Thanksgiving!!!

Ohh Thanksgiving!!! I decided to take .5 MGs of klonopin before we went to dinner at my brothers. I think it was a mistake, I believe I would have gotten through it without the meds but now I will never ever know.. I havne't taken it since November 7th, so it was about 3 weeks... but man o man the days  I do take it , I feel like I can take over the world,its so nice to have those anxiety panic free days, much deserved I might add. Thanksgiving was good, food was yummy.

I decided to reward myself for having a good day by having an adult night, D and I went this his best friends girlfriends house and played poker with 2 other couples, and drank some wine....Now comes the scary part, I had a lot of wine and some champagne, I won't lie about it, A LOT... I didnt feel too bad...until we left to go home, the cold air hit me and holy crap, I remember some of the ride home and then going to bed and getting changed, I lost that entire time, I have NO recollection of it whatsoever, which I am sure has to do with mixing the medication and the alcohol, but I have been racking my brain trying to get that time back and its gone.. I asked D everything that happened and he told me, But its scary to just completely not remember it . I will no longer be mixing my medication with alcohol, even if its just wine...

Overall it was memorable and I have no idea why I dreaded it..... Right now I am at a cross road between making the decision to stay medicated, knowing that eventually I will wean myself off, I always do, I always have periods where I do not take it at all, or just quitting it now.. I hate relying on it, but its so very helpful, it makes my life bearable and I can be happy.. I am so confused.

Take 2

This is the second attempt at this post, this first time around C1 ( my 2 yr old unplugged my computer and I lost it all.... So Take 2!!

today I had to go to the grocery store, and I was so hopeful and optimistic that i debated going on the highway to the store in the next town , but I did not for 2 reasons. 1, I didnt have a lot of time, and 2 maybe it was too big of a store to conquer just yet..

I went to a store about 5-7 minutes away depending on lights, I did okay, mid way through I got anxious but it went , I actually did the line check out instead of self check out, I always do self to keep myself busy, the guy who got behind me had an oxygen tank, go figure right, I do okay, I am walking out and get very anxious as my foot feels numb, being numb is a huge trigger for me... I know I will be fine once I start to load the car up, and I was , I start to leave and I swear it hit me like a ton of bricks, I had started to panic, as bad as its gotten in awhile...Id say I was full on panic by the time i got to the arbys drive thru, which I decided to stop despite the hard time I was having.. I got through it but I remember thinking about death and dying, and fainting and all the sudden I look down and there is a cut on my finger and that freaks me out apparently, I get to the drive thru and have to wait in a line and I do not have my phone, I have Ds phone, so I cannot call my safe person, I had not taken my vitamin, I had no gum and no water ( until after the drive thru guy handed me my water) I was without all my support people and objects, which is a good thing for long term recovery, but a bad thing for my mindset right then and there. I get back out on the road and get stuck at a light, I feel light headed and dizzy and I stop to think about my breathing and how thats probably causing it, it didnt help at all :( I thought maybe it would, I tried to calm myself down, but I ended up arguing with my thoughts and getting no where, back on the road, the car in front of me went 10 below the speed limit... I get home the literally the moment I get out of the car, I was alright... I just wish my mind would stop doing this to me, I shouldnt act or talk like a victim in the situation but I cant help it right now, I had finally been able to go to the store ..without worry and now I will worry about even driving those 5-7 minutes away now... depressing..discouraging.devastating ..

I got home and took my vitamin and I am okay now... Ive been okay since almost the moment I walked in, I did take a 30 minute cat nap , because I was very light headed, I am sure it had to do with my low blood sugar and the fact that I am getting sick, and not fainting like I like to jump to.

My kids are driving me batty today , I am sure the high stress has something to do with my recent issues. ( just hit save c1 is by the plug) I need a break from my life for a little bit, my kids fight with each other non stop and scream non stop, I just need a slow down for a little bit, to breathe...

Anyways , I hope everyone has a great weekend.. I have no plans.. I look forward to doing nothing.

Weekend...

I am sure that you have noticed that I dont write too much on the weekends, I am usually busier than the weekdays!!

Saturday- I had a lot to do , Soccer Game, Mall, Birthday Party... I decided at 9 AM, I would take 1 MG klonopin, because I wanted to enjoy the day not be anxious for all of it... My safe person was with me at the game and at the mall, and it went off without a hitch I didnt feel a bit anxious the entire time I was either place. I hate that Ill never know if it was me or the meds, I must say that the meds dont always 100 percent work... So I will credit to both the meds and myself... The birthday party I decided to attend alone, with 2 of my children, I drove there, on the high way and even managed to get lost twice, I did get anxious a very very little bit at the party but it was nothing I couldn't handle.... It was around 4 PM, so the meds had more than worn off by this point, at least thats what I am telling myself ;) but I got through it highway , getting lost and party without my safe person, I have to mention this is the same exact highway I was on when the attack on September 17th happened, I never ever travel this way on the highway ... well I can remember three times in the past year, Once to my sons baseball game and once when the attack happened and yesterday... So I did very very well all things considered. I was overly proud of myself that day...

