Thanksgiving!!!

Ohh Thanksgiving!!! I decided to take .5 MGs of klonopin before we went to dinner at my brothers. I think it was a mistake, I believe I would have gotten through it without the meds but now I will never ever know.. I havne't taken it since November 7th, so it was about 3 weeks... but man o man the days  I do take it , I feel like I can take over the world,its so nice to have those anxiety panic free days, much deserved I might add. Thanksgiving was good, food was yummy.

I decided to reward myself for having a good day by having an adult night, D and I went this his best friends girlfriends house and played poker with 2 other couples, and drank some wine....Now comes the scary part, I had a lot of wine and some champagne, I won't lie about it, A LOT... I didnt feel too bad...until we left to go home, the cold air hit me and holy crap, I remember some of the ride home and then going to bed and getting changed, I lost that entire time, I have NO recollection of it whatsoever, which I am sure has to do with mixing the medication and the alcohol, but I have been racking my brain trying to get that time back and its gone.. I asked D everything that happened and he told me, But its scary to just completely not remember it . I will no longer be mixing my medication with alcohol, even if its just wine...

Overall it was memorable and I have no idea why I dreaded it..... Right now I am at a cross road between making the decision to stay medicated, knowing that eventually I will wean myself off, I always do, I always have periods where I do not take it at all, or just quitting it now.. I hate relying on it, but its so very helpful, it makes my life bearable and I can be happy.. I am so confused.

Note to self

Mobile posting doesnt work..... lol

This is what those 3 random posts should have said..

Its 341 pm and I've started to get anxious I am here alone with all 3 kids and I think that's the scariest part of all of this :( id give anything to make it all just go away and to be able to be normal or go about my life in a normal way...I am not sure what normal even is or if it even exsits but I am wish I could find out....I want to go lay in bed and play on my phone but I cannot because it needs to stay plugged in :( ahhhh why me...god why me :(



If you have noticed, during my panic, I tend to go all poor me, It really is not how I am usually thinking, but in that frame of mind that is usually where I go.. I wish I instead went to a happy place I am sure that would help me get through it.....

Today was a good day...sadly....what is considered a good day... I took medication around 4 P.M because I just cannot go through it and expect to live my daily life... So I ended it... probably the easiest way out I could have taken... and I am disappointed in myself for that, but by taking the easy way out I got to enjoy my day and my children !!! It was rewarding in its own way...!! I am off to my support boards and to watch T.V...hopefully the rest of the night goes quickly and falling asleep wont be an issue tonight....