Quick Note....

That I have not left the house alone or driven since over a week ago :( How bad is that?? I need to get out there and do it but yeah no happening.. I left with my safe person this weekend a bunch of times, but not alone.. yikes, this is only going to get worse if I baby it.

And I am back...same day later...

If you remember last time I went to the grocery store I panicked, I have not left the house alone since. I can imagine that when I do it will not be pleasant for me :(  ...o and I still have NOT picked up in my Panic attacks workbook, the exposure therapy, Hopefully next week when D is on a more normal work schedule it will make it easier :)

I did however go to walmart with my safe person and christmas shop this Saturday, twice and kmart, also twice ..without having to take anything, so in my book I did pretty well ...I honestly think the thing I fear the most, is the fear itself..that and death...but I honestly fear having a panic attack more than I fear any other one thing, and knowing its not dangerous or harmful, doesn't ease the fear any, I think the people around me are starting to get frustrated with my agoraphobia, I used to be the type of person that would get up and go to the store for myself, and I am not anymore, I wont do much of anything outside this house alone...

On a happier note, I am done christmas shopping for all 3 of  my children, just gotta do stockings and we are done, I cannot wait to wrap, wrapping is one of the best parts of christmas !!!

Jesus Take The Wheel

Oh man, what a week, what a weekend, what a year for that matter. Failure, its one thing to let myself down, but to have to let everyone else down and have to explain it, I think thats the hardest part of it all,or having someone not be as supportive as I'd like when  I do fail.. It's hard and makes me feel even less hopeless and even more like I can't do it anymore.... I want to get better I do, but it seems like such a small issue in the grand scheme of things, I mean sure my panic disorder sucks, in fact its the hardest thing I've ever been through in both childhood and my adult life, but really in the bigger picture it seems so unimportant.. There are some things that just matter more like family and friends, and love..and I wish that were enough of a realization to overcome it all, not just panic disorder but all lifes hardships, I know in the end everything always works out the way it should, but why does the road there have to be so bumpy, some say it helps you appreciate the good times more, I don't believe that , I believe good times as just as good with a smooth journey there. I just pray for the strength and patience to get through this hard time, and maybe for the support and understanding of those I love...

Babies are awake from nap..

Weekends are exhausting

and ive had 0 time to post anything, I have a lot to say, I just am about to fall asleep onto the keyboard.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Thanksgiving!!!

Ohh Thanksgiving!!! I decided to take .5 MGs of klonopin before we went to dinner at my brothers. I think it was a mistake, I believe I would have gotten through it without the meds but now I will never ever know.. I havne't taken it since November 7th, so it was about 3 weeks... but man o man the days  I do take it , I feel like I can take over the world,its so nice to have those anxiety panic free days, much deserved I might add. Thanksgiving was good, food was yummy.

I decided to reward myself for having a good day by having an adult night, D and I went this his best friends girlfriends house and played poker with 2 other couples, and drank some wine....Now comes the scary part, I had a lot of wine and some champagne, I won't lie about it, A LOT... I didnt feel too bad...until we left to go home, the cold air hit me and holy crap, I remember some of the ride home and then going to bed and getting changed, I lost that entire time, I have NO recollection of it whatsoever, which I am sure has to do with mixing the medication and the alcohol, but I have been racking my brain trying to get that time back and its gone.. I asked D everything that happened and he told me, But its scary to just completely not remember it . I will no longer be mixing my medication with alcohol, even if its just wine...

Overall it was memorable and I have no idea why I dreaded it..... Right now I am at a cross road between making the decision to stay medicated, knowing that eventually I will wean myself off, I always do, I always have periods where I do not take it at all, or just quitting it now.. I hate relying on it, but its so very helpful, it makes my life bearable and I can be happy.. I am so confused.

