Sunday, October 31, 2010
Quickly
Wanted to mention that I went and took C1 ( my middle child) to get a haircut today, I sat in the chair, and anyone with panic disorder knows, sitting in a beauticians chair is a big deal... and then went to the store afterward to get him a toy, All without getting anxious... There was an hour wait, I was going to go to a different place, but I couldnt bring myself to get on the highway..I am trying to focus on the fact that I went and I did GREAT... Baby steps
Friday, October 29, 2010
Its Storming
They say when it rains it pours,I guess when it pours for me it storms. This has little to do with anxiety and more to do with life. I always wonder what I've done so horrible to deserve such bad karma, I have a lot of blessings in life, but it always seems something is there to pull me down, once I get comfortable something jilts me back into hard times. I don't understand it, and I am not sure I want to. I am one of those people that refuses to let the door slam in someones face, and that always says hello to people, and never complains when the elderly stop me in the store and want to talk about sale prices or the good ole days. Still the bad karma finds me, I cannot imagine the karma that finds the people that have done pure evil. I could say its not fair and it sucks, but those are both givens. What I am going to say, is that god has a plan, even when I don't see it or merely understand it, he has a bigger picture, and in that bigger picture, all is right in the world.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Where it all began 10 years Ago
I was 15 years old, living a normal life, I had amazing friends and a great social life. I worked at an Italian Ice Stand. It was about 10 minutes before closing time and a family came in, I was making their sno cones, when I went to change the ice I hit the pedal before I had taken my hand out... It didnt do anything to me, but make me FREAK out..luckily the family that stopped was a god send and helped me out, I thought I was going to faint...I did not.. no panic attack then
Fast forward to the next day...I was in 2nd or 3rd period History or English class ( Amazing how the details have since faded) ..and there it was... My first ever attack, I was drinking Dr.Pepper and I went to the nurses office a friend came with me. The nurse asked if I was on some kind of drugs, I was not obviously, it was a panic attack, I thought for sure I would faint right then and there, hence, my number one all time fear.. fainting, and lucky me, thats what anxiety makes you feel like you are going to do..
I to this day, Do not eat sno cones or DRINK Dr. pepper, they are both VERY big triggers for me.. From there my life was never the same, it was changing schools, yeah big deal to me, I had it all at my school, I was popular , well liked, I had an amazing life there, but I couldnt handle classes anymore, I left that school and went to a half day type school where I did get my diploma. I was put on an anti-depressant and Klonopin . and my anxiety seemed to have gotten better, at 17 I went off to college. I lived a normal life... I dropped out of college, biggest mistake I ever made, I got pregnant at 18 ... March 23rd 2004, I had a terrible Anxiety attack... and it all came back... it happens like this every so often.. then Ill resume normal life... However.. In 2008 I was pregnant with my third child and decided I was done with medication, so from October 2008-September of 2010 I was off all medication and I just dealt with it......
On September 17th 2010, I was 20 minutes away from home, when I got stung by a bee on my lip, my lip went numb and all the sudden the negative thoughts started, what if I am allergic, and then I felt like I couldnt swallow, and I could of course and I KNOW i am not allergic, I had all 3 kids 20 minutes away from home, I had to medicate drive home a MESS with 3 kids in the backseat and I talked to D the entire way home, but I made it...So September 18th, My nieces birthday, we get 6 minutes away and I start to lose it... I am now back where I always end up, powerless over my own life, I feel like I do not even control my own thoughts or emotions anymore.
So I have anxiety, Panic disorder, which induces mild agoraphobia, I've always avoided the agoraphobia by making sure I left the house no matter how uncomfortable it was ... I can honestly say that is NOT the case this time, I am still leaving the house and driving within my safe radius, but nothing like I was. I know it will take time to get back to where I used to be, but I am NOT at all a patient person.
I have what some people call, medical or health anxiety, and I am a hypochondriac, trust me if I hear it, I have it, I don't make it public that I think I have it, or that it will happen to me , but its in my head and it controls my thoughts.
One psychiatrist once pointed out that right before my attacks started, I had lost my grandfather, my first and only major loss my entire life, she said that a lot of my anxiety probably came from the loss of a loved one, it makes sense, my fear of death of anything medical that may cause death... There is a lot that I need to sort out.
Things like accidents on the highway or ambulances are triggers, shows on T.V like ER, or anything with a tragic hospital scene, not to mention hospitals themselves, which is silly since I have been through 9 major surgeries, and I am only 25. Also managed to have 3 children and get 4 tattoos with my fear of needles, Ive flown twice and rode in a car for a 24 hr trip. Some would say that most of my life has been a success story. I do acknowledge my triumphs with this disorder, but I tend to focus more on the downfalls. I am in a rut right not that I cannot get out of, I am angry with myself. That is not going to get me anywhere...
Anyways, I am glad I finally shared, it was tough to type out and relive..
Fast forward to the next day...I was in 2nd or 3rd period History or English class ( Amazing how the details have since faded) ..and there it was... My first ever attack, I was drinking Dr.Pepper and I went to the nurses office a friend came with me. The nurse asked if I was on some kind of drugs, I was not obviously, it was a panic attack, I thought for sure I would faint right then and there, hence, my number one all time fear.. fainting, and lucky me, thats what anxiety makes you feel like you are going to do..
I to this day, Do not eat sno cones or DRINK Dr. pepper, they are both VERY big triggers for me.. From there my life was never the same, it was changing schools, yeah big deal to me, I had it all at my school, I was popular , well liked, I had an amazing life there, but I couldnt handle classes anymore, I left that school and went to a half day type school where I did get my diploma. I was put on an anti-depressant and Klonopin . and my anxiety seemed to have gotten better, at 17 I went off to college. I lived a normal life... I dropped out of college, biggest mistake I ever made, I got pregnant at 18 ... March 23rd 2004, I had a terrible Anxiety attack... and it all came back... it happens like this every so often.. then Ill resume normal life... However.. In 2008 I was pregnant with my third child and decided I was done with medication, so from October 2008-September of 2010 I was off all medication and I just dealt with it......
