Where it all began 10 years Ago

I was 15 years old, living a normal life, I had amazing friends and a great social life. I worked at an Italian Ice Stand. It was about 10 minutes before closing time and a family came in, I was making their sno cones, when I went to change the ice I hit the pedal before I had taken my hand out... It didnt do anything to me, but make me FREAK out..luckily the family that stopped was a god send and helped me out, I thought I was going to faint...I did not.. no panic attack then

Fast forward to the next day...I was in 2nd or 3rd period History or English class ( Amazing how the details have since faded) ..and there it was... My first ever attack, I was drinking Dr.Pepper and I went to the nurses office a friend came with me. The nurse asked if I was on some kind of drugs, I was not obviously, it was a panic attack, I thought for sure I would faint right then and there, hence, my number one all time fear.. fainting, and lucky me, thats what anxiety makes you feel like you are going to do..

I to this day, Do not eat sno cones or DRINK Dr. pepper, they are both VERY big triggers for me.. From there my life was never the same, it was changing schools, yeah big deal to me, I had it all at my school, I was popular , well liked, I had an amazing life there, but I couldnt handle classes anymore, I left that school and went to a half day type school where I did get my diploma. I was put on an anti-depressant and Klonopin . and my anxiety seemed to have gotten better, at 17 I went off to college. I lived a normal life... I dropped out of college, biggest mistake I ever made, I got pregnant at 18 ... March 23rd 2004, I had a terrible Anxiety attack... and it all came back... it happens like this every so often.. then Ill resume normal life... However.. In 2008 I was pregnant with my third child and decided I was done with medication, so from October 2008-September of 2010 I was off all medication and I just dealt with it......

On September 17th 2010, I was 20 minutes away from home, when I got stung by a bee on my lip, my lip went numb and all the sudden the negative thoughts started, what if I am allergic, and then I felt like I couldnt swallow, and I could of course and I KNOW i am not allergic, I had all 3 kids 20 minutes away from home, I had to medicate drive home a MESS with 3 kids in the backseat and I talked to D the entire way home, but I made it...So September 18th, My nieces birthday, we get 6 minutes away and I start to lose it... I am now back where I always end up, powerless over my own life, I feel like I do not even control my own thoughts or emotions anymore.


So I have anxiety, Panic disorder, which induces mild agoraphobia, I've always avoided the agoraphobia by making sure I left the house no matter how uncomfortable it was ... I can honestly say that is NOT the case this time, I am still leaving the house and driving within my safe radius, but nothing like I was. I know it will take time to get back to where I used to be, but I am NOT at all a patient person.


I have what some people call, medical or health anxiety, and I am a hypochondriac, trust me if I hear it, I have it, I don't make it public that I think I have it, or that it will happen to me , but its in my head and it controls my thoughts.

One psychiatrist once pointed out that right before my attacks started, I had lost my grandfather, my first and only major loss my entire life, she said that a lot of my anxiety probably came from the loss of a loved one, it makes sense, my fear of death of anything medical that may cause death... There is a lot that I need to sort out.

Things like accidents on the highway or ambulances are triggers, shows on T.V like ER, or anything with a tragic hospital scene, not to mention hospitals themselves, which is silly since I have been through 9 major surgeries, and I am only 25. Also managed to have 3 children and get 4 tattoos with my fear of needles, Ive flown twice and rode in a car for a 24 hr trip. Some would say that most of my life has been a success story. I do acknowledge my triumphs with this disorder, but I tend to focus more on the downfalls. I am in a rut right not that I cannot get out of, I am angry with myself. That is not going to get me anywhere...

Anyways, I am glad I finally shared, it was tough to type out and relive..