What a difference a year makes :(

Its hard to believe that 1 year ago today I hosted thanksgiving without a hitch went out at 4 AM to target to shop for black Friday.. stood in like for 3 hours total... I did get anxious but was able to stay....and here I am now, not hosting this year, and having to go somewhere and terrified to be in a house with a lot of people and away from home, I am really debating taking meds for this day, only because I want to enjoy it and not be anxious the entire time, I haven't taken meds, in 3 weeks... Sigh.. No clue what to do.


I am going to my brothers house, I actually asked not to host this year and I am glad in a sense I did, D is working doubles and I don't have time to prepare everything  or clean my house to get ready...but still there will be my brothers girlfriends family as well, makes for a lot of people, I had trouble at our football party with a lot of people and I was home.. I am just scared , I will have my safe person, so I shouldn't be... I am condemning myself to failure before I've even tried !!

I miss..

a time when I was less likely to snap so easily, a time when I was less angry at everyone , a time when I was a more patient mother, a time when I didn't have to give myself a pep talk , just to go grocery shopping , I miss a time where I made getting dressed daily more of a priority, I miss a time where I didnt envy people for being happy or for not having the issues I do, I miss a time when I was kinder because I had less going on in my own life, I miss a time when I didn't have to be taken care of and a time when I was easy to get a long with, a miss a time when my anxiety was something I thought I had overcome...Mostly I just miss myself :(

Being alone...

makes me very anxious... I am here for another hour by myself, Ds at work, and all three kids are at school ... I know what it is about being alone that terrifies me. I just wish that it didn't !!! I still havent started the exposure therapy..I was going to last night, but reading that book before bed is like watching the scariest movie ever, before bed. I probably wont start it tomorrow either to be honest...

I was thinking last night that I remember in 2009, I couldnt drive to the mall, I remember taking back roads so that if I had to escape to turn around I could..now in 2010, I was driving much farther distances than the mall...I keep telling myself that I will get back to the point, I have to get back to the point right?

Monday..gag...

I really do hate Mondays, and this week D is pulling doubles, so I double hate Monday this week :)

Anyways the weekend was kind of uneventful, I did manage a Kmart and a Walmart trip with D ( my safe person) Its amazing what a different a person can make in your ability to do things, but I havent been out alone since the attack on friday... I was remembering a time when walmart wasnt so scary... its rough to look back to the easier times and hard to hold onto hope that one day it will be easy again... I got to part 3 in my Panic attacks workbook, where I am actually supposed to start exposure therapy, I have yet to start reading it or doing this part, I want to wait till I feel I am 100 percent ready,I am also going to start exposure therapy without a safe person, because I feel I can do pretty much anything with him, its without him I am having issues...

One thing I am supposed to do , is to pick people ,friends or family, close to me and tell them what I am going through. I am NOT ready for that, but I have two people in mind that I would love to share with.. I have shared this blog site with 2 friends, the 2 I felt would be unlikely to judge me and think differently of me, other than that..My panic disorder is for the most part a complete secret from my friends, D knows of course, but he doesnt know about my blog site,for I fear my inner most thoughts are too much for even him sometimes. I really want to share with these two people and maybe it would be easier if that sharing didn't have to be done face to face, but thats how this book would like me to approach it...

better late than never right?

Self assesment...

This is long, so you might not read it, I am going to take this same test in 3 months and see where I am... this is for me... :)

On the overall affectedness scale you are probably anxious and or depressed much of the time. More than likely it is hard for you to enjoy life on any consistent level. You are always second-guessing yourself and the world around you. You are over thinking and obsessing and you hardly ever experience peace of mind. You’re often fearful, worrisome, and unhappy. You don’t like being this way but you don’t know what to do to change. Things are too much work and no one understands the way you feel. You go from worry to depression, to worry again, wearing yourself out with your thoughts and what if thinking. You probably hate yourself much of the time for being so miserable to be around and yet you can’t seem to find comfort when you’re alone. Nothing makes you feel safe or happy, and life is just one big struggle. Please, get help. You can be happy and confident again. You just need a clear plan of action and the right tools.


