New Layout!!

Isnt it pretty!?!? :) I got a disney ticker on here too, now you too know how long before I have brave driving 17 hours, or rather riding I am not driving at all :) I upgraded our resort today I just cant do Value resort its not for me... I also upgraded BIL and SILs , I will be paying the 250 for their upgrade as well, I figure...for 250 dollars for a week a bigger room and better transportation, I would be a fool not to...!!

Today I ventured to the bank and to subway ( all in my safe radius) I did cheat with subway and called ahead and ordered to avoid the lunchtime subway line... I didnt even get anxious and this was pre vitamin taking too!!! big step... Anyways, today I feel optimistic, its been awhile since I've felt hopeful, its a nice change for me, Since I am a negative person by nature, or as a therapist once told me, I was that way by choice, either way , its who I am.. Today I feel like I will be alright and I will get through this, like I have before, and I credit a lot of that , to this Panic attacks workbook, I cannot tell you how much it has helped me. It really shines a new light on panic disorder, and understandable mangagable point of view, that panic is nothing more than a mindset, its not dangerous.. I really hope to find a therapist that knows a thing or two about anxiety, it seems every one I have had so far has known so little, the last one told me I wasnt agoraphobic, because I didnt fear when her office door was closed?? Which I knew was very untrue.. so I am hoping to be able to find one that has dealt with Panic disorder before and knows the ins and outs of it :)

I have been on the phone with Disney for an hour now by the way.grrrr..!!

New Fears, Old Fears, Strange Fears.

Just thinking about my disorder... I strongly believe that I had overcome it, that I had it under complete control...... Until that damn bee sting.. Because my FEAR used to be fainting, and that came from the first incident when I was 16.... I still to this day HAVE that fear... but I don't think its any longer my MAIN fear, I think my new main fear is not being able to swallow because when I got stung by the bee I was fine, until the panic took over me and all the sudden I went to "what if" I am allergic, or what if something happens to me.... because I literally FELT like I couldnt swallow, I now know that was all the panic .. then it seemed so real and like it was really happening, so maybe I hadnt overcome it entirely, maybe thats why it came back when something triggered it, but boy these last two years were amazing!!! So here I am , with not only the fear of fainting but tack on the fear of not being able to swallow, and viola, panic disorder comes back, worse than its been in 9 years, besides when I was younger, maybe even not then, this is the worst I can EVER remember it being, this is the most house bound Ive ever been, but then again I didnt drive back then, so I didnt really have the fear of driving .... I did have the fear of driving because I didnt get my license, but I was never this HOUSE BOUND ... I guess the agoraphobia has really just taken over this time.

Its 1150 AM , My time and I need to go to the grocery store 6-7 minutes away, do you know what I wouldn't give for that not to be a HUGE deal.

Par for the Course

Ahh. How I wish I could not worry if even for a day. Its like worrying about things,especially things I cannot change, it comsumes my entire day. Today its worrying about my kids and if they have anxiety and or some other issues, I am unsure what to think and what to make of all my stupid thoughts, I wish I could let things play out the way they were meant to be, they will anyway, so why spend my life worrying about them. It surely wont change the outcome, just make me a little crazier....

I went to subway today, did amazing in the 20 minute line and about 1 minute away from home I got super anxious and started to PANIC , I havent actually PANICED in awhile, Thankfully I was only 1 minute away from home and got home quickly and it subsided. I really am looking forward to the day when driving isnt a HUGE deal again,when I can take my son to speech therapy again, I am sure she wonders why I havent been there and his father has . I kind of want to write her a letter and tell her everything, at least that way maybe just maybe she would understand a little better or maybe just not judge me for not being there.. I was taking him to every appt at first, before all this crap happened at least. I just want to be a good mother, It should only matter that I am in the eyes of my children, but I still don't want to be judged for what I cannot do instead applauded for the things I have overcome just to be a mother. Either way life is life I have to accept that other people won't always agree or see things my way.

D is doing a 16 hour day, I will be here for, 16 hours alone..I am so dreading it, P is the only one with school tomorrow as well, the babies will be here and just me... Ill get through it I always do.

I am a mess!!!

Its 1248 AM and I am an absolute wreck, I ended up giving in and taking my meds in hopes that I would get some sleep tonight, which sucks because its been since saturday that I had taken anything, so almost a week. but whatever, I have to be up for the day at 7 AM to take care of my kids all day tomorrow, D wont be here at all, so the 12 hours is all mine...

I am anxious.. I am having a hard time and he had to leave for about 30 minutes, which to me seems like an entire eternity :( When he gets home he has to go to sleep ...

Im just a wreck, after my amazing day yesterday I was sure things would be semi back to freaking normal, but instead I have the worst day Ive had in awhile , amazing how this stupid disorder works, I am angry for not being able to control it and not being able to control myself... its not going to get me anywhere but for now its helping...


