I am laying awake ( well sitting) at 4 A.M!! So many things racing through my mind, I haven't blogged or written anything down in so long, but I remember just how much it seemed to always help in bad times !! I haven't been doing real great lately with my anxiety and panic disorder. In fact I would probably say that its gotten pretty bad over recent months!!! It seems I have the same basic fears, they are just triggered more easily now... and by more easily, I mean EVERYTHING triggers it... I tried going med free again and did okay for awhile, but honestly, I dont think that is the quality of life that I desire, to be on edge all the time.. :( I am awake tonight, because my cat woke me up at 2 A.M and here I am a little over 2 hours later, and who knows when I will actually fall back asleep!! I have this weird pain in my neck and for some reason to me that triggers panic.. I mean I know why it does, but I am not sure I am ready to share that just yet... I mean writing it down means admitting it exists right? I am not at that step at this point in time!!!
My Husband is at work, and wont be home for 2 hours and 45 minutes, I would give anything for him to be here right now, just so I could feel safe!! I just want to feel safe and I want to be able to relax enough to fall back asleep! I wish there was an end in site for this round of anxiety and panic ridden stage in my life.. but I think its here for awhile this go round, I will need to learn new ways to manage it and over come !! I am at the point where I just want to feel sorry for myself, and I realize that is not going to get my anywhere with my recovery but throwing a tantrum is just how I feel at the moment!!!
Please someone take it away!! I just want to go back to sleep!!!
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