9:27 P.M

Here I am , Anxious, its pretty bad right now, I wouldnt say its HORRIBLE yet, but its borderline, Ive gotten through how many hours of being awake and taking care of my kids, and now1.5 hours away from my safe person being home, I get like this, I know what happened, I know EXACTLY what sent me here , it was simple change in feeling, NOTHING more, its crazy how a simple throat itch, can make me crazy anxious :( I dont understand the human brain and I wont pretend to but I wish , for once, that I could convince myself that I am okay!!!! I know deep down that I am, deep down somewhere, but on the surface I cannot make myself believe it, not even for a simple second ... So frustrating to me, it all is so effing frustrating... !!!! Why is it soo simple for some people to control their thoughts and others are a prisoner to them?? Is it a chemical imbalance, is their something I am missing or lacking or not producing enough of, there HAS to be an explanation to all of this a reason why..I simply refuse to settle for, because its the way things are!!!!

Tomorrow I am going to start taking my multi vitamin again and see if it helps, and see if maybe that takes away some of it, I dont expect it to be an awesome cure all, but I dont eat right and i dont think the vitamins can hurt!!! I am pretty much willing to try anything at this point!!!!!!!!!!

its 931 its about a stage 2, it was a stage3 borderline 4 when I started writing this.... so its calmed me down a little...thats always a good thing... I just really wish it were 11 P.M, or that I could cry :( I hate that I cannot be sad about this.. because a good cry always seems to make me feel better :(

Leaving.

I guess I didn't get a chance to write anything yesterday... I had parent teacher conferences for my 6 yr old. All of 2 minutes away driving time, and I still found myself getting anxious and I even medicated before I went, I am going to chalk it up to not leaving the house for an entire week , I let the fear get the best of me, but I got through it with only mild anxiety... Today I have a million errands to run... I am overly sad today but not for anxiety reasons, other reasons, why is it so hard to say goodbye to the past, I know why its so hard for me, but still, I am a tad broken hearted and torn today over a decision I need to make, for the sanity of me, and the heart of my child....If I only knew now what I didnt know then.... I am sure a lot of people feel like that, I just wish I had someone to talk to about it all...anyways.. I am going to do the things that need to be done today with an open mind , they are all generally close by, I shouldn't have an issue, but that doesn't mean I wont.


Update: so as part of my therapy I do on my own, I make weekly goals for myself, one was to go to a grocery store about 7 minutes from my house and go grocery shopping, well today I did it, to me its a huge deal :) so yay me!!!!!!!