It all started because the right side of my face feels numb, I am not sure why it has such a strange feeling it in, I know its nothing, its nothing, its nothing..its nothing, I am fine its nothing, I am okay, its nothing... ahh its not working but wishful thinking right?? I could really use a hug...

Its a terrible thing having no control over the way you think and feel.. and to have everyone around you tell you its not that hard, or whats the big deal just relax, I wish sometimes they just understood, that for me....it really isnt just that cut and dry... that if I could relax, than my problems would be gone... ohwell..poor me tonight sorry ;)

Reading about Panic

For me reading about people stories and online and in my workbook, reading about anxiety and panic, actually MAKE me panic, its like when I commit to reading and getting to know more its 2 steps forward for 10 steps back, because it sets me off... I know I am not alone, now more than ever I know that I am not alone.. I feel selfish sometimes when I talk about it like I am the only one suffering or I am the only one struggling when people out there have it way worse , Today was my first "good" day in awhile, I left the house I enjoyed and played with my kids , I cleaned my house, not that you can tell now, but I did it...lol.... I am still overly sad about this issue with my child, but that too shall pass I am cutting ties where ties need to be cut and that should help in the long run ...right now I am still a little bummed. I did get anxious today once that went to stage 2, and that was reading someone elses anxiety story I have a terrible trigger word that we do not even speak in my house and it was in this persons story.. I want to share it with you , I just don't feel that I am ready for whatever reason... :) Tomorrow brings new challenges, Soccer practice 15 minutes away and sunday we are hosting a football party.. So we will see how I get through the busy stressful weekend... at least I will have my "safe person"

Note to self

Mobile posting doesnt work..... lol

This is what those 3 random posts should have said..

Its 341 pm and I've started to get anxious I am here alone with all 3 kids and I think that's the scariest part of all of this :( id give anything to make it all just go away and to be able to be normal or go about my life in a normal way...I am not sure what normal even is or if it even exsits but I am wish I could find out....I want to go lay in bed and play on my phone but I cannot because it needs to stay plugged in :( ahhhh why me...god why me :(



If you have noticed, during my panic, I tend to go all poor me, It really is not how I am usually thinking, but in that frame of mind that is usually where I go.. I wish I instead went to a happy place I am sure that would help me get through it.....

Today was a good day...sadly....what is considered a good day... I took medication around 4 P.M because I just cannot go through it and expect to live my daily life... So I ended it... probably the easiest way out I could have taken... and I am disappointed in myself for that, but by taking the easy way out I got to enjoy my day and my children !!! It was rewarding in its own way...!! I am off to my support boards and to watch T.V...hopefully the rest of the night goes quickly and falling asleep wont be an issue tonight....

Looking Back

I decided to go back and read my journal entries from March 2009, when I was pregnant with chase, it was my anxiety journal, I was off all medication then, and doing very well.. well not very well in normal terms but for me , i was doing excellent even went through a full blown attack without medicating..... It makes me feel sad for regressing as much as I have.. I know that with anxiety and panic that its bound to happen ,I cannot change my disorder, I can only accept and overcome it, just hard to read how far I've fallen.. I went from being able to drive 35 minutes away to having trouble driving 1 minute away.. This too shall pass right???.. at least thats what I am trying to tell myself as I sit here anxious, trying to get through my Anxiety and Phobia workbook.. I am going to start writing daily again and making weekly goals. like I did last year it really seemed to help over time, I just havent decided if I am going to write out my daily life, like I have in the past I would write out pretty much everything that went on in my day... I am not sure I want to write it here.. I will still write most stuff here but my daily life journal I will keep private.. they are kind of boring anyway ;) Alright I need to go occupy myself I am really anxious at this point

A hill any size...

is still a hill...... I decided that saturday night a friends birthday and everyone was going out to dinner!!! It was 45 minutes away, and car rides are hard for me, NOT as hard as driving, but still difficult, I decided to take my medication and ride with an awesome friend, So I did... and the entire drive there I was a terrible mess, I am sure she could somewhat tell, but she kept the conversation going which helped a lot. I got there and I was still a bit of a mess but 20 minutes in I was okay. I WAS OKAY!!!! 45 minutes away from home with no support system, because only one of these women knew about my issue!! The drive home went wonderful, and when I got home I was so so very proud of myself and my small accomplishment, I did it, medicated and not without rocky times or panic, but I DID IT , I went and I enjoyed myself, I didnt let my anxiety rule who I was!!!