Agoraphobic Feelings: You are an extreme worrier and catastrophizer. You are constantly evaluating your situation and anticipating potential for danger or embarrassment. You have allowed your worry and anticipation of bad things happening to control your life. You avoid doing certain things that could make you anxious and uncomfortable. You make excuses to your family and friends about why you can’t do things and go certain places. Possibly you have created a safe area and comfortable boundaries in your life. Possibly you feel safe at home, or you have limited your travel to a certain place or distance. There might be places you will go and places you won’t go, things you will do and things you won’t do. Your life has become very limited and you make decisions based in fear. You are probably holding yourself back from some wonderful life experiences because of your fears. You worry that you will panic, die, choke, faint, lose your mind, or embarrass yourself in front of someone in situations or places that make you uncomfortable. This level of agoraphobia (anxiety and avoidance) is confining and controlling and greatly affects the quality of your life. You possibly avoid shopping, driving, or socializing on some level. You also probably avoid any travel that threatens your sense of control, such as buses trains, airplanes, etc. You make plans around your fears. You won’t go unless there is a private restroom close by, you won’t go unless you can sit by the door, you won’t go unless you can drive…and often you simply just won’t go because you don’t want to feel those anxious body feelings.


General Anxiety: You are an intense person who constantly feels on edge. You worry and anticipate about things in your life on an ongoing basis. You are often in a sensitized state. This means you are extremely sensitive to lights, sounds, and your surroundings. You probably have an anger problem and might even struggle with explosive outbursts. You feel like a car in high gear with the brakes on, you are all wound up with nowhere to go. Your mind races with a thousand reasons why you should worry. Physically you may experience intense inner nervousness, shallow breathing and sighing, upset stomach, headache, muscle tension, and even rapid heart beat. Probably you are someone who worries about your health. Do you have a disease; are you having a heart attack? You anticipate situations that you are concerned about for days, if not weeks in advance. These situations could include health tests or exams, travel plans, social or professional events or pressures. You have an extremely difficult time relaxing and might sometimes use alcohol or medications to help you calm down. You envy people who are relaxed and happy because both these traits seem to elude you.


Panic: You are an over reactor who is often in a state of alert. You create panic in your body and in your life by an unconscious choice you make to overreact. When you do this you release certain body chemicals such as adrenalin that actually make you more anxious and create panic feelings. Your heart pounds, your breathing becomes difficult and shallow, you feel spacey, you begin to sweat, and your mind begins the what-if fearful thoughts. If your in a car you worry about losing control while driving, if your in crowd you worry about being trapped or doing something foolish, if you’re up high on a balcony you may worry about falling…or worse yet, jumping! Your mind is racing now. You know you’re going to die or lose control. You need to get out. You need to breath. You need to go somewhere safe…but where? You are in a full blown panic attack. It is frightening and overwhelming. Nothing matters but feeling in control again. Possibly you run to the emergency room, to your family doctor, or to a therapist. Possibly you take medication. If you suffer with panic attacks control is important to you. You want to know how long, how far, and how many people will be there. You need to feel safe and in control at all times. You live with a constant fear of panic attacks. Sometimes you panic for no real reason. Other times you may avoid places and activities that have caused panic attacks before. You may plan your life around anticipation and avoidance of future attacks. Panic attacks are horrifying. You are convinced you are dying, losing your mind, or losing control in some way.

Take 2

This is the second attempt at this post, this first time around C1 ( my 2 yr old unplugged my computer and I lost it all.... So Take 2!!

today I had to go to the grocery store, and I was so hopeful and optimistic that i debated going on the highway to the store in the next town , but I did not for 2 reasons. 1, I didnt have a lot of time, and 2 maybe it was too big of a store to conquer just yet..