On September 17th 2010, I was 20 minutes away from home, when I got stung by a bee on my lip, my lip went numb and all the sudden the negative thoughts started, what if I am allergic, and then I felt like I couldnt swallow, and I could of course and I KNOW i am not allergic, I had all 3 kids 20 minutes away from home, I had to medicate drive home a MESS with 3 kids in the backseat and I talked to D the entire way home, but I made it...So September 18th, My nieces birthday, we get 6 minutes away and I start to lose it... I am now back where I always end up, powerless over my own life, I feel like I do not even control my own thoughts or emotions anymore.
So I have anxiety, Panic disorder, which induces mild agoraphobia, I've always avoided the agoraphobia by making sure I left the house no matter how uncomfortable it was ... I can honestly say that is NOT the case this time, I am still leaving the house and driving within my safe radius, but nothing like I was. I know it will take time to get back to where I used to be, but I am NOT at all a patient person.
I have what some people call, medical or health anxiety, and I am a hypochondriac, trust me if I hear it, I have it, I don't make it public that I think I have it, or that it will happen to me , but its in my head and it controls my thoughts.
One psychiatrist once pointed out that right before my attacks started, I had lost my grandfather, my first and only major loss my entire life, she said that a lot of my anxiety probably came from the loss of a loved one, it makes sense, my fear of death of anything medical that may cause death... There is a lot that I need to sort out.
Things like accidents on the highway or ambulances are triggers, shows on T.V like ER, or anything with a tragic hospital scene, not to mention hospitals themselves, which is silly since I have been through 9 major surgeries, and I am only 25. Also managed to have 3 children and get 4 tattoos with my fear of needles, Ive flown twice and rode in a car for a 24 hr trip. Some would say that most of my life has been a success story. I do acknowledge my triumphs with this disorder, but I tend to focus more on the downfalls. I am in a rut right not that I cannot get out of, I am angry with myself. That is not going to get me anywhere...
Anyways, I am glad I finally shared, it was tough to type out and relive..
blahhhh
thats how I feel today..Nothing really new, today has been a pretty normal non anxious day, my first in awhile, I just dont really feel well today...!! Other than that things are great.. by great I do mean I havent tried to drive anywhere or left the house, but still great .... This weekend is trick or treat I am excited about that.. Its thursday and thankfully this week flew by!!!
The most uneventful blog post EVER!! LOL!!!
I am going to get back to reading my anxiety and phobia workbook and working out of it, I think that it can help me.
The most uneventful blog post EVER!! LOL!!!
I am going to get back to reading my anxiety and phobia workbook and working out of it, I think that it can help me.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
SO HAPPY!!!
I took my kids to trunk or treat with my mom tonight, just 3 kids and her and I, there was an hour long line and anyone who has panic disorder, knows lines are the enemy....!! but I did medicate before I went, who cares, I GOT THROUGH IT!!! without water or gum, and mostly without my phone, I used it somewhat, but not like usual, I am very proud of myself right now...WOOHOO, I did use some acceptance stuff, I didnt fight the anxiety or the thoughts I simply told myself, I am uncomfortable but I am NOT in danger, and that I had to do this for my kids! So I am on CLOUD 9 RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!
Driving
crap crap crap...
I waited to get my license until I was 22 years old .. I am now 25, Ive had it for almost 3 years and driving at times was somewhat an issue, but I dont remember it ever being this bad..and its because I allowed to anxiety to rule my life.. I have no idea what I am going to do, going to the store, 2 minutes away was a big deal today, maybe just maybe..It was because I allowed myself to FEAR being anxious so I got anxious..I have no idea.. but this sucks, I want to be able to do things like before, 2 weeks ago , I went grocery shopping with pretty much no issues, I have to keep leaving the house because if I don't, it will never get better, but pushing myself is so hard even if it is for the better. I feel bad for D, because I have to depend on him for most things right now and thats not fair , I am the runner, ive always been the runner and he enjoyed that, now he has to run most places..I really need to get over this.. stupid stupid anxiety.
I waited to get my license until I was 22 years old .. I am now 25, Ive had it for almost 3 years and driving at times was somewhat an issue, but I dont remember it ever being this bad..and its because I allowed to anxiety to rule my life.. I have no idea what I am going to do, going to the store, 2 minutes away was a big deal today, maybe just maybe..It was because I allowed myself to FEAR being anxious so I got anxious..I have no idea.. but this sucks, I want to be able to do things like before, 2 weeks ago , I went grocery shopping with pretty much no issues, I have to keep leaving the house because if I don't, it will never get better, but pushing myself is so hard even if it is for the better. I feel bad for D, because I have to depend on him for most things right now and thats not fair , I am the runner, ive always been the runner and he enjoyed that, now he has to run most places..I really need to get over this.. stupid stupid anxiety.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Started Good
Ended not so well.... My youngest son fell and busted his mouth open, thankfully my sister was here and could deal with it, usually works out like that for some reason, I think the man upstairs has more control than I give him credit for. anyways, I dont do well with injury or especially blood.... :( I called my mother to come over and she was very cruel when she got here, as she often is, very cold and impersonal, ohwell we haven't fought in such a long time that it was bound to happen, I know I wasnt wrong and I am not backing down and saying that I was.... anyways the fall prompted a very high stage 3 for me..grr... I could just go to bed if I wouldn't wake up t at 3 AM WIDE awake....
On another note, on my message board someone suggested this site.. I have never read a better explanation of Panic Disorder than he gives, its like its me 100 percent, the bottle of water, the gum, the phone calls... I can not drive nad NOT be on the phone and anyone who knows me knows that, I plan on reading more tonight and maybe even ordering his workbook. I already have a workbook I never use , that has really high reviews, so I question spending money on a new one.
http://www.anxietycoach.com/panicdisorder.html
There is the site and it is my life day in and day out......
