Take 2

This is the second attempt at this post, this first time around C1 ( my 2 yr old unplugged my computer and I lost it all.... So Take 2!!

today I had to go to the grocery store, and I was so hopeful and optimistic that i debated going on the highway to the store in the next town , but I did not for 2 reasons. 1, I didnt have a lot of time, and 2 maybe it was too big of a store to conquer just yet..

I went to a store about 5-7 minutes away depending on lights, I did okay, mid way through I got anxious but it went , I actually did the line check out instead of self check out, I always do self to keep myself busy, the guy who got behind me had an oxygen tank, go figure right, I do okay, I am walking out and get very anxious as my foot feels numb, being numb is a huge trigger for me... I know I will be fine once I start to load the car up, and I was , I start to leave and I swear it hit me like a ton of bricks, I had started to panic, as bad as its gotten in awhile...Id say I was full on panic by the time i got to the arbys drive thru, which I decided to stop despite the hard time I was having.. I got through it but I remember thinking about death and dying, and fainting and all the sudden I look down and there is a cut on my finger and that freaks me out apparently, I get to the drive thru and have to wait in a line and I do not have my phone, I have Ds phone, so I cannot call my safe person, I had not taken my vitamin, I had no gum and no water ( until after the drive thru guy handed me my water) I was without all my support people and objects, which is a good thing for long term recovery, but a bad thing for my mindset right then and there. I get back out on the road and get stuck at a light, I feel light headed and dizzy and I stop to think about my breathing and how thats probably causing it, it didnt help at all :( I thought maybe it would, I tried to calm myself down, but I ended up arguing with my thoughts and getting no where, back on the road, the car in front of me went 10 below the speed limit... I get home the literally the moment I get out of the car, I was alright... I just wish my mind would stop doing this to me, I shouldnt act or talk like a victim in the situation but I cant help it right now, I had finally been able to go to the store ..without worry and now I will worry about even driving those 5-7 minutes away now... depressing..discouraging.devastating ..

I got home and took my vitamin and I am okay now... Ive been okay since almost the moment I walked in, I did take a 30 minute cat nap , because I was very light headed, I am sure it had to do with my low blood sugar and the fact that I am getting sick, and not fainting like I like to jump to.

My kids are driving me batty today , I am sure the high stress has something to do with my recent issues. ( just hit save c1 is by the plug) I need a break from my life for a little bit, my kids fight with each other non stop and scream non stop, I just need a slow down for a little bit, to breathe...

Anyways , I hope everyone has a great weekend.. I have no plans.. I look forward to doing nothing.