I went to a store about 5-7 minutes away depending on lights, I did okay, mid way through I got anxious but it went , I actually did the line check out instead of self check out, I always do self to keep myself busy, the guy who got behind me had an oxygen tank, go figure right, I do okay, I am walking out and get very anxious as my foot feels numb, being numb is a huge trigger for me... I know I will be fine once I start to load the car up, and I was , I start to leave and I swear it hit me like a ton of bricks, I had started to panic, as bad as its gotten in awhile...Id say I was full on panic by the time i got to the arbys drive thru, which I decided to stop despite the hard time I was having.. I got through it but I remember thinking about death and dying, and fainting and all the sudden I look down and there is a cut on my finger and that freaks me out apparently, I get to the drive thru and have to wait in a line and I do not have my phone, I have Ds phone, so I cannot call my safe person, I had not taken my vitamin, I had no gum and no water ( until after the drive thru guy handed me my water) I was without all my support people and objects, which is a good thing for long term recovery, but a bad thing for my mindset right then and there. I get back out on the road and get stuck at a light, I feel light headed and dizzy and I stop to think about my breathing and how thats probably causing it, it didnt help at all :( I thought maybe it would, I tried to calm myself down, but I ended up arguing with my thoughts and getting no where, back on the road, the car in front of me went 10 below the speed limit... I get home the literally the moment I get out of the car, I was alright... I just wish my mind would stop doing this to me, I shouldnt act or talk like a victim in the situation but I cant help it right now, I had finally been able to go to the store ..without worry and now I will worry about even driving those 5-7 minutes away now... depressing..discouraging.devastating ..

I got home and took my vitamin and I am okay now... Ive been okay since almost the moment I walked in, I did take a 30 minute cat nap , because I was very light headed, I am sure it had to do with my low blood sugar and the fact that I am getting sick, and not fainting like I like to jump to.

My kids are driving me batty today , I am sure the high stress has something to do with my recent issues. ( just hit save c1 is by the plug) I need a break from my life for a little bit, my kids fight with each other non stop and scream non stop, I just need a slow down for a little bit, to breathe...

Anyways , I hope everyone has a great weekend.. I have no plans.. I look forward to doing nothing.

New Layout!!

Isnt it pretty!?!? :) I got a disney ticker on here too, now you too know how long before I have brave driving 17 hours, or rather riding I am not driving at all :) I upgraded our resort today I just cant do Value resort its not for me... I also upgraded BIL and SILs , I will be paying the 250 for their upgrade as well, I figure...for 250 dollars for a week a bigger room and better transportation, I would be a fool not to...!!

Today I ventured to the bank and to subway ( all in my safe radius) I did cheat with subway and called ahead and ordered to avoid the lunchtime subway line... I didnt even get anxious and this was pre vitamin taking too!!! big step... Anyways, today I feel optimistic, its been awhile since I've felt hopeful, its a nice change for me, Since I am a negative person by nature, or as a therapist once told me, I was that way by choice, either way , its who I am.. Today I feel like I will be alright and I will get through this, like I have before, and I credit a lot of that , to this Panic attacks workbook, I cannot tell you how much it has helped me. It really shines a new light on panic disorder, and understandable mangagable point of view, that panic is nothing more than a mindset, its not dangerous.. I really hope to find a therapist that knows a thing or two about anxiety, it seems every one I have had so far has known so little, the last one told me I wasnt agoraphobic, because I didnt fear when her office door was closed?? Which I knew was very untrue.. so I am hoping to be able to find one that has dealt with Panic disorder before and knows the ins and outs of it :)

I have been on the phone with Disney for an hour now by the way.grrrr..!!

Somethings Off...

I can't explain it, but something doesn't feel right, I am overly anxious today, I am literally on edge and I have no clue why :( I havent picked up my book in days and I do mean days... I wish I were better at this, I mean to recover I have to be willing to try and face it , instead I only face it when it gets bad, otherwise..I let it go.... to get better that has to stop, tonight I will finish chapter 6 and go onto chapter 7, so far its been very helpful...Well kind of, I mean I havent driven out of my safe zone since a week and 2 days ago, but for the most part its working, its going to be getting cold out ...hopefully I can try and make a simple trip to the next road over like 5 minutes on the highway before it starts snowing...

anyways I hope everyone else is well, I am waiting for all the kids to get home from school, maybe thats the issue is that I am completely alone and that terrifies me?? I have no clue.. But I am overly happy about my insurance kicking in Jan 1st...This way I can get with someone and talk it out and hopefully do CBT therapy and end this.. I am going to be adding a ticker here , when I figure out how.. I am pretty good with computers but this new blogger template setup, has thrown me for a loop!! The ticker will be for our Disney trip, because I have to sit i n a car for 17 hours to disney.. with the kids..we debating flying but I believe driving will be easier on me, even if it takes about 15 hours more!!!