I did NOT medicate , so thats good, I am determined to beat this to get over it and to overcome it this time, I've wasted too much of my life afraid.
On another note, on my message board someone suggested this site.. I have never read a better explanation of Panic Disorder than he gives, its like its me 100 percent, the bottle of water, the gum, the phone calls... I can not drive nad NOT be on the phone and anyone who knows me knows that, I plan on reading more tonight and maybe even ordering his workbook. I already have a workbook I never use , that has really high reviews, so I question spending money on a new one.
http://www.anxietycoach.com/panicdisorder.html
There is the site and it is my life day in and day out......
I did NOT medicate , so thats good, I am determined to beat this to get over it and to overcome it this time, I've wasted too much of my life afraid.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Weekend..
Saturday was a really bad day for me, which is unusual because D is home from work that day , I did however, Leave the house a good 4 times, and even drove 10 minutes away once, anxious the ENTIRE time,but in the end all that matters is that I did it, I can look back and know that its possible, not without anxiety but still, I got this accomplished.. Today I woke up, and started doing the dishes and remembered , I never took my vitamin yesterday, and they have made a HUGE difference, they dont cure me or make me better, but they make it manageable, I wonder how yesterdays adventures would have went with my vitamin... Today was such an amazing day.. I wouldnt trade today for all the money in the world, we raked leaves , we carved pumpkins, we sat down and ate dinner, I gave D, and P haircuts <3 I am about to go watch OTH, and today was ALSO not without anxiety of some type.. but it was much more manageable than it was yesterday....I took my medication on Saturday, I have yet to today... I am debating a glass of wine each night before bed, because it relaxes me, I just do not want to become dependent on it , Just like I dont want to become dependent on my meds.....Overall it was a great weekend, because I spent it with those I love, I hate that I am wasting my time here, worrying about when I wont be anymore :(
Friday, October 22, 2010
An end in site.
At least to this long day... its 7:15 P.M and today was the big 16 hour day and I survived it :) So far, I still have 3 hours and 45 minutes until my safe person comes home, but I did get through the day ALMOST panic free, I did get super anxious around like 10 AM I think it was..or 930.. but it didnt last long...I survived, I dreaded it all for nothing, the kids are already in bed.. so that part of my day is done, I am going to clean up my kitchen and try and relax and watch T.V...
I bought some sleepy time green tea and its so gross, I am going to buy the regular kind tomorrow and hope it tastes better because Ewww... I hear it helps...and today was also day 3 on my multivitamin, so far so good with those, i am going to shower and get out of the house tomorrow and hope that it changes my mood a little... I wanna feel human again.
I bought some sleepy time green tea and its so gross, I am going to buy the regular kind tomorrow and hope it tastes better because Ewww... I hear it helps...and today was also day 3 on my multivitamin, so far so good with those, i am going to shower and get out of the house tomorrow and hope that it changes my mood a little... I wanna feel human again.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
I am a mess!!!
Its 1248 AM and I am an absolute wreck, I ended up giving in and taking my meds in hopes that I would get some sleep tonight, which sucks because its been since saturday that I had taken anything, so almost a week. but whatever, I have to be up for the day at 7 AM to take care of my kids all day tomorrow, D wont be here at all, so the 12 hours is all mine...
I am anxious.. I am having a hard time and he had to leave for about 30 minutes, which to me seems like an entire eternity :( When he gets home he has to go to sleep ...
Im just a wreck, after my amazing day yesterday I was sure things would be semi back to freaking normal, but instead I have the worst day Ive had in awhile , amazing how this stupid disorder works, I am angry for not being able to control it and not being able to control myself... its not going to get me anywhere but for now its helping...
It all started because the right side of my face feels numb, I am not sure why it has such a strange feeling it in, I know its nothing, its nothing, its nothing..its nothing, I am fine its nothing, I am okay, its nothing... ahh its not working but wishful thinking right?? I could really use a hug...
Its a terrible thing having no control over the way you think and feel.. and to have everyone around you tell you its not that hard, or whats the big deal just relax, I wish sometimes they just understood, that for me....it really isnt just that cut and dry... that if I could relax, than my problems would be gone... ohwell..poor me tonight sorry ;)
I am anxious.. I am having a hard time and he had to leave for about 30 minutes, which to me seems like an entire eternity :( When he gets home he has to go to sleep ...
Im just a wreck, after my amazing day yesterday I was sure things would be semi back to freaking normal, but instead I have the worst day Ive had in awhile , amazing how this stupid disorder works, I am angry for not being able to control it and not being able to control myself... its not going to get me anywhere but for now its helping...
It all started because the right side of my face feels numb, I am not sure why it has such a strange feeling it in, I know its nothing, its nothing, its nothing..its nothing, I am fine its nothing, I am okay, its nothing... ahh its not working but wishful thinking right?? I could really use a hug...
Its a terrible thing having no control over the way you think and feel.. and to have everyone around you tell you its not that hard, or whats the big deal just relax, I wish sometimes they just understood, that for me....it really isnt just that cut and dry... that if I could relax, than my problems would be gone... ohwell..poor me tonight sorry ;)
Bring on the Rain
This song pretty much sums up exactly how I feel <3
Another day has almost come and gone,
Can't imagine what else could go wrong.
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door.
A single battle lost but not the war.
'Cause tomorrow's another day
and I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain.
It's almost like the hard times circle 'round.
A couple drops and they all start comin down.
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head,
I might be barely breathing, but I'm not dead.
No, cause tomorrow's another day,
and I'm thirsty anyway,
So bring on the rain.
No I'm not gonna let it get me down.
I'm not cry,
and I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight.
'Cause tomorrow's another day,
and I am not afraid,
so bring on the rain.
tomorrow's another day,
and I'm thirsty anyway,
so bring on the rain.
No I'm not gonna let get me down,
I'm not gonna cry.
so bring on the rain.
Bring on the rain
Bring on the rain
Another day has almost come and gone,
Can't imagine what else could go wrong.