Sunday- We had people over for dinner, I did not medicate this day , I didnt see a point, I got anxious when they got here for a brief period of time, but that subsided, sunday was a pretty laid back day minus all the crazy cooking I had to do, I made BBQ ribs, Homemade mac and cheese and baked potatoes...Yumm.. Only I dont eat ribs....

and then there is today, I am really down today , I am sure its PMS, but I am depressed today , I honestly think there is more going on in my personal life then I would like to admit... Maybe the suppressed feelings have a little do with the anxiety or maybe not, I am not sure I will ever know. ( I had to stop blogging to go and scrub orange pop that C2 had exploded all over my WHITE carpet) I got almost all of it out though thank goodness. Now they are down for nap, which means I get to go clean my house...

Par for the Course

Ahh. How I wish I could not worry if even for a day. Its like worrying about things,especially things I cannot change, it comsumes my entire day. Today its worrying about my kids and if they have anxiety and or some other issues, I am unsure what to think and what to make of all my stupid thoughts, I wish I could let things play out the way they were meant to be, they will anyway, so why spend my life worrying about them. It surely wont change the outcome, just make me a little crazier....

I went to subway today, did amazing in the 20 minute line and about 1 minute away from home I got super anxious and started to PANIC , I havent actually PANICED in awhile, Thankfully I was only 1 minute away from home and got home quickly and it subsided. I really am looking forward to the day when driving isnt a HUGE deal again,when I can take my son to speech therapy again, I am sure she wonders why I havent been there and his father has . I kind of want to write her a letter and tell her everything, at least that way maybe just maybe she would understand a little better or maybe just not judge me for not being there.. I was taking him to every appt at first, before all this crap happened at least. I just want to be a good mother, It should only matter that I am in the eyes of my children, but I still don't want to be judged for what I cannot do instead applauded for the things I have overcome just to be a mother. Either way life is life I have to accept that other people won't always agree or see things my way.

D is doing a 16 hour day, I will be here for, 16 hours alone..I am so dreading it, P is the only one with school tomorrow as well, the babies will be here and just me... Ill get through it I always do.

I am a mess!!!

Its 1248 AM and I am an absolute wreck, I ended up giving in and taking my meds in hopes that I would get some sleep tonight, which sucks because its been since saturday that I had taken anything, so almost a week. but whatever, I have to be up for the day at 7 AM to take care of my kids all day tomorrow, D wont be here at all, so the 12 hours is all mine...

I am anxious.. I am having a hard time and he had to leave for about 30 minutes, which to me seems like an entire eternity :( When he gets home he has to go to sleep ...

Im just a wreck, after my amazing day yesterday I was sure things would be semi back to freaking normal, but instead I have the worst day Ive had in awhile , amazing how this stupid disorder works, I am angry for not being able to control it and not being able to control myself... its not going to get me anywhere but for now its helping...


It all started because the right side of my face feels numb, I am not sure why it has such a strange feeling it in, I know its nothing, its nothing, its nothing..its nothing, I am fine its nothing, I am okay, its nothing... ahh its not working but wishful thinking right?? I could really use a hug...

Its a terrible thing having no control over the way you think and feel.. and to have everyone around you tell you its not that hard, or whats the big deal just relax, I wish sometimes they just understood, that for me....it really isnt just that cut and dry... that if I could relax, than my problems would be gone... ohwell..poor me tonight sorry ;)

9:27 P.M

Here I am , Anxious, its pretty bad right now, I wouldnt say its HORRIBLE yet, but its borderline, Ive gotten through how many hours of being awake and taking care of my kids, and now1.5 hours away from my safe person being home, I get like this, I know what happened, I know EXACTLY what sent me here , it was simple change in feeling, NOTHING more, its crazy how a simple throat itch, can make me crazy anxious :( I dont understand the human brain and I wont pretend to but I wish , for once, that I could convince myself that I am okay!!!! I know deep down that I am, deep down somewhere, but on the surface I cannot make myself believe it, not even for a simple second ... So frustrating to me, it all is so effing frustrating... !!!! Why is it soo simple for some people to control their thoughts and others are a prisoner to them?? Is it a chemical imbalance, is their something I am missing or lacking or not producing enough of, there HAS to be an explanation to all of this a reason why..I simply refuse to settle for, because its the way things are!!!!