Just thoughts

Sometimes I wonder what I must have done in a past life, or even this one to deserve this, I mean I am not the best person but I am also far from the worst, I try and help people and I always hold doors. I guess I just dont understand why it has to be me. Which in itself is selfish because I am not alone in my suffering, there are plenty of people out there who go through this and go through far worse things. I really wonder if sometimes it would be easier to have something psychically wrong with me at least that way there could be a cure or a medicine , or something to help me. I feel so alone sometime and so punished, but for what I don't know. I would give the world just to live my life without so much fear. I want to escape it if only for a day just to know what its like to live a day in someones shoes who can just live, not worrying about what is going to happen, or better yet WHAT IF this happens.... I hate this, I hate what has become of me, I hate what its doing to me all together and I just want it to go away...

its 12:41 AM and I was headed to bed and checked my FB ... and there it was a trigger, probably my biggest one right in front of my eyes, I was so relaxed and ready to fall asleep, instead I am here in tears writing this because I know that sleep isnt going to happen for awhile and I wish I could have just went to bed and left my stupid phone alone :(

The Part That Never Gets Easier

Is letting people down. I have a hard time with cars and since I am in a bad place with my anxiety right now riding in cars or driving to places is especially hard for me. Most of my real life friends have no clue that I even have any kind of disorder and I dont feel comfortable telling them. I am sure they think I am a bad friend, or I just skip things on purpose, truth be told, I would love to do those things and function in a normal setting, but right now its not possible, This morning a friends been asking me for two months to do this thing and I guess its my fault that I keep accepting... and then canceling last minute, its about a half hour away and I cannot see myself riding even just 30 minutes without a safe person with me to at least talk to and let know what is going on in case something happens... Another friend is having a birthday party this weekend, its 45 minutes away and I would have to drive it , I OF COURSE, accepted the invitation. I guess the hope was that maybe I could do it. Maybe accepting meant that I was hoping for a better outcome and I end up letting people down. I expect to lose friends over all of it, in the course of time I have, The important ones , always stuck around though.

Mr.Sandman

Sleep.What a wonderful thing for most people, night time for me, means a struggle to fall asleep, My Significant other asked me last night why I have such a hard time every night falling asleep. I told him you know how your mind shuts off at night and your body relaxes? mine doesn't do that, my mind goes 24/7 there is never one point where it shuts off, not even to fall asleep, and my thoughts and fears are what keep me awake, I try and focus on the positive things and some nights its easier than others, its like fighting something that only exists in my mind, no one can help me beat it, I have to do it on my own. I do always finally fall asleep, I never remember what I am doing right before hand but I always do fall asleep there has never been a night where I had to stay up all night because the thoughts were too much, and for that I am thankful, it may not be a HUGE success but its a small one.

What is Anxiety and Panic?

I guess that most people experience it at some time in their life, probably more frequently than they notice.. for me it happens daily. Anxiety is something we all have to deal with, our body and our mind cope with it, I do not, my anxiety turns into full on panic, and panic is no fun, its losing total control of myself, I lost sight of whats right and wrong and even what is harmful and what is not, its like a temporary out of body experience , you are just not yourself , Attacks are usually for me graded in stages, 1-5.... I have learned to talk myself down at about a stage 4, 5 don't happen to often anymore than I thank god for, the 5's are the unbearable ones , where I am sure nothing will ever be the same again.

Ive been in and out of counseling since I was 16 years old. I would like to say that some of it has helped , but to honest none of it has, it always seemed the therapists I would work with had little knowledge on the disorder, which is surprising since its such a common one. The Medication is what does it for me... the sedatives and my "safe" people.

I have specific fears that trigger any anxiety and panic and I need to learn to cope and deal and even face those before I ever have a chance of overcoming this, However I feel my fear is too strong to challenge, even though I know that's never true.

My fear: Death, how do you face it? You can't I fear something that is inevitable , that is the hardest part of all of it for me, is that the one thing I fear I cannot change, and I cannot avoid.. There major triggers however, that are hard for me to even type out without get anxious about them, so I am going to choose not to do so right now. I promise in time I will get around to telling everyone what they are...

I am going to leave this where it is for now and tomorrow I am going to post the story of where it all start 10 long years ago

For Me

I am making this blog mainly for myself. I need a place to get it all out...and if I help someone along the way then even better.

I am 25 years old. I have 3 children, and life is great, I am living the American dream. At least thats what it looks like from your point of view, what mostly everyone doesnt know is that since I was 15 years old, Ive been struggling with Panic/Anxiety with a Touch of agoraphobia when things get really bad. Thats 10 years. I can remember times when things were good, I can remember when things were great and I thought I had beaten it.. and I can remember times when it came back 10x worse than what it was. I am at one of those points in my life right now. I had been off all medication Since October 2008.. until this september. I really want to dig deep within myself and write it all out where it all started when I was 15 and where I am now and what my triggers are and what makes daily life such a struggle for me. For now I am going to leave it at this. I need to figure a few more things out about this whole blogging thing. I do plan to write out the attacks and the success, I need a place for myself, to know that its not always terrible, that I have a life worth fighting for, and worth getting back from this terrible disorder.