New Fears....

It seems that after 10 years of anxiety, going on 11, my fears have almost shifted into new fears. The old ones are still there, and they still make me anxious, but this NEW found fear that I've had for the last year, seems more prevalent than my old fear! My new fear, of an allergic reaction, yes and of course that would mean death, because what else would it mean?? Shessh!!! You always hear these horror stories about allergic reactions and  I am sure that its going to happen to me, or even my kids!!! All the sudden trying new foods or even eating foods prepared by other people in an envoirment where there might be something I am allergic to, brings on the anxiety... oh and for the record, I have no allergies that I've noticed in my 26 years of life, I can tell you right now how irrational this fear is, I know that, why can't I convince myself of that in times of extreme fear and panic? I know that I have no allergies( at least that I know of) and in 26 years I've been exposed to a lot of things and I've never gone into shock, and never had to call 911. I do however have sensitive skin, and sometimes I will get a rash, and I am certain that means death, AND IT EVEN MEANT MY FIRST ER visit, that was not pregnancy related in probably 6 or 7 years :(


Take me back to yesterday when C1 got stung by a bee, his very first bee sting ever, of course I have no idea if hes allergic, so I start to panic, I have no idea what to do, or what I will do if he starts to react, all I know is, my mind has already started to react like something had happened , when nothing had. I am here to say that he is not allergic to bees and I was able to calm myself down ( hours later) without medication, I avoid it at all costs while at home in a safe environment!  Today my skin is itchy, who the hell knows why, maybe its  natures sick joke, make its anxietys sick joke, all I know is, I just want it to go away... I mean everyone itches sometimes, and it surely doesnt have to mean I am dying or reacting to something... My mind is sure a crazy place to be sometimes... ( ok most of time ;) )  I hope everyone has a wonderful Wednesday!!!

1 Year later

Hi Everyone, I know its been awhile, its been a long while, my life is pretty much unchanged since last time I wrote.. Some things are different, I did recently see a therapist and psychiatrist, I really should go to therapy regularly. I just cannot seem to keep appointments, of any kind. Maybe thats irresponsible, maybe its just plain lazy...either way I am no good at it... The Dr. started me on a new medicine called Ativan, and I take it as needed, 1 MG, so after 10 years of the same as needed medicine, I am on a new path! It is very helpful.. I can say while I am always anxious , I rarely have attacks, and my agoraphobia, while not completely conquered, I am doing at least 100x better than where I was last year. I managed Disney, medicated the ride down and I think one day while we were there, otherwise, it was amazing!!! Also road tripped 10 hours to NC, and no attacks. I am so thankful for the progress I have made.. Its been amazing to enjoy life again... The anxiety and panic are still there, they will always be there, but  I feel like I have taken my life partially back from their horrible disorder!! Healing or beginning to heal is an amazing feeling... I have Panic Disorder, and I am always anxious normally but I won't let it control me.  I am determined to live the life I have, and to stop worrying about when I won't be here anymore, because the truth is, I am here NOW, after death happens.. after my fear does happen, there is no more.. this is all I've been given  and if I don't choose to take control then it would have been a waste, and I don't want to look back at that, I want looking back to be filled with laughter and happiness, so that's what I plan to do, fill my life with great times and great people...!!!

Back in Action

I've been MIA for awhile, and I am unsure if anyone even still checks here... But I want to say that I am still struggling probably now worse than ever... I am just not doing really well..I hope everyone else has had better success than I have... The holidays are over....Now there is not too much time before our disney trip and I am still unsure how I will make it...sigh....Anyways I do plan on picking this up again...

On another note the, agoraphobia has gotten much worse, I can leave with my safe person and go pretty far.. but its without him and driving that I am still have a ton of issues , its winter and I dont usually go many places anyway in the winter, i am so looking forward to spring..!

ever feel

Like your whole world is falling apart and everything you ever believed  in , you now question ?? I guess if you can answer yes then you know where I am right now. Where I find myself questioning things I've done decisions I've made, people  I chose to let it and those I've managed to cut out......

Welcome back insomnia.

Last night was terrible, I am not sure what it was, my mind was racing I felt like I couldn't breathe, I was anxious, luckily I didnt medicated and I didnt Panic, I did use some belly breathing techniques and that seemed to do the trick!! But I am exhausted today about 2.5-3 hrs of sleep, and I've been baking cookies all day... what I wouldn't give for a nap or just to lay in bed and close my eyes for awhile...The snow is getting out of control here, like over  a foot on the group and it just keeps coming..!! I am ready for it to stop, its insane out there and I do not like to drive, let alone drive in the snow.!!!

C1 and C2 both have terrible colds...and P is grounded makes for a hectic stressful week ahead, but D is only working 8 hours days I will sure miss the money, but its nice to have him home with us, to help with the kids...I am going to try and lay down for a bit and home the babes can entertain  themselves, I can hardly keep my eyes open!!!

Hiatus

Guess I've sort of been on one!!!  Things got really bad for me there for awhile, I didnt want to get out of bed, I didnt want to shower or go anywhere, clean my house cook for my kids, I guess sometimes I would force myself to write on here, but I really had just given up on myself completely. That was until this weekend , if you remember I hadn't left the house alone in almost 2 weeks( since the last attack) Saturday we had plans with some friends an hour away..eeek.. Then our friends asked to ride with us, DOUBLE EEK!!! I did take a pill, I mean whatever makes it bearable right, I am glad that I did very glad that I did, because I enjoyed my entire night, panic free... Pills are not the answer all the time, but they sure were for me on Saturday night...  I also managed to find the courage to go back to the grocery store with P.J on Saturday during the day, not medicated of course since its so close ... I showered did my hair and slapped on some make up and felt so much better about myself... I wish I could say I was cured, for a quick moment in time I thought I was, I woke up anxious in the middle of the night last night, also while doing dishes I was anxious about the 10000 ft of snow we have.... there is a lot of snow out there, 12-18 inches by morning!!!!

I really just am not sure what to do about the anxiety anymore, part of me thinks that in time it will pass, I think thats the lazy part of me not wanting to work at it to get better , not wanting to face the issues and get over them just waiting for a good couple of years like I've had in the past, which is going to solve nothing in time...it won't be helpful to me or to my family...

These next 3 weeks for me are a whirlwind of christmas get togethers birthdays and  activities with the kids, I will get through it, I always have and always will !!! I must say I get a little more terrified about disney each day!!!!!!

Heartburn really!?!?!

Since D is working doubles all week, I am sleeping alone, something I do not do well, I was actually exhausted last night when I went to bed thinking, YAY sleep.. not so much. I have only had heartburn twice in my life, and this was number two, it hurt so bad that I felt it in my back I ate bread and propped myself up, but with panic disorder we all know where my mind went, I of course told myself it was irrational and not logical and it seemed for the most part to work.. I didnt full on panic....It eventually subsided and I went to bed..but it was no fun, I pray tonight is not more of the same..

Fast forward to tomorrow, I have to leave the house for the first time alone, in almost 2 weeks, 2 weeks is by the way the longest I have gone since I got my license ( at 21) so 4 years, Huge deal to me, I know I can do and will be fine, I just gotta get myself  back out there!!!  Of course  I say that now, wait till I get behind the wheel and then ask me how I feel.