Tomorrow I am going to start taking my multi vitamin again and see if it helps, and see if maybe that takes away some of it, I dont expect it to be an awesome cure all, but I dont eat right and i dont think the vitamins can hurt!!! I am pretty much willing to try anything at this point!!!!!!!!!!

its 931 its about a stage 2, it was a stage3 borderline 4 when I started writing this.... so its calmed me down a little...thats always a good thing... I just really wish it were 11 P.M, or that I could cry :( I hate that I cannot be sad about this.. because a good cry always seems to make me feel better :(

Reading about Panic

For me reading about people stories and online and in my workbook, reading about anxiety and panic, actually MAKE me panic, its like when I commit to reading and getting to know more its 2 steps forward for 10 steps back, because it sets me off... I know I am not alone, now more than ever I know that I am not alone.. I feel selfish sometimes when I talk about it like I am the only one suffering or I am the only one struggling when people out there have it way worse , Today was my first "good" day in awhile, I left the house I enjoyed and played with my kids , I cleaned my house, not that you can tell now, but I did it...lol.... I am still overly sad about this issue with my child, but that too shall pass I am cutting ties where ties need to be cut and that should help in the long run ...right now I am still a little bummed. I did get anxious today once that went to stage 2, and that was reading someone elses anxiety story I have a terrible trigger word that we do not even speak in my house and it was in this persons story.. I want to share it with you , I just don't feel that I am ready for whatever reason... :) Tomorrow brings new challenges, Soccer practice 15 minutes away and sunday we are hosting a football party.. So we will see how I get through the busy stressful weekend... at least I will have my "safe person"

Leaving.

I guess I didn't get a chance to write anything yesterday... I had parent teacher conferences for my 6 yr old. All of 2 minutes away driving time, and I still found myself getting anxious and I even medicated before I went, I am going to chalk it up to not leaving the house for an entire week , I let the fear get the best of me, but I got through it with only mild anxiety... Today I have a million errands to run... I am overly sad today but not for anxiety reasons, other reasons, why is it so hard to say goodbye to the past, I know why its so hard for me, but still, I am a tad broken hearted and torn today over a decision I need to make, for the sanity of me, and the heart of my child....If I only knew now what I didnt know then.... I am sure a lot of people feel like that, I just wish I had someone to talk to about it all...anyways.. I am going to do the things that need to be done today with an open mind , they are all generally close by, I shouldn't have an issue, but that doesn't mean I wont.


Update: so as part of my therapy I do on my own, I make weekly goals for myself, one was to go to a grocery store about 7 minutes from my house and go grocery shopping, well today I did it, to me its a huge deal :) so yay me!!!!!!!

Note to self

Mobile posting doesnt work..... lol

This is what those 3 random posts should have said..

Its 341 pm and I've started to get anxious I am here alone with all 3 kids and I think that's the scariest part of all of this :( id give anything to make it all just go away and to be able to be normal or go about my life in a normal way...I am not sure what normal even is or if it even exsits but I am wish I could find out....I want to go lay in bed and play on my phone but I cannot because it needs to stay plugged in :( ahhhh why me...god why me :(



If you have noticed, during my panic, I tend to go all poor me, It really is not how I am usually thinking, but in that frame of mind that is usually where I go.. I wish I instead went to a happy place I am sure that would help me get through it.....

Today was a good day...sadly....what is considered a good day... I took medication around 4 P.M because I just cannot go through it and expect to live my daily life... So I ended it... probably the easiest way out I could have taken... and I am disappointed in myself for that, but by taking the easy way out I got to enjoy my day and my children !!! It was rewarding in its own way...!! I am off to my support boards and to watch T.V...hopefully the rest of the night goes quickly and falling asleep wont be an issue tonight....

Looking Back

I decided to go back and read my journal entries from March 2009, when I was pregnant with chase, it was my anxiety journal, I was off all medication then, and doing very well.. well not very well in normal terms but for me , i was doing excellent even went through a full blown attack without medicating..... It makes me feel sad for regressing as much as I have.. I know that with anxiety and panic that its bound to happen ,I cannot change my disorder, I can only accept and overcome it, just hard to read how far I've fallen.. I went from being able to drive 35 minutes away to having trouble driving 1 minute away.. This too shall pass right???.. at least thats what I am trying to tell myself as I sit here anxious, trying to get through my Anxiety and Phobia workbook.. I am going to start writing daily again and making weekly goals. like I did last year it really seemed to help over time, I just havent decided if I am going to write out my daily life, like I have in the past I would write out pretty much everything that went on in my day... I am not sure I want to write it here.. I will still write most stuff here but my daily life journal I will keep private.. they are kind of boring anyway ;) Alright I need to go occupy myself I am really anxious at this point

:(

I am just not ready for today... I dont feel confident at all... SO is leaving for working in 15 minutes and I am not sure I can do this on my own today, I am defeated before I even get out of the gate right now.... If I could cry I would but I cannot Anxiety is one emotion that can rarely exist with any other.... It cannot be present with anger and happiness.... :( I will be back later to let you know how the day went.