.........

This post lacks a title, because I cannot come up with one that fits, its been a few days since ive posted. I did end up going to the grocery store alone and did well, I also then went to my sons soccer game and did not take my medicine and did fine.. I went bowling that night and kind of started to freak out when I saw all the cars in the parking lot.. I was anxious for a bit,but in the end all was well...

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night very anxious, anxious as I've been in awhile, I was on the verge of a panic attack. Before bed we watched this show on T.V and one of the characters ends up with a brain tumor and needs surgery... this freaks me out, I am sure there is an underlying issue as of why, not just that I have medical anxiety, well I had a dream at night about it and woke up anxious.. it was terrible.. Night time is always worse for me as it is... I got over it and went back to bed , I will leave the gross details out :)

Lately I've been very depressed...Everyone wants to know how its possible to feel so alone surrounded by so many people? I have no idea, but I have never felt so alone, so isolated, so disconnected, its taking a toll on my personal relationships for sure.. I feel somehow I've felt this way for awhile but the anxiety and or depression is making it worse, like I've always felt alone and unappreciated, but its like its under a magnifying glass now ... a small problem has become a much larger one, and I have no clue how to solve or even approach any of it..What I do know is that if I or the people I love don't come to a conclusion soon its going to end very badly.

I hope everyone else had a wonderful weekend... I usually dislike Mondays, today...I kind of welcome D going back to work...sad right?

I hope you Dance

Hooray !!!! we sold my car today, it is gone and back to two payments, which is amazing, even if I was really looking forward to only having one for awhile :)

Today I went grocery shopping alone and unmediated, I did fairly well, considering the grocery store is just outside my safe zone, so not a huge achievement but still keeps my hopeful. I am learning in my workbook to tell myself that my panic attacks are not dangerous, while uncomfortable, they cannot harm me, that I am merely scared and not in danger. It seemed to have helped today when thinking of things that could happen or might happen, I tried to tell myself you are only scared , you are not in danger . I did okay, not great, not terrible. This workbook is also teaching me what causes my attacks and what to do when I feel one coming on, I have also learned that what I thought I feared the most was fainting and while it is a very strong fear, what I fear the most is having a panic attack, and thats why I start to become agoraphobia not to avoid fainting because Ive never fainted, but to avoid the actual panic itself. So on the way home from the grocery store the Faith Hill song came on, the one that goes, When you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance, nothing in the world could have been more fitting at the time, I was thinking about all the things I had missed out on recently because I was afraid, that is NO way to life your life, scared ,isolated and alone, I told myself that I would start trying, that I was going to try and start living life, with anxiety and panic or course , but to try and rid myself of the fear !!!


I hope everyone has an amazing weekend, P has a soccer game and I am going to not medicate myself this week, because I don't need it, its only making things worse for me, what am I actually medicating the fear, why when the fear is not dangerous ??? I am then going bowling with D and his friend and his friends girlfriend and P, C1 and C2 are staying in... :) I will let you all know if I survived the weekend !!