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door.
A single battle lost but not the war.
'Cause tomorrow's another day
and I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain.
It's almost like the hard times circle 'round.
A couple drops and they all start comin down.
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head,
I might be barely breathing, but I'm not dead.
No, cause tomorrow's another day,
and I'm thirsty anyway,
So bring on the rain.
No I'm not gonna let it get me down.
I'm not cry,
and I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight.
'Cause tomorrow's another day,
and I am not afraid,
so bring on the rain.
tomorrow's another day,
and I'm thirsty anyway,
so bring on the rain.
No I'm not gonna let get me down,
I'm not gonna cry.
so bring on the rain.
Bring on the rain
Bring on the rain
What Changes?
between days to give me such a different feel,I had such an amazing day yesterday and was for sure that it meant I would have one today! Thats what I get for assuming that would be the case.. Its 2:22 and I am on edgy and shaky... I had a wonderful nights sleep last night, took me an hour to fall asleep but it wasnt really that big of a deal... Today I started getting anxious when S/O had to leave for works, hes been gone almost 30 minutes and I am a mess today.. The kids are all at school. One will be home at 3:15 the other two at 3:50 !!! I look forward to them getting home to take my mind off anything...!
I am just so very on edge today.. :( Tomorrow hes gone ALL day...for 16 hours, so I have do it alone from start to finish...ahh these two days cannot go by fast enough :( I could really use a support person right now.... Yesterday I got a small glimpse of what life was like before this took over again ...today I feel like I am back at square 1... I should get on myself about it, gotta take it day by day, sometimes hour by hour....
I will be back later to write about how the day actually ended up going, I am going to try and occupy myself right now..
I am just so very on edge today.. :( Tomorrow hes gone ALL day...for 16 hours, so I have do it alone from start to finish...ahh these two days cannot go by fast enough :( I could really use a support person right now.... Yesterday I got a small glimpse of what life was like before this took over again ...today I feel like I am back at square 1... I should get on myself about it, gotta take it day by day, sometimes hour by hour....
I will be back later to write about how the day actually ended up going, I am going to try and occupy myself right now..
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
...sigh...
So today was day ONE on my vitamin, I can say that only felt anxious once today and that was earlier, of course its only 8 P.M and at night is when it seems to act up for me... but today I wound up feeling depressed, just overly sad and not motivated .. I need to take a shower do my hair and leave the house, I am hoping that will lift my spirits, Plus going to attempt a date night this weekend. Just to get out and try and feel good about myself ...Shake this black cloud I have following me.... I am happy..I have everything I've ever wanted..So why depression and why now?? I guess it comes with the Anxiety and Panic, Once you feel you've lost control of part your life, you let go entirely . I won't let the depression or the anxiety win, I will get some cleaning done tomorrow and I will get dressed and maybe just go for a walk... I just need to step outside of the house.
WTF!!!!
4 A.M.
Thats the time I finally fell asleep last night, I went to bed at 2 because I knew that I wasnt going to fall asleep easy, so better to be exhausted and try... I felt myself falling asleep so many times....but the MOMENT I was right there, my body would fight it, it was the weirdest thing, my mind wouldnt let me sleep, I didnt really have that much anxiety, I just couldnt sleep, I was so thankful that at least I didnt have to be anxious and lay there... I got about 7 hours, thanks to my amazing BF, but I still feel like crap today, and I have a massive headache... I am unsure of the problem with sleeping, I am hoping tonight is easier....
Today is my first day alone with the kids in about a week, that always scares me for some reason..but Ive been a mother for 6 years and gotten through staying at home, I am sure this one more day things will be fine. I am going to try and keep myself busy so I dont focus on the negative ..... I hope everyone else has a great day..I am going to have a great day.. I deserve to.
Thats the time I finally fell asleep last night, I went to bed at 2 because I knew that I wasnt going to fall asleep easy, so better to be exhausted and try... I felt myself falling asleep so many times....but the MOMENT I was right there, my body would fight it, it was the weirdest thing, my mind wouldnt let me sleep, I didnt really have that much anxiety, I just couldnt sleep, I was so thankful that at least I didnt have to be anxious and lay there... I got about 7 hours, thanks to my amazing BF, but I still feel like crap today, and I have a massive headache... I am unsure of the problem with sleeping, I am hoping tonight is easier....
Today is my first day alone with the kids in about a week, that always scares me for some reason..but Ive been a mother for 6 years and gotten through staying at home, I am sure this one more day things will be fine. I am going to try and keep myself busy so I dont focus on the negative ..... I hope everyone else has a great day..I am going to have a great day.. I deserve to.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Night Time
Why does it always happen at night, it seems to be a new trend... At night I get anxious last night it was 930ish and tonight its 8:12... Safe person at work till 11 p.m. so here I am again, All I wanted to do was relax and watch T.V, its like the MOMENT i start to relax, my mind fights back..like its an unnatural thing... I am probably going to end up scrubbing down all my doors and doing the few dishes that I have and hope that this subsides...
If I could scream at the top of my lungs right now I would!!!
Ive otherwise had an awesome day... Cant complain.... Why such a little change in feeling can drive me so insane, I'll never understand it , as much as I want to, or no matter how much I try or research to me its unexplainable and not to mention unfair. So I am anxious and on top of that I have a minor headache...Id love to go relax and finish watching One Tree Hill,but I cannot, I guess I will clean the doors.
If I could scream at the top of my lungs right now I would!!!
Ive otherwise had an awesome day... Cant complain.... Why such a little change in feeling can drive me so insane, I'll never understand it , as much as I want to, or no matter how much I try or research to me its unexplainable and not to mention unfair. So I am anxious and on top of that I have a minor headache...Id love to go relax and finish watching One Tree Hill,but I cannot, I guess I will clean the doors.
