for awhile...The snow is getting out of control here, like over  a foot on the group and it just keeps coming..!! I am ready for it to stop, its insane out there and I do not like to drive, let alone drive in the snow.!!!

C1 and C2 both have terrible colds...and P is grounded makes for a hectic stressful week ahead, but D is only working 8 hours days I will sure miss the money, but its nice to have him home with us, to help with the kids...I am going to try and lay down for a bit and home the babes can entertain  themselves, I can hardly keep my eyes open!!!

Hiatus

Guess I've sort of been on one!!!  Things got really bad for me there for awhile, I didnt want to get out of bed, I didnt want to shower or go anywhere, clean my house cook for my kids, I guess sometimes I would force myself to write on here, but I really had just given up on myself completely. That was until this weekend , if you remember I hadn't left the house alone in almost 2 weeks( since the last attack) Saturday we had plans with some friends an hour away..eeek.. Then our friends asked to ride with us, DOUBLE EEK!!! I did take a pill, I mean whatever makes it bearable right, I am glad that I did very glad that I did, because I enjoyed my entire night, panic free... Pills are not the answer all the time, but they sure were for me on Saturday night...  I also managed to find the courage to go back to the grocery store with P.J on Saturday during the day, not medicated of course since its so close ... I showered did my hair and slapped on some make up and felt so much better about myself... I wish I could say I was cured, for a quick moment in time I thought I was, I woke up anxious in the middle of the night last night, also while doing dishes I was anxious about the 10000 ft of snow we have.... there is a lot of snow out there, 12-18 inches by morning!!!!

I really just am not sure what to do about the anxiety anymore, part of me thinks that in time it will pass, I think thats the lazy part of me not wanting to work at it to get better , not wanting to face the issues and get over them just waiting for a good couple of years like I've had in the past, which is going to solve nothing in time...it won't be helpful to me or to my family...

These next 3 weeks for me are a whirlwind of christmas get togethers birthdays and  activities with the kids, I will get through it, I always have and always will !!! I must say I get a little more terrified about disney each day!!!!!!

Heartburn really!?!?!

Since D is working doubles all week, I am sleeping alone, something I do not do well, I was actually exhausted last night when I went to bed thinking, YAY sleep.. not so much. I have only had heartburn twice in my life, and this was number two, it hurt so bad that I felt it in my back I ate bread and propped myself up, but with panic disorder we all know where my mind went, I of course told myself it was irrational and not logical and it seemed for the most part to work.. I didnt full on panic....It eventually subsided and I went to bed..but it was no fun, I pray tonight is not more of the same..

Fast forward to tomorrow, I have to leave the house for the first time alone, in almost 2 weeks, 2 weeks is by the way the longest I have gone since I got my license ( at 21) so 4 years, Huge deal to me, I know I can do and will be fine, I just gotta get myself  back out there!!!  Of course  I say that now, wait till I get behind the wheel and then ask me how I feel.