ETA- I havent had an actual full blown panic attack, since September 18th, but I have avoided things to prevent them.. .. This is actually for my own records and a random fact for you..lol

Giving Back

I am sitting here thinking, have I ever really given back, I mean if I meant in a loving caring way, then yes sure, but material wise, I do not believe that I ever have. I hate to sit here and think about all the times I've wanted to and never got around to it, I mean shouldn't I make time for things like that, Yes I should, but never have :( It saddens me to realize while I've always meant to donate old coats, or give to toys for tots,send a package overseas, I've never actually done any of those things. I've given away baby clothes instead of selling them, but I never really donated to food drives,put something in the boxes at the grocery stores when they are collecting, I am more than sure I can afford to and my family would not go without. I think this makes me a very selfish person. I hope that this year it won't be like that, I am going grocery shopping tomorrow and I am going to put something in that box and see if P's school is still collecting can goods, so many people are going without this holiday season, so think back on your own life and ask yourself , have you ever given back?

Slacker

Thats me, I have been slacking, either that or just busy or lazy.

Well we sold my car, tentatively, Supposed to go pay it off friday morning, so cross fingers and prayers all goes smoothly, that takes a big huge weight off of me...!!!

Also found out today that D can carry me on his insurance, they approved it, just gotta send in the dependant verification forms and then as of the first of the year I will be covered, and after a year and a half of being uninsured its welcome, I am not sure how so many Americans go uninsured, I haven't been to the Dr since my 6 week check up from having c2... so HOORAY!!

Its been a week of very good news... and much welcomed and needed good news.

now onto Tuesday and Wednesday..


Tuesday- We went out to lunch at a restaurant about 6 -10 minutes away, I went and didn't medicate , I did have a drink when we got there, though it didn't really help, I did amazingly well for not taking anything...Tuesday night was the first night in awhile that I was anxious at bed time and had a hard time falling asleep, I am exhausted today from it, So I am hoping I have a better night tonight.

Wednesday- which is today, I realized that in my new panic attacks workbook, I had only read/done 2 chapters, so I picked the book at nap time, and I have one page of chapter 5 left, so I am making okay progress with it, If you suffer from panic disorder, its an amazing book, that really puts things into perspective and easy to relate to , I think thats the problem with many self help books out there for anxiety , is that they are not written for people like you and me, while informative, very hard to follow and lose yourself in. This book has some good exercises so far that make you dig deep within the attacks and deep within your thoughts to help you realize what is really going on with your body and how what is going on is NOT dangerous, I am really enjoying it and I hope to learn a lot from it. I don't expect recovery to come overnight, I am in this for the long haul though....

So anyway I have been doing fairly well, I am going bowling this weekend, with my P and D's best friend his girlfriend and their kids.. We will see how that goes.. On a saturday night at a bowling alley...... Saturday , P also has another game, I am debating medicating this time around or not, I am unsure of what Id like to do this time.. I mean if I did medicate I would take .5 MG instead of 1mg!!!

One last thing, thoughts are with K, today who also suffers from panic disorder, she is getting on a plane and flying, I know you can do it , my prayers and well wishes are with you, You'll get through it.

Boiling Point

What an emotional stressful day its been.... I am not sure that my anxiety had time to come through with all the anger I've felt today... I guess I get tired of being all things to all people,and when it comes to me, I feel that I don't even deserve the slightest of considerations. It all came to a head today and I lost it,maybe on the wrong person and or people, but non the less justified. I am that type of person that holds it in, very unhealthy, but then I reach a point where I've held it in so long that I explode on the nearest person,or in this case people, and then you realize that you've burned bridges that you wished you hadn't.

I surely cannot handle more on my plate than I have now, I am tired of being the person that takes care of everything, and I do mean everything, I worry about everything , so no one else has to, but I am only human , I can only handle so much before I snap... I swear I've cried a good part of the day, screamed through some of it was angry through all of it... I need a break from it all, just to collect my thoughts and be ME again, I get so lost in taking care of everyone else and being all things to all people, that I forget who I am.. I think its my main issue right now, I've lost myself, I mean who am I, I am a girlfriend , I am a mother , I am a daughter a Sister, a friend.. but beyond that, who am I to myself? I haven't a clue anymore.


I am sitting here writing this and I forgot about a commitment I had made last night...I didn't attend and it totally slipped my mind, it was something I was looking forward to , and now of course I am overly bummed about that....Ahh 2011 will be a better year it has to be!