I hate you 2:15 :(
When my safe person leaves for work, the kids wont be home for another hour...!!! I am trying to not fight it and just breathe through it, because it will go away it always does, and the more I fight it the worse it gets, so far I am doing okay, mostly sad and upset with myself... Anxious a little just upset... Trying to focus on whats for dinner and getting dressed to get the kids off the bus, Tuesdays we have no kids, so we lounge around all day and do nothing, I really do love it...as much as I miss my kids, I miss him too!!! My house is trashed and I am sure that would help with the anxiety so after I write this I am off to go start cleaning it... I have to do my floors today and I HATE doing floors..!!!
I guess I shall go praying for a good day !!
I guess I shall go praying for a good day !!
Monday, October 18, 2010
9:27 P.M
Here I am , Anxious, its pretty bad right now, I wouldnt say its HORRIBLE yet, but its borderline, Ive gotten through how many hours of being awake and taking care of my kids, and now1.5 hours away from my safe person being home, I get like this, I know what happened, I know EXACTLY what sent me here , it was simple change in feeling, NOTHING more, its crazy how a simple throat itch, can make me crazy anxious :( I dont understand the human brain and I wont pretend to but I wish , for once, that I could convince myself that I am okay!!!! I know deep down that I am, deep down somewhere, but on the surface I cannot make myself believe it, not even for a simple second ... So frustrating to me, it all is so effing frustrating... !!!! Why is it soo simple for some people to control their thoughts and others are a prisoner to them?? Is it a chemical imbalance, is their something I am missing or lacking or not producing enough of, there HAS to be an explanation to all of this a reason why..I simply refuse to settle for, because its the way things are!!!!
Tomorrow I am going to start taking my multi vitamin again and see if it helps, and see if maybe that takes away some of it, I dont expect it to be an awesome cure all, but I dont eat right and i dont think the vitamins can hurt!!! I am pretty much willing to try anything at this point!!!!!!!!!!
its 931 its about a stage 2, it was a stage3 borderline 4 when I started writing this.... so its calmed me down a little...thats always a good thing... I just really wish it were 11 P.M, or that I could cry :( I hate that I cannot be sad about this.. because a good cry always seems to make me feel better :(
Tomorrow I am going to start taking my multi vitamin again and see if it helps, and see if maybe that takes away some of it, I dont expect it to be an awesome cure all, but I dont eat right and i dont think the vitamins can hurt!!! I am pretty much willing to try anything at this point!!!!!!!!!!
its 931 its about a stage 2, it was a stage3 borderline 4 when I started writing this.... so its calmed me down a little...thats always a good thing... I just really wish it were 11 P.M, or that I could cry :( I hate that I cannot be sad about this.. because a good cry always seems to make me feel better :(
Weekend Recap!!!!
It was okay went fairly well...!!
Sunday we had a get together at my house, and I noticed my oldest son sitting on the couch with a deer in the headlights looks and he was pulling at his clothes and scratching his neck, I know all too well whats going on inside his head, so i went over and talked to him but he wouldnt get up or leave the room he finally told me he was nervous,so I made up a reason I had to go upstairs and he came with me, and he laid on the bed, he had hives all over... i lied before when I said that the hardest part was letting people down, the hardest part is watching someone you love THAT much go through the same pain, with no control over it whatsoever :( I cried and laid on the bed with him and talked to him about things and tried to take his mind off whatever was going on..... he finally agreed to go back downstairs and join everyone and by then he wanted to eat so he did and he was still nervous the hives were still there, but then he went outside and played and was alright the rest of the day...
I am not sure if I handled right or not, i mean my first instinct is to run but its not what you should do you should stick it o ut and see for yourself that things will be okay, but I did what I have done for 10 years to him and that was remove him form the situation.. Ahh I just wish all this got easier..>!!! :(
The party for me was okay I struggled but I got through it without medicating. and there was a lot of people crammed into my living room... I talked to to SO a little last night about my anxiety and I like to think that talking even a little about it to someone helps.. so I felt better after that conversations.... He has two 16 hour days this week, which are going to be a struggle for me I am sure, but I WILL get through it, just like ive gotten through so many before!!!!
Sunday we had a get together at my house, and I noticed my oldest son sitting on the couch with a deer in the headlights looks and he was pulling at his clothes and scratching his neck, I know all too well whats going on inside his head, so i went over and talked to him but he wouldnt get up or leave the room he finally told me he was nervous,so I made up a reason I had to go upstairs and he came with me, and he laid on the bed, he had hives all over... i lied before when I said that the hardest part was letting people down, the hardest part is watching someone you love THAT much go through the same pain, with no control over it whatsoever :( I cried and laid on the bed with him and talked to him about things and tried to take his mind off whatever was going on..... he finally agreed to go back downstairs and join everyone and by then he wanted to eat so he did and he was still nervous the hives were still there, but then he went outside and played and was alright the rest of the day...
I am not sure if I handled right or not, i mean my first instinct is to run but its not what you should do you should stick it o ut and see for yourself that things will be okay, but I did what I have done for 10 years to him and that was remove him form the situation.. Ahh I just wish all this got easier..>!!! :(
The party for me was okay I struggled but I got through it without medicating. and there was a lot of people crammed into my living room... I talked to to SO a little last night about my anxiety and I like to think that talking even a little about it to someone helps.. so I felt better after that conversations.... He has two 16 hour days this week, which are going to be a struggle for me I am sure, but I WILL get through it, just like ive gotten through so many before!!!!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Reading about Panic
For me reading about people stories and online and in my workbook, reading about anxiety and panic, actually MAKE me panic, its like when I commit to reading and getting to know more its 2 steps forward for 10 steps back, because it sets me off... I know I am not alone, now more than ever I know that I am not alone.. I feel selfish sometimes when I talk about it like I am the only one suffering or I am the only one struggling when people out there have it way worse , Today was my first "good" day in awhile, I left the house I enjoyed and played with my kids , I cleaned my house, not that you can tell now, but I did it...lol.... I am still overly sad about this issue with my child, but that too shall pass I am cutting ties where ties need to be cut and that should help in the long run ...right now I am still a little bummed. I did get anxious today once that went to stage 2, and that was reading someone elses anxiety story I have a terrible trigger word that we do not even speak in my house and it was in this persons story.. I want to share it with you , I just don't feel that I am ready for whatever reason... :) Tomorrow brings new challenges, Soccer practice 15 minutes away and sunday we are hosting a football party.. So we will see how I get through the busy stressful weekend... at least I will have my "safe person"
Leaving.
