New Fears, Old Fears, Strange Fears.

Just thinking about my disorder... I strongly believe that I had overcome it, that I had it under complete control...... Until that damn bee sting.. Because my FEAR used to be fainting, and that came from the first incident when I was 16.... I still to this day HAVE that fear... but I don't think its any longer my MAIN fear, I think my new main fear is not being able to swallow because when I got stung by the bee I was fine, until the panic took over me and all the sudden I went to "what if" I am allergic, or what if something happens to me.... because I literally FELT like I couldnt swallow, I now know that was all the panic .. then it seemed so real and like it was really happening, so maybe I hadnt overcome it entirely, maybe thats why it came back when something triggered it, but boy these last two years were amazing!!! So here I am , with not only the fear of fainting but tack on the fear of not being able to swallow, and viola, panic disorder comes back, worse than its been in 9 years, besides when I was younger, maybe even not then, this is the worst I can EVER remember it being, this is the most house bound Ive ever been, but then again I didnt drive back then, so I didnt really have the fear of driving .... I did have the fear of driving because I didnt get my license, but I was never this HOUSE BOUND ... I guess the agoraphobia has really just taken over this time.

Its 1150 AM , My time and I need to go to the grocery store 6-7 minutes away, do you know what I wouldn't give for that not to be a HUGE deal.

Looking Back

I decided to go back and read my journal entries from March 2009, when I was pregnant with chase, it was my anxiety journal, I was off all medication then, and doing very well.. well not very well in normal terms but for me , i was doing excellent even went through a full blown attack without medicating..... It makes me feel sad for regressing as much as I have.. I know that with anxiety and panic that its bound to happen ,I cannot change my disorder, I can only accept and overcome it, just hard to read how far I've fallen.. I went from being able to drive 35 minutes away to having trouble driving 1 minute away.. This too shall pass right???.. at least thats what I am trying to tell myself as I sit here anxious, trying to get through my Anxiety and Phobia workbook.. I am going to start writing daily again and making weekly goals. like I did last year it really seemed to help over time, I just havent decided if I am going to write out my daily life, like I have in the past I would write out pretty much everything that went on in my day... I am not sure I want to write it here.. I will still write most stuff here but my daily life journal I will keep private.. they are kind of boring anyway ;) Alright I need to go occupy myself I am really anxious at this point

Just thoughts

Sometimes I wonder what I must have done in a past life, or even this one to deserve this, I mean I am not the best person but I am also far from the worst, I try and help people and I always hold doors. I guess I just dont understand why it has to be me. Which in itself is selfish because I am not alone in my suffering, there are plenty of people out there who go through this and go through far worse things. I really wonder if sometimes it would be easier to have something psychically wrong with me at least that way there could be a cure or a medicine , or something to help me. I feel so alone sometime and so punished, but for what I don't know. I would give the world just to live my life without so much fear. I want to escape it if only for a day just to know what its like to live a day in someones shoes who can just live, not worrying about what is going to happen, or better yet WHAT IF this happens.... I hate this, I hate what has become of me, I hate what its doing to me all together and I just want it to go away...

its 12:41 AM and I was headed to bed and checked my FB ... and there it was a trigger, probably my biggest one right in front of my eyes, I was so relaxed and ready to fall asleep, instead I am here in tears writing this because I know that sleep isnt going to happen for awhile and I wish I could have just went to bed and left my stupid phone alone :(

Mr.Sandman

Sleep.What a wonderful thing for most people, night time for me, means a struggle to fall asleep, My Significant other asked me last night why I have such a hard time every night falling asleep. I told him you know how your mind shuts off at night and your body relaxes? mine doesn't do that, my mind goes 24/7 there is never one point where it shuts off, not even to fall asleep, and my thoughts and fears are what keep me awake, I try and focus on the positive things and some nights its easier than others, its like fighting something that only exists in my mind, no one can help me beat it, I have to do it on my own. I do always finally fall asleep, I never remember what I am doing right before hand but I always do fall asleep there has never been a night where I had to stay up all night because the thoughts were too much, and for that I am thankful, it may not be a HUGE success but its a small one.

What is Anxiety and Panic?

I guess that most people experience it at some time in their life, probably more frequently than they notice.. for me it happens daily. Anxiety is something we all have to deal with, our body and our mind cope with it, I do not, my anxiety turns into full on panic, and panic is no fun, its losing total control of myself, I lost sight of whats right and wrong and even what is harmful and what is not, its like a temporary out of body experience , you are just not yourself , Attacks are usually for me graded in stages, 1-5.... I have learned to talk myself down at about a stage 4, 5 don't happen to often anymore than I thank god for, the 5's are the unbearable ones , where I am sure nothing will ever be the same again.

Ive been in and out of counseling since I was 16 years old. I would like to say that some of it has helped , but to honest none of it has, it always seemed the therapists I would work with had little knowledge on the disorder, which is surprising since its such a common one. The Medication is what does it for me... the sedatives and my "safe" people.

I have specific fears that trigger any anxiety and panic and I need to learn to cope and deal and even face those before I ever have a chance of overcoming this, However I feel my fear is too strong to challenge, even though I know that's never true.

My fear: Death, how do you face it? You can't I fear something that is inevitable , that is the hardest part of all of it for me, is that the one thing I fear I cannot change, and I cannot avoid.. There major triggers however, that are hard for me to even type out without get anxious about them, so I am going to choose not to do so right now. I promise in time I will get around to telling everyone what they are...

I am going to leave this where it is for now and tomorrow I am going to post the story of where it all start 10 long years ago