Take 2

This is the second attempt at this post, this first time around C1 ( my 2 yr old unplugged my computer and I lost it all.... So Take 2!!

today I had to go to the grocery store, and I was so hopeful and optimistic that i debated going on the highway to the store in the next town , but I did not for 2 reasons. 1, I didnt have a lot of time, and 2 maybe it was too big of a store to conquer just yet..

I went to a store about 5-7 minutes away depending on lights, I did okay, mid way through I got anxious but it went , I actually did the line check out instead of self check out, I always do self to keep myself busy, the guy who got behind me had an oxygen tank, go figure right, I do okay, I am walking out and get very anxious as my foot feels numb, being numb is a huge trigger for me... I know I will be fine once I start to load the car up, and I was , I start to leave and I swear it hit me like a ton of bricks, I had started to panic, as bad as its gotten in awhile...Id say I was full on panic by the time i got to the arbys drive thru, which I decided to stop despite the hard time I was having.. I got through it but I remember thinking about death and dying, and fainting and all the sudden I look down and there is a cut on my finger and that freaks me out apparently, I get to the drive thru and have to wait in a line and I do not have my phone, I have Ds phone, so I cannot call my safe person, I had not taken my vitamin, I had no gum and no water ( until after the drive thru guy handed me my water) I was without all my support people and objects, which is a good thing for long term recovery, but a bad thing for my mindset right then and there. I get back out on the road and get stuck at a light, I feel light headed and dizzy and I stop to think about my breathing and how thats probably causing it, it didnt help at all :( I thought maybe it would, I tried to calm myself down, but I ended up arguing with my thoughts and getting no where, back on the road, the car in front of me went 10 below the speed limit... I get home the literally the moment I get out of the car, I was alright... I just wish my mind would stop doing this to me, I shouldnt act or talk like a victim in the situation but I cant help it right now, I had finally been able to go to the store ..without worry and now I will worry about even driving those 5-7 minutes away now... depressing..discouraging.devastating ..

I got home and took my vitamin and I am okay now... Ive been okay since almost the moment I walked in, I did take a 30 minute cat nap , because I was very light headed, I am sure it had to do with my low blood sugar and the fact that I am getting sick, and not fainting like I like to jump to.

My kids are driving me batty today , I am sure the high stress has something to do with my recent issues. ( just hit save c1 is by the plug) I need a break from my life for a little bit, my kids fight with each other non stop and scream non stop, I just need a slow down for a little bit, to breathe...

Anyways , I hope everyone has a great weekend.. I have no plans.. I look forward to doing nothing.

Weekend...

I am sure that you have noticed that I dont write too much on the weekends, I am usually busier than the weekdays!!

Saturday- I had a lot to do , Soccer Game, Mall, Birthday Party... I decided at 9 AM, I would take 1 MG klonopin, because I wanted to enjoy the day not be anxious for all of it... My safe person was with me at the game and at the mall, and it went off without a hitch I didnt feel a bit anxious the entire time I was either place. I hate that Ill never know if it was me or the meds, I must say that the meds dont always 100 percent work... So I will credit to both the meds and myself... The birthday party I decided to attend alone, with 2 of my children, I drove there, on the high way and even managed to get lost twice, I did get anxious a very very little bit at the party but it was nothing I couldn't handle.... It was around 4 PM, so the meds had more than worn off by this point, at least thats what I am telling myself ;) but I got through it highway , getting lost and party without my safe person, I have to mention this is the same exact highway I was on when the attack on September 17th happened, I never ever travel this way on the highway ... well I can remember three times in the past year, Once to my sons baseball game and once when the attack happened and yesterday... So I did very very well all things considered. I was overly proud of myself that day...

Sunday- We had people over for dinner, I did not medicate this day , I didnt see a point, I got anxious when they got here for a brief period of time, but that subsided, sunday was a pretty laid back day minus all the crazy cooking I had to do, I made BBQ ribs, Homemade mac and cheese and baked potatoes...Yumm.. Only I dont eat ribs....

and then there is today, I am really down today , I am sure its PMS, but I am depressed today , I honestly think there is more going on in my personal life then I would like to admit... Maybe the suppressed feelings have a little do with the anxiety or maybe not, I am not sure I will ever know. ( I had to stop blogging to go and scrub orange pop that C2 had exploded all over my WHITE carpet) I got almost all of it out though thank goodness. Now they are down for nap, which means I get to go clean my house...

Par for the Course

Ahh. How I wish I could not worry if even for a day. Its like worrying about things,especially things I cannot change, it comsumes my entire day. Today its worrying about my kids and if they have anxiety and or some other issues, I am unsure what to think and what to make of all my stupid thoughts, I wish I could let things play out the way they were meant to be, they will anyway, so why spend my life worrying about them. It surely wont change the outcome, just make me a little crazier....

I went to subway today, did amazing in the 20 minute line and about 1 minute away from home I got super anxious and started to PANIC , I havent actually PANICED in awhile, Thankfully I was only 1 minute away from home and got home quickly and it subsided. I really am looking forward to the day when driving isnt a HUGE deal again,when I can take my son to speech therapy again, I am sure she wonders why I havent been there and his father has . I kind of want to write her a letter and tell her everything, at least that way maybe just maybe she would understand a little better or maybe just not judge me for not being there.. I was taking him to every appt at first, before all this crap happened at least. I just want to be a good mother, It should only matter that I am in the eyes of my children, but I still don't want to be judged for what I cannot do instead applauded for the things I have overcome just to be a mother. Either way life is life I have to accept that other people won't always agree or see things my way.

D is doing a 16 hour day, I will be here for, 16 hours alone..I am so dreading it, P is the only one with school tomorrow as well, the babies will be here and just me... Ill get through it I always do.

A hill any size...

is still a hill...... I decided that saturday night a friends birthday and everyone was going out to dinner!!! It was 45 minutes away, and car rides are hard for me, NOT as hard as driving, but still difficult, I decided to take my medication and ride with an awesome friend, So I did... and the entire drive there I was a terrible mess, I am sure she could somewhat tell, but she kept the conversation going which helped a lot. I got there and I was still a bit of a mess but 20 minutes in I was okay. I WAS OKAY!!!! 45 minutes away from home with no support system, because only one of these women knew about my issue!! The drive home went wonderful, and when I got home I was so so very proud of myself and my small accomplishment, I did it, medicated and not without rocky times or panic, but I DID IT , I went and I enjoyed myself, I didnt let my anxiety rule who I was!!!