I guess I didn't get a chance to write anything yesterday... I had parent teacher conferences for my 6 yr old. All of 2 minutes away driving time, and I still found myself getting anxious and I even medicated before I went, I am going to chalk it up to not leaving the house for an entire week , I let the fear get the best of me, but I got through it with only mild anxiety... Today I have a million errands to run... I am overly sad today but not for anxiety reasons, other reasons, why is it so hard to say goodbye to the past, I know why its so hard for me, but still, I am a tad broken hearted and torn today over a decision I need to make, for the sanity of me, and the heart of my child....If I only knew now what I didnt know then.... I am sure a lot of people feel like that, I just wish I had someone to talk to about it all...anyways.. I am going to do the things that need to be done today with an open mind , they are all generally close by, I shouldn't have an issue, but that doesn't mean I wont.
Update: so as part of my therapy I do on my own, I make weekly goals for myself, one was to go to a grocery store about 7 minutes from my house and go grocery shopping, well today I did it, to me its a huge deal :) so yay me!!!!!!!
Update: so as part of my therapy I do on my own, I make weekly goals for myself, one was to go to a grocery store about 7 minutes from my house and go grocery shopping, well today I did it, to me its a huge deal :) so yay me!!!!!!!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Note to self
Mobile posting doesnt work..... lol
This is what those 3 random posts should have said..
Its 341 pm and I've started to get anxious I am here alone with all 3 kids and I think that's the scariest part of all of this :( id give anything to make it all just go away and to be able to be normal or go about my life in a normal way...I am not sure what normal even is or if it even exsits but I am wish I could find out....I want to go lay in bed and play on my phone but I cannot because it needs to stay plugged in :( ahhhh why me...god why me :(
If you have noticed, during my panic, I tend to go all poor me, It really is not how I am usually thinking, but in that frame of mind that is usually where I go.. I wish I instead went to a happy place I am sure that would help me get through it.....
Today was a good day...sadly....what is considered a good day... I took medication around 4 P.M because I just cannot go through it and expect to live my daily life... So I ended it... probably the easiest way out I could have taken... and I am disappointed in myself for that, but by taking the easy way out I got to enjoy my day and my children !!! It was rewarding in its own way...!! I am off to my support boards and to watch T.V...hopefully the rest of the night goes quickly and falling asleep wont be an issue tonight....
This is what those 3 random posts should have said..
Its 341 pm and I've started to get anxious I am here alone with all 3 kids and I think that's the scariest part of all of this :( id give anything to make it all just go away and to be able to be normal or go about my life in a normal way...I am not sure what normal even is or if it even exsits but I am wish I could find out....I want to go lay in bed and play on my phone but I cannot because it needs to stay plugged in :( ahhhh why me...god why me :(
If you have noticed, during my panic, I tend to go all poor me, It really is not how I am usually thinking, but in that frame of mind that is usually where I go.. I wish I instead went to a happy place I am sure that would help me get through it.....
Today was a good day...sadly....what is considered a good day... I took medication around 4 P.M because I just cannot go through it and expect to live my daily life... So I ended it... probably the easiest way out I could have taken... and I am disappointed in myself for that, but by taking the easy way out I got to enjoy my day and my children !!! It was rewarding in its own way...!! I am off to my support boards and to watch T.V...hopefully the rest of the night goes quickly and falling asleep wont be an issue tonight....
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Looking Back
I decided to go back and read my journal entries from March 2009, when I was pregnant with chase, it was my anxiety journal, I was off all medication then, and doing very well.. well not very well in normal terms but for me , i was doing excellent even went through a full blown attack without medicating..... It makes me feel sad for regressing as much as I have.. I know that with anxiety and panic that its bound to happen ,I cannot change my disorder, I can only accept and overcome it, just hard to read how far I've fallen.. I went from being able to drive 35 minutes away to having trouble driving 1 minute away.. This too shall pass right???.. at least thats what I am trying to tell myself as I sit here anxious, trying to get through my Anxiety and Phobia workbook.. I am going to start writing daily again and making weekly goals. like I did last year it really seemed to help over time, I just havent decided if I am going to write out my daily life, like I have in the past I would write out pretty much everything that went on in my day... I am not sure I want to write it here.. I will still write most stuff here but my daily life journal I will keep private.. they are kind of boring anyway ;) Alright I need to go occupy myself I am really anxious at this point
Finding Support
Ahhh What a wonderful feeling it is, I've always known that I wasnt alone in my suffering that others out there had exactly what I had and some worse some not. A friend showed me a website with all kinds of forums one, being anxiety, I love to read and write to people on there. I am very thankful that I have found these people...
I am really working on writing my story of how this all started, it is really hard for me to go back to those 2 days and recall it all without triggering an attack, I have part of it drafted but it is unfinished. When it gets too much I save it and stop and go back to it later...
I can tell you I have what I think they call Medical and Death Anxiety, I fear I am going to die or something is going to happen to, almost every second of the day and seeing people dying or sick makes it super hard, I cannot watch TV shows like greys, House, ER, nothing like that, because it scares me, even some hospital scenes on shows I do watch I have to fast forward through, some people wonder how I made it through having 3 children.. and 9 major surgeries.. I have no idea, I know that I've survived them all and I wish that were enough to ease my fear ... but its not... Its really hard to fear something you cant face or even avoid.
I am really working on writing my story of how this all started, it is really hard for me to go back to those 2 days and recall it all without triggering an attack, I have part of it drafted but it is unfinished. When it gets too much I save it and stop and go back to it later...
