I am a mess!!!

Its 1248 AM and I am an absolute wreck, I ended up giving in and taking my meds in hopes that I would get some sleep tonight, which sucks because its been since saturday that I had taken anything, so almost a week. but whatever, I have to be up for the day at 7 AM to take care of my kids all day tomorrow, D wont be here at all, so the 12 hours is all mine...

I am anxious.. I am having a hard time and he had to leave for about 30 minutes, which to me seems like an entire eternity :( When he gets home he has to go to sleep ...

Im just a wreck, after my amazing day yesterday I was sure things would be semi back to freaking normal, but instead I have the worst day Ive had in awhile , amazing how this stupid disorder works, I am angry for not being able to control it and not being able to control myself... its not going to get me anywhere but for now its helping...


It all started because the right side of my face feels numb, I am not sure why it has such a strange feeling it in, I know its nothing, its nothing, its nothing..its nothing, I am fine its nothing, I am okay, its nothing... ahh its not working but wishful thinking right?? I could really use a hug...

Its a terrible thing having no control over the way you think and feel.. and to have everyone around you tell you its not that hard, or whats the big deal just relax, I wish sometimes they just understood, that for me....it really isnt just that cut and dry... that if I could relax, than my problems would be gone... ohwell..poor me tonight sorry ;)

A hill any size...

is still a hill...... I decided that saturday night a friends birthday and everyone was going out to dinner!!! It was 45 minutes away, and car rides are hard for me, NOT as hard as driving, but still difficult, I decided to take my medication and ride with an awesome friend, So I did... and the entire drive there I was a terrible mess, I am sure she could somewhat tell, but she kept the conversation going which helped a lot. I got there and I was still a bit of a mess but 20 minutes in I was okay. I WAS OKAY!!!! 45 minutes away from home with no support system, because only one of these women knew about my issue!! The drive home went wonderful, and when I got home I was so so very proud of myself and my small accomplishment, I did it, medicated and not without rocky times or panic, but I DID IT , I went and I enjoyed myself, I didnt let my anxiety rule who I was!!!

The Part That Never Gets Easier

Is letting people down. I have a hard time with cars and since I am in a bad place with my anxiety right now riding in cars or driving to places is especially hard for me. Most of my real life friends have no clue that I even have any kind of disorder and I dont feel comfortable telling them. I am sure they think I am a bad friend, or I just skip things on purpose, truth be told, I would love to do those things and function in a normal setting, but right now its not possible, This morning a friends been asking me for two months to do this thing and I guess its my fault that I keep accepting... and then canceling last minute, its about a half hour away and I cannot see myself riding even just 30 minutes without a safe person with me to at least talk to and let know what is going on in case something happens... Another friend is having a birthday party this weekend, its 45 minutes away and I would have to drive it , I OF COURSE, accepted the invitation. I guess the hope was that maybe I could do it. Maybe accepting meant that I was hoping for a better outcome and I end up letting people down. I expect to lose friends over all of it, in the course of time I have, The important ones , always stuck around though.