Weekend...

I am sure that you have noticed that I dont write too much on the weekends, I am usually busier than the weekdays!!

Saturday- I had a lot to do , Soccer Game, Mall, Birthday Party... I decided at 9 AM, I would take 1 MG klonopin, because I wanted to enjoy the day not be anxious for all of it... My safe person was with me at the game and at the mall, and it went off without a hitch I didnt feel a bit anxious the entire time I was either place. I hate that Ill never know if it was me or the meds, I must say that the meds dont always 100 percent work... So I will credit to both the meds and myself... The birthday party I decided to attend alone, with 2 of my children, I drove there, on the high way and even managed to get lost twice, I did get anxious a very very little bit at the party but it was nothing I couldn't handle.... It was around 4 PM, so the meds had more than worn off by this point, at least thats what I am telling myself ;) but I got through it highway , getting lost and party without my safe person, I have to mention this is the same exact highway I was on when the attack on September 17th happened, I never ever travel this way on the highway ... well I can remember three times in the past year, Once to my sons baseball game and once when the attack happened and yesterday... So I did very very well all things considered. I was overly proud of myself that day...

Sunday- We had people over for dinner, I did not medicate this day , I didnt see a point, I got anxious when they got here for a brief period of time, but that subsided, sunday was a pretty laid back day minus all the crazy cooking I had to do, I made BBQ ribs, Homemade mac and cheese and baked potatoes...Yumm.. Only I dont eat ribs....

and then there is today, I am really down today , I am sure its PMS, but I am depressed today , I honestly think there is more going on in my personal life then I would like to admit... Maybe the suppressed feelings have a little do with the anxiety or maybe not, I am not sure I will ever know. ( I had to stop blogging to go and scrub orange pop that C2 had exploded all over my WHITE carpet) I got almost all of it out though thank goodness. Now they are down for nap, which means I get to go clean my house...

UPS brough me a package =)

Look what came in the mail today... I am excited to start it when the kids go to bed.... I hear good things about it and I can only hope its the answer to my prayers, I wanted to start it the moment I got it, but it says do not start a chapter you dont have time to finish do not skim, there are parts that will make you anxious and if you skim you wont get to the parts that show you how to get through it.. So when the kids go to bed, I am going to tackle Chapter 1.

Grocery store today ... I took D with me, I couldnt do it alone, he drove and I still melted down on the way.. he however made me finish what I started, he use to enable me, until my psychologist said he was an enabler..lol.. I kind of miss the old days where he just accepted it and did what I said. I live through it , with NO gum and nothing to drink, I never panic only got anxious and cried a couple times, but I still went, its step 1...

I usually host thanksgiving this year I asked someone else to , what the hell was I thinking?? I have a hard time even leaving the house right now, why would I do that??? well whats done is done and I have to spend thanksgiving away from home, we shall see how this goes...

P has a soccer game and soccer pictures tomorrow and then to the mall afterward to get him some new jeans, he ruins his jeans so quickly, sort of frustrating.. but I have a soccer game , and the MALL, I am pretty sure this is every person with Panic disorders nightmare.. I am going to take my medication, because tomorrow isn't about me or my recovery on my own terms, its about my son.

New Fears, Old Fears, Strange Fears.

Just thinking about my disorder... I strongly believe that I had overcome it, that I had it under complete control...... Until that damn bee sting.. Because my FEAR used to be fainting, and that came from the first incident when I was 16.... I still to this day HAVE that fear... but I don't think its any longer my MAIN fear, I think my new main fear is not being able to swallow because when I got stung by the bee I was fine, until the panic took over me and all the sudden I went to "what if" I am allergic, or what if something happens to me.... because I literally FELT like I couldnt swallow, I now know that was all the panic .. then it seemed so real and like it was really happening, so maybe I hadnt overcome it entirely, maybe thats why it came back when something triggered it, but boy these last two years were amazing!!! So here I am , with not only the fear of fainting but tack on the fear of not being able to swallow, and viola, panic disorder comes back, worse than its been in 9 years, besides when I was younger, maybe even not then, this is the worst I can EVER remember it being, this is the most house bound Ive ever been, but then again I didnt drive back then, so I didnt really have the fear of driving .... I did have the fear of driving because I didnt get my license, but I was never this HOUSE BOUND ... I guess the agoraphobia has really just taken over this time.