I can tell you I have what I think they call Medical and Death Anxiety, I fear I am going to die or something is going to happen to, almost every second of the day and seeing people dying or sick makes it super hard, I cannot watch TV shows like greys, House, ER, nothing like that, because it scares me, even some hospital scenes on shows I do watch I have to fast forward through, some people wonder how I made it through having 3 children.. and 9 major surgeries.. I have no idea, I know that I've survived them all and I wish that were enough to ease my fear ... but its not... Its really hard to fear something you cant face or even avoid.
Monday, October 11, 2010
9:24
The posting time is off on here and I am not sure why...
I am about a stage 2 anxious, So I didnt make it through the day like my previous post states I ha d, I guess I should never count my chickens before they hatch. in about 1.5 hrs, SO will be home, thank god, but right now that seems like an eternity I really dont want to take anymore medication, So I am trying to talk myself through it, so far its not really working... I am starting to sweat and get my symptoms that its going to progress.. :( I just want it to stop, I want my mind to be able to stop it right here, and let it NOT go any further. Ahhh.. I would love to find some other blogs like mine and read success stories it would be nice to know that this is possible to overcome, I am sorry this is scattered , I am only writing what is in my head, and its jumping around and racing as well , its coming out as I am thinking it.... :( They say the average attack lasts 10 minutes , I am not sure if that means full blow attack or symptoms because my symptoms can last hours and hours :( :( I pray to god every time I get like this, ( I pray other times as well) they say he wouldn't give you anything you couldn't handle, or what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,I don't think I believe that.. I think you learn to handle what you are given and what doesnt kill you in time MIGHT make you stronger, but its been 10 years and this has never made me stronger of a person, I am not sure ifs even made me a better or more compassionate person.... I am stuck inside my own mind right now, and all I want is for him to come home and tell me I will be okay, he is going to be gone for 16 hours tomorrow, I am not sure how I will get through it, I know I will because I HAVE to.... Alright enough ramblings from my head.... I am down to stage 1, so writing here helped, I hit stage 3 right before I started this, so it seems to have helped to write or type it all out... I am going to try clean and occupy the rest of the night....
oh and I am trying sleepytime tea tonight in hopes that its an herbal way to help me fall asleep !!!
I am about a stage 2 anxious, So I didnt make it through the day like my previous post states I ha d, I guess I should never count my chickens before they hatch. in about 1.5 hrs, SO will be home, thank god, but right now that seems like an eternity I really dont want to take anymore medication, So I am trying to talk myself through it, so far its not really working... I am starting to sweat and get my symptoms that its going to progress.. :( I just want it to stop, I want my mind to be able to stop it right here, and let it NOT go any further. Ahhh.. I would love to find some other blogs like mine and read success stories it would be nice to know that this is possible to overcome, I am sorry this is scattered , I am only writing what is in my head, and its jumping around and racing as well , its coming out as I am thinking it.... :( They say the average attack lasts 10 minutes , I am not sure if that means full blow attack or symptoms because my symptoms can last hours and hours :( :( I pray to god every time I get like this, ( I pray other times as well) they say he wouldn't give you anything you couldn't handle, or what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,I don't think I believe that.. I think you learn to handle what you are given and what doesnt kill you in time MIGHT make you stronger, but its been 10 years and this has never made me stronger of a person, I am not sure ifs even made me a better or more compassionate person.... I am stuck inside my own mind right now, and all I want is for him to come home and tell me I will be okay, he is going to be gone for 16 hours tomorrow, I am not sure how I will get through it, I know I will because I HAVE to.... Alright enough ramblings from my head.... I am down to stage 1, so writing here helped, I hit stage 3 right before I started this, so it seems to have helped to write or type it all out... I am going to try clean and occupy the rest of the night....
oh and I am trying sleepytime tea tonight in hopes that its an herbal way to help me fall asleep !!!
:(
I am just not ready for today... I dont feel confident at all... SO is leaving for working in 15 minutes and I am not sure I can do this on my own today, I am defeated before I even get out of the gate right now.... If I could cry I would but I cannot Anxiety is one emotion that can rarely exist with any other.... It cannot be present with anger and happiness.... :( I will be back later to let you know how the day went.
UPDATE!!!!
I did take my medication and bawled my eyes out before he left, but I cleaned most of the day which helped, and I am glad that I in fact didnt fail. I took care of everyone and got through the day pretty much anxiety, panic free. ( knock on wood) because the day is not over yet :) But today was a good monday!!!
UPDATE!!!!
I did take my medication and bawled my eyes out before he left, but I cleaned most of the day which helped, and I am glad that I in fact didnt fail. I took care of everyone and got through the day pretty much anxiety, panic free. ( knock on wood) because the day is not over yet :) But today was a good monday!!!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
A hill any size...
is still a hill...... I decided that saturday night a friends birthday and everyone was going out to dinner!!! It was 45 minutes away, and car rides are hard for me, NOT as hard as driving, but still difficult, I decided to take my medication and ride with an awesome friend, So I did... and the entire drive there I was a terrible mess, I am sure she could somewhat tell, but she kept the conversation going which helped a lot. I got there and I was still a bit of a mess but 20 minutes in I was okay. I WAS OKAY!!!! 45 minutes away from home with no support system, because only one of these women knew about my issue!! The drive home went wonderful, and when I got home I was so so very proud of myself and my small accomplishment, I did it, medicated and not without rocky times or panic, but I DID IT , I went and I enjoyed myself, I didnt let my anxiety rule who I was!!!
