Ahh. How I wish I could not worry if even for a day. Its like worrying about things,especially things I cannot change, it comsumes my entire day. Today its worrying about my kids and if they have anxiety and or some other issues, I am unsure what to think and what to make of all my stupid thoughts, I wish I could let things play out the way they were meant to be, they will anyway, so why spend my life worrying about them. It surely wont change the outcome, just make me a little crazier....
I went to subway today, did amazing in the 20 minute line and about 1 minute away from home I got super anxious and started to PANIC , I havent actually PANICED in awhile, Thankfully I was only 1 minute away from home and got home quickly and it subsided. I really am looking forward to the day when driving isnt a HUGE deal again,when I can take my son to speech therapy again, I am sure she wonders why I havent been there and his father has . I kind of want to write her a letter and tell her everything, at least that way maybe just maybe she would understand a little better or maybe just not judge me for not being there.. I was taking him to every appt at first, before all this crap happened at least. I just want to be a good mother, It should only matter that I am in the eyes of my children, but I still don't want to be judged for what I cannot do instead applauded for the things I have overcome just to be a mother. Either way life is life I have to accept that other people won't always agree or see things my way.
D is doing a 16 hour day, I will be here for, 16 hours alone..I am so dreading it, P is the only one with school tomorrow as well, the babies will be here and just me... Ill get through it I always do.
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