UPDATE!!!!

I did take my medication and bawled my eyes out before he left, but I cleaned most of the day which helped, and I am glad that I in fact didnt fail. I took care of everyone and got through the day pretty much anxiety, panic free. ( knock on wood) because the day is not over yet :) But today was a good monday!!!

The Part That Never Gets Easier

Is letting people down. I have a hard time with cars and since I am in a bad place with my anxiety right now riding in cars or driving to places is especially hard for me. Most of my real life friends have no clue that I even have any kind of disorder and I dont feel comfortable telling them. I am sure they think I am a bad friend, or I just skip things on purpose, truth be told, I would love to do those things and function in a normal setting, but right now its not possible, This morning a friends been asking me for two months to do this thing and I guess its my fault that I keep accepting... and then canceling last minute, its about a half hour away and I cannot see myself riding even just 30 minutes without a safe person with me to at least talk to and let know what is going on in case something happens... Another friend is having a birthday party this weekend, its 45 minutes away and I would have to drive it , I OF COURSE, accepted the invitation. I guess the hope was that maybe I could do it. Maybe accepting meant that I was hoping for a better outcome and I end up letting people down. I expect to lose friends over all of it, in the course of time I have, The important ones , always stuck around though.

Mr.Sandman

Sleep.What a wonderful thing for most people, night time for me, means a struggle to fall asleep, My Significant other asked me last night why I have such a hard time every night falling asleep. I told him you know how your mind shuts off at night and your body relaxes? mine doesn't do that, my mind goes 24/7 there is never one point where it shuts off, not even to fall asleep, and my thoughts and fears are what keep me awake, I try and focus on the positive things and some nights its easier than others, its like fighting something that only exists in my mind, no one can help me beat it, I have to do it on my own. I do always finally fall asleep, I never remember what I am doing right before hand but I always do fall asleep there has never been a night where I had to stay up all night because the thoughts were too much, and for that I am thankful, it may not be a HUGE success but its a small one.

What is Anxiety and Panic?

I guess that most people experience it at some time in their life, probably more frequently than they notice.. for me it happens daily. Anxiety is something we all have to deal with, our body and our mind cope with it, I do not, my anxiety turns into full on panic, and panic is no fun, its losing total control of myself, I lost sight of whats right and wrong and even what is harmful and what is not, its like a temporary out of body experience , you are just not yourself , Attacks are usually for me graded in stages, 1-5.... I have learned to talk myself down at about a stage 4, 5 don't happen to often anymore than I thank god for, the 5's are the unbearable ones , where I am sure nothing will ever be the same again.

Ive been in and out of counseling since I was 16 years old. I would like to say that some of it has helped , but to honest none of it has, it always seemed the therapists I would work with had little knowledge on the disorder, which is surprising since its such a common one. The Medication is what does it for me... the sedatives and my "safe" people.

I have specific fears that trigger any anxiety and panic and I need to learn to cope and deal and even face those before I ever have a chance of overcoming this, However I feel my fear is too strong to challenge, even though I know that's never true.

My fear: Death, how do you face it? You can't I fear something that is inevitable , that is the hardest part of all of it for me, is that the one thing I fear I cannot change, and I cannot avoid.. There major triggers however, that are hard for me to even type out without get anxious about them, so I am going to choose not to do so right now. I promise in time I will get around to telling everyone what they are...

I am going to leave this where it is for now and tomorrow I am going to post the story of where it all start 10 long years ago

For Me

I am making this blog mainly for myself. I need a place to get it all out...and if I help someone along the way then even better.

I am 25 years old. I have 3 children, and life is great, I am living the American dream. At least thats what it looks like from your point of view, what mostly everyone doesnt know is that since I was 15 years old, Ive been struggling with Panic/Anxiety with a Touch of agoraphobia when things get really bad. Thats 10 years. I can remember times when things were good, I can remember when things were great and I thought I had beaten it.. and I can remember times when it came back 10x worse than what it was. I am at one of those points in my life right now. I had been off all medication Since October 2008.. until this september. I really want to dig deep within myself and write it all out where it all started when I was 15 and where I am now and what my triggers are and what makes daily life such a struggle for me. For now I am going to leave it at this. I need to figure a few more things out about this whole blogging thing. I do plan to write out the attacks and the success, I need a place for myself, to know that its not always terrible, that I have a life worth fighting for, and worth getting back from this terrible disorder.