Weekend...

I am sure that you have noticed that I dont write too much on the weekends, I am usually busier than the weekdays!!

Saturday- I had a lot to do , Soccer Game, Mall, Birthday Party... I decided at 9 AM, I would take 1 MG klonopin, because I wanted to enjoy the day not be anxious for all of it... My safe person was with me at the game and at the mall, and it went off without a hitch I didnt feel a bit anxious the entire time I was either place. I hate that Ill never know if it was me or the meds, I must say that the meds dont always 100 percent work... So I will credit to both the meds and myself... The birthday party I decided to attend alone, with 2 of my children, I drove there, on the high way and even managed to get lost twice, I did get anxious a very very little bit at the party but it was nothing I couldn't handle.... It was around 4 PM, so the meds had more than worn off by this point, at least thats what I am telling myself ;) but I got through it highway , getting lost and party without my safe person, I have to mention this is the same exact highway I was on when the attack on September 17th happened, I never ever travel this way on the highway ... well I can remember three times in the past year, Once to my sons baseball game and once when the attack happened and yesterday... So I did very very well all things considered. I was overly proud of myself that day...

Sunday- We had people over for dinner, I did not medicate this day , I didnt see a point, I got anxious when they got here for a brief period of time, but that subsided, sunday was a pretty laid back day minus all the crazy cooking I had to do, I made BBQ ribs, Homemade mac and cheese and baked potatoes...Yumm.. Only I dont eat ribs....

and then there is today, I am really down today , I am sure its PMS, but I am depressed today , I honestly think there is more going on in my personal life then I would like to admit... Maybe the suppressed feelings have a little do with the anxiety or maybe not, I am not sure I will ever know. ( I had to stop blogging to go and scrub orange pop that C2 had exploded all over my WHITE carpet) I got almost all of it out though thank goodness. Now they are down for nap, which means I get to go clean my house...

UPS brough me a package =)

Look what came in the mail today... I am excited to start it when the kids go to bed.... I hear good things about it and I can only hope its the answer to my prayers, I wanted to start it the moment I got it, but it says do not start a chapter you dont have time to finish do not skim, there are parts that will make you anxious and if you skim you wont get to the parts that show you how to get through it.. So when the kids go to bed, I am going to tackle Chapter 1.

Grocery store today ... I took D with me, I couldnt do it alone, he drove and I still melted down on the way.. he however made me finish what I started, he use to enable me, until my psychologist said he was an enabler..lol.. I kind of miss the old days where he just accepted it and did what I said. I live through it , with NO gum and nothing to drink, I never panic only got anxious and cried a couple times, but I still went, its step 1...

I usually host thanksgiving this year I asked someone else to , what the hell was I thinking?? I have a hard time even leaving the house right now, why would I do that??? well whats done is done and I have to spend thanksgiving away from home, we shall see how this goes...

P has a soccer game and soccer pictures tomorrow and then to the mall afterward to get him some new jeans, he ruins his jeans so quickly, sort of frustrating.. but I have a soccer game , and the MALL, I am pretty sure this is every person with Panic disorders nightmare.. I am going to take my medication, because tomorrow isn't about me or my recovery on my own terms, its about my son.

New Fears, Old Fears, Strange Fears.

Just thinking about my disorder... I strongly believe that I had overcome it, that I had it under complete control...... Until that damn bee sting.. Because my FEAR used to be fainting, and that came from the first incident when I was 16.... I still to this day HAVE that fear... but I don't think its any longer my MAIN fear, I think my new main fear is not being able to swallow because when I got stung by the bee I was fine, until the panic took over me and all the sudden I went to "what if" I am allergic, or what if something happens to me.... because I literally FELT like I couldnt swallow, I now know that was all the panic .. then it seemed so real and like it was really happening, so maybe I hadnt overcome it entirely, maybe thats why it came back when something triggered it, but boy these last two years were amazing!!! So here I am , with not only the fear of fainting but tack on the fear of not being able to swallow, and viola, panic disorder comes back, worse than its been in 9 years, besides when I was younger, maybe even not then, this is the worst I can EVER remember it being, this is the most house bound Ive ever been, but then again I didnt drive back then, so I didnt really have the fear of driving .... I did have the fear of driving because I didnt get my license, but I was never this HOUSE BOUND ... I guess the agoraphobia has really just taken over this time.