Its 1150 AM , My time and I need to go to the grocery store 6-7 minutes away, do you know what I wouldn't give for that not to be a HUGE deal.

:)

It just feels good to smile tonight... ;)

Par for the Course

Ahh. How I wish I could not worry if even for a day. Its like worrying about things,especially things I cannot change, it comsumes my entire day. Today its worrying about my kids and if they have anxiety and or some other issues, I am unsure what to think and what to make of all my stupid thoughts, I wish I could let things play out the way they were meant to be, they will anyway, so why spend my life worrying about them. It surely wont change the outcome, just make me a little crazier....

I went to subway today, did amazing in the 20 minute line and about 1 minute away from home I got super anxious and started to PANIC , I havent actually PANICED in awhile, Thankfully I was only 1 minute away from home and got home quickly and it subsided. I really am looking forward to the day when driving isnt a HUGE deal again,when I can take my son to speech therapy again, I am sure she wonders why I havent been there and his father has . I kind of want to write her a letter and tell her everything, at least that way maybe just maybe she would understand a little better or maybe just not judge me for not being there.. I was taking him to every appt at first, before all this crap happened at least. I just want to be a good mother, It should only matter that I am in the eyes of my children, but I still don't want to be judged for what I cannot do instead applauded for the things I have overcome just to be a mother. Either way life is life I have to accept that other people won't always agree or see things my way.

D is doing a 16 hour day, I will be here for, 16 hours alone..I am so dreading it, P is the only one with school tomorrow as well, the babies will be here and just me... Ill get through it I always do.

Can't win them all

I went to the bank today, and of course after my semi awesome day yesterday today was a mess of a drive, I didnt panic per say but I was scared I was going to the entire time... I forgot to take my vitamin. Its amazing what a difference a darn vitamin can make.. I have since taken it, and the day is shaky the first shaky day I've had since 2 weeks ago..At least they arent daily, I am sure my anxiety has a little to do with all the caffeine in the chocolate ive been eating , I except chocolate have cut caffeine out of my diet 100 % ... I am going to start with Chocolate next.

I woke up with a stabbing kidney pain this morning, it eventually went away but is back tonight, I am sure its due to the decrease in water intake, or the increase in vitamins, not sure but its hurting tonight...

Insurance Enrollment was a bust it won't let me do anything online so we have to call in the A.M, it says I cannot change anything to annual enrollment which is only open from Nov 1-Nov 5, so it is enrollment. Why do they make insurance so hard,something that should be beneficial and wonderful, so difficult and hard to deal with.

As I sit here in pain the kidney thing is actually starting to worry me ... :( I am going to drink water and cut back on the halloween candy.. Hopefully that will help..

Happy Monday <3

Welcome November

November means Insurance enrollment month for us, I can currently uninsured, making drs appts a thing of the past, Today I will try and enroll myself in D's insurance as a Domestic Partner, while they recognize domestic partnerships, there a few minor, or rather major things that are getting in the way... Last night I left the house and got anxious, because before I left I had checked my Facebook and my trigger word, my MAIN trigger word, was written. I think facebook for the most part does me more harm with my anxiety. It seems people post the most tragic personal things on there, I am sure I am guilty of this once or twice myself. I have debated hiding the people that are always posting medical updates, because I cannot handle it, but what is running going to solve? D, works a 16 hour shift today, ALL night.. I am sure I wont sleep well.. I have a hard time when he is not here... C1 and C2 have school tomorrow, but P is off, So I think I am going to TRY and take him somewhere just him and I, he needs the one on one time badly....

I hope everyone enjoys the rest of the 2010... Counting down to Thanksgiving<3>