Friday, October 8, 2010
Just thoughts
Sometimes I wonder what I must have done in a past life, or even this one to deserve this, I mean I am not the best person but I am also far from the worst, I try and help people and I always hold doors. I guess I just dont understand why it has to be me. Which in itself is selfish because I am not alone in my suffering, there are plenty of people out there who go through this and go through far worse things. I really wonder if sometimes it would be easier to have something psychically wrong with me at least that way there could be a cure or a medicine , or something to help me. I feel so alone sometime and so punished, but for what I don't know. I would give the world just to live my life without so much fear. I want to escape it if only for a day just to know what its like to live a day in someones shoes who can just live, not worrying about what is going to happen, or better yet WHAT IF this happens.... I hate this, I hate what has become of me, I hate what its doing to me all together and I just want it to go away...
its 12:41 AM and I was headed to bed and checked my FB ... and there it was a trigger, probably my biggest one right in front of my eyes, I was so relaxed and ready to fall asleep, instead I am here in tears writing this because I know that sleep isnt going to happen for awhile and I wish I could have just went to bed and left my stupid phone alone :(
its 12:41 AM and I was headed to bed and checked my FB ... and there it was a trigger, probably my biggest one right in front of my eyes, I was so relaxed and ready to fall asleep, instead I am here in tears writing this because I know that sleep isnt going to happen for awhile and I wish I could have just went to bed and left my stupid phone alone :(
Thursday, October 7, 2010
The Part That Never Gets Easier
Is letting people down. I have a hard time with cars and since I am in a bad place with my anxiety right now riding in cars or driving to places is especially hard for me. Most of my real life friends have no clue that I even have any kind of disorder and I dont feel comfortable telling them. I am sure they think I am a bad friend, or I just skip things on purpose, truth be told, I would love to do those things and function in a normal setting, but right now its not possible, This morning a friends been asking me for two months to do this thing and I guess its my fault that I keep accepting... and then canceling last minute, its about a half hour away and I cannot see myself riding even just 30 minutes without a safe person with me to at least talk to and let know what is going on in case something happens... Another friend is having a birthday party this weekend, its 45 minutes away and I would have to drive it , I OF COURSE, accepted the invitation. I guess the hope was that maybe I could do it. Maybe accepting meant that I was hoping for a better outcome and I end up letting people down. I expect to lose friends over all of it, in the course of time I have, The important ones , always stuck around though.
Mr.Sandman
Sleep.What a wonderful thing for most people, night time for me, means a struggle to fall asleep, My Significant other asked me last night why I have such a hard time every night falling asleep. I told him you know how your mind shuts off at night and your body relaxes? mine doesn't do that, my mind goes 24/7 there is never one point where it shuts off, not even to fall asleep, and my thoughts and fears are what keep me awake, I try and focus on the positive things and some nights its easier than others, its like fighting something that only exists in my mind, no one can help me beat it, I have to do it on my own. I do always finally fall asleep, I never remember what I am doing right before hand but I always do fall asleep there has never been a night where I had to stay up all night because the thoughts were too much, and for that I am thankful, it may not be a HUGE success but its a small one.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
What is Anxiety and Panic?
I guess that most people experience it at some time in their life, probably more frequently than they notice.. for me it happens daily. Anxiety is something we all have to deal with, our body and our mind cope with it, I do not, my anxiety turns into full on panic, and panic is no fun, its losing total control of myself, I lost sight of whats right and wrong and even what is harmful and what is not, its like a temporary out of body experience , you are just not yourself , Attacks are usually for me graded in stages, 1-5.... I have learned to talk myself down at about a stage 4, 5 don't happen to often anymore than I thank god for, the 5's are the unbearable ones , where I am sure nothing will ever be the same again.
Ive been in and out of counseling since I was 16 years old. I would like to say that some of it has helped , but to honest none of it has, it always seemed the therapists I would work with had little knowledge on the disorder, which is surprising since its such a common one. The Medication is what does it for me... the sedatives and my "safe" people.
I have specific fears that trigger any anxiety and panic and I need to learn to cope and deal and even face those before I ever have a chance of overcoming this, However I feel my fear is too strong to challenge, even though I know that's never true.
My fear: Death, how do you face it? You can't I fear something that is inevitable , that is the hardest part of all of it for me, is that the one thing I fear I cannot change, and I cannot avoid.. There major triggers however, that are hard for me to even type out without get anxious about them, so I am going to choose not to do so right now. I promise in time I will get around to telling everyone what they are...
I am going to leave this where it is for now and tomorrow I am going to post the story of where it all start 10 long years ago
For Me
I am making this blog mainly for myself. I need a place to get it all out...and if I help someone along the way then even better.
I am 25 years old. I have 3 children, and life is great, I am living the American dream. At least thats what it looks like from your point of view, what mostly everyone doesnt know is that since I was 15 years old, Ive been struggling with Panic/Anxiety with a Touch of agoraphobia when things get really bad. Thats 10 years. I can remember times when things were good, I can remember when things were great and I thought I had beaten it.. and I can remember times when it came back 10x worse than what it was. I am at one of those points in my life right now. I had been off all medication Since October 2008.. until this september. I really want to dig deep within myself and write it all out where it all started when I was 15 and where I am now and what my triggers are and what makes daily life such a struggle for me. For now I am going to leave it at this. I need to figure a few more things out about this whole blogging thing. I do plan to write out the attacks and the success, I need a place for myself, to know that its not always terrible, that I have a life worth fighting for, and worth getting back from this terrible disorder.
I am 25 years old. I have 3 children, and life is great, I am living the American dream. At least thats what it looks like from your point of view, what mostly everyone doesnt know is that since I was 15 years old, Ive been struggling with Panic/Anxiety with a Touch of agoraphobia when things get really bad. Thats 10 years. I can remember times when things were good, I can remember when things were great and I thought I had beaten it.. and I can remember times when it came back 10x worse than what it was. I am at one of those points in my life right now. I had been off all medication Since October 2008.. until this september. I really want to dig deep within myself and write it all out where it all started when I was 15 and where I am now and what my triggers are and what makes daily life such a struggle for me. For now I am going to leave it at this. I need to figure a few more things out about this whole blogging thing. I do plan to write out the attacks and the success, I need a place for myself, to know that its not always terrible, that I have a life worth fighting for, and worth getting back from this terrible disorder.
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