Its 1150 AM , My time and I need to go to the grocery store 6-7 minutes away, do you know what I wouldn't give for that not to be a HUGE deal.

:)

It just feels good to smile tonight... ;)

Par for the Course

Ahh. How I wish I could not worry if even for a day. Its like worrying about things,especially things I cannot change, it comsumes my entire day. Today its worrying about my kids and if they have anxiety and or some other issues, I am unsure what to think and what to make of all my stupid thoughts, I wish I could let things play out the way they were meant to be, they will anyway, so why spend my life worrying about them. It surely wont change the outcome, just make me a little crazier....

I went to subway today, did amazing in the 20 minute line and about 1 minute away from home I got super anxious and started to PANIC , I havent actually PANICED in awhile, Thankfully I was only 1 minute away from home and got home quickly and it subsided. I really am looking forward to the day when driving isnt a HUGE deal again,when I can take my son to speech therapy again, I am sure she wonders why I havent been there and his father has . I kind of want to write her a letter and tell her everything, at least that way maybe just maybe she would understand a little better or maybe just not judge me for not being there.. I was taking him to every appt at first, before all this crap happened at least. I just want to be a good mother, It should only matter that I am in the eyes of my children, but I still don't want to be judged for what I cannot do instead applauded for the things I have overcome just to be a mother. Either way life is life I have to accept that other people won't always agree or see things my way.

D is doing a 16 hour day, I will be here for, 16 hours alone..I am so dreading it, P is the only one with school tomorrow as well, the babies will be here and just me... Ill get through it I always do.

Can't win them all

I went to the bank today, and of course after my semi awesome day yesterday today was a mess of a drive, I didnt panic per say but I was scared I was going to the entire time... I forgot to take my vitamin. Its amazing what a difference a darn vitamin can make.. I have since taken it, and the day is shaky the first shaky day I've had since 2 weeks ago..At least they arent daily, I am sure my anxiety has a little to do with all the caffeine in the chocolate ive been eating , I except chocolate have cut caffeine out of my diet 100 % ... I am going to start with Chocolate next.

I woke up with a stabbing kidney pain this morning, it eventually went away but is back tonight, I am sure its due to the decrease in water intake, or the increase in vitamins, not sure but its hurting tonight...

Insurance Enrollment was a bust it won't let me do anything online so we have to call in the A.M, it says I cannot change anything to annual enrollment which is only open from Nov 1-Nov 5, so it is enrollment. Why do they make insurance so hard,something that should be beneficial and wonderful, so difficult and hard to deal with.

As I sit here in pain the kidney thing is actually starting to worry me ... :( I am going to drink water and cut back on the halloween candy.. Hopefully that will help..

Happy Monday <3

Welcome November

November means Insurance enrollment month for us, I can currently uninsured, making drs appts a thing of the past, Today I will try and enroll myself in D's insurance as a Domestic Partner, while they recognize domestic partnerships, there a few minor, or rather major things that are getting in the way... Last night I left the house and got anxious, because before I left I had checked my Facebook and my trigger word, my MAIN trigger word, was written. I think facebook for the most part does me more harm with my anxiety. It seems people post the most tragic personal things on there, I am sure I am guilty of this once or twice myself. I have debated hiding the people that are always posting medical updates, because I cannot handle it, but what is running going to solve? D, works a 16 hour shift today, ALL night.. I am sure I wont sleep well.. I have a hard time when he is not here... C1 and C2 have school tomorrow, but P is off, So I think I am going to TRY and take him somewhere just him and I, he needs the one on one time badly....

I hope everyone enjoys the rest of the 2010... Counting down to Thanksgiving<3>