Back in Action

I've been MIA for awhile, and I am unsure if anyone even still checks here... But I want to say that I am still struggling probably now worse than ever... I am just not doing really well..I hope everyone else has had better success than I have... The holidays are over....Now there is not too much time before our disney trip and I am still unsure how I will make it...sigh....Anyways I do plan on picking this up again...

On another note the, agoraphobia has gotten much worse, I can leave with my safe person and go pretty far.. but its without him and driving that I am still have a ton of issues , its winter and I dont usually go many places anyway in the winter, i am so looking forward to spring..!

ever feel

Like your whole world is falling apart and everything you ever believed  in , you now question ?? I guess if you can answer yes then you know where I am right now. Where I find myself questioning things I've done decisions I've made, people  I chose to let it and those I've managed to cut out......

Welcome back insomnia.

Last night was terrible, I am not sure what it was, my mind was racing I felt like I couldn't breathe, I was anxious, luckily I didnt medicated and I didnt Panic, I did use some belly breathing techniques and that seemed to do the trick!! But I am exhausted today about 2.5-3 hrs of sleep, and I've been baking cookies all day... what I wouldn't give for a nap or just to lay in bed and close my eyes for awhile...The snow is getting out of control here, like over  a foot on the group and it just keeps coming..!! I am ready for it to stop, its insane out there and I do not like to drive, let alone drive in the snow.!!!

C1 and C2 both have terrible colds...and P is grounded makes for a hectic stressful week ahead, but D is only working 8 hours days I will sure miss the money, but its nice to have him home with us, to help with the kids...I am going to try and lay down for a bit and home the babes can entertain  themselves, I can hardly keep my eyes open!!!

Hiatus

Guess I've sort of been on one!!!  Things got really bad for me there for awhile, I didnt want to get out of bed, I didnt want to shower or go anywhere, clean my house cook for my kids, I guess sometimes I would force myself to write on here, but I really had just given up on myself completely. That was until this weekend , if you remember I hadn't left the house alone in almost 2 weeks( since the last attack) Saturday we had plans with some friends an hour away..eeek.. Then our friends asked to ride with us, DOUBLE EEK!!! I did take a pill, I mean whatever makes it bearable right, I am glad that I did very glad that I did, because I enjoyed my entire night, panic free... Pills are not the answer all the time, but they sure were for me on Saturday night...  I also managed to find the courage to go back to the grocery store with P.J on Saturday during the day, not medicated of course since its so close ... I showered did my hair and slapped on some make up and felt so much better about myself... I wish I could say I was cured, for a quick moment in time I thought I was, I woke up anxious in the middle of the night last night, also while doing dishes I was anxious about the 10000 ft of snow we have.... there is a lot of snow out there, 12-18 inches by morning!!!!

I really just am not sure what to do about the anxiety anymore, part of me thinks that in time it will pass, I think thats the lazy part of me not wanting to work at it to get better , not wanting to face the issues and get over them just waiting for a good couple of years like I've had in the past, which is going to solve nothing in time...it won't be helpful to me or to my family...

These next 3 weeks for me are a whirlwind of christmas get togethers birthdays and  activities with the kids, I will get through it, I always have and always will !!! I must say I get a little more terrified about disney each day!!!!!!

Heartburn really!?!?!

Since D is working doubles all week, I am sleeping alone, something I do not do well, I was actually exhausted last night when I went to bed thinking, YAY sleep.. not so much. I have only had heartburn twice in my life, and this was number two, it hurt so bad that I felt it in my back I ate bread and propped myself up, but with panic disorder we all know where my mind went, I of course told myself it was irrational and not logical and it seemed for the most part to work.. I didnt full on panic....It eventually subsided and I went to bed..but it was no fun, I pray tonight is not more of the same..

Fast forward to tomorrow, I have to leave the house for the first time alone, in almost 2 weeks, 2 weeks is by the way the longest I have gone since I got my license ( at 21) so 4 years, Huge deal to me, I know I can do and will be fine, I just gotta get myself  back out there!!!  Of course  I say that now, wait till I get behind the wheel and then ask me how I feel.

Quick Note....

That I have not left the house alone or driven since over a week ago :( How bad is that?? I need to get out there and do it but yeah no happening.. I left with my safe person this weekend a bunch of times, but not alone.. yikes, this is only going to get worse if I baby it.

And I am back...same day later...

If you remember last time I went to the grocery store I panicked, I have not left the house alone since. I can imagine that when I do it will not be pleasant for me :(  ...o and I still have NOT picked up in my Panic attacks workbook, the exposure therapy, Hopefully next week when D is on a more normal work schedule it will make it easier :)

I did however go to walmart with my safe person and christmas shop this Saturday, twice and kmart, also twice ..without having to take anything, so in my book I did pretty well ...I honestly think the thing I fear the most, is the fear itself..that and death...but I honestly fear having a panic attack more than I fear any other one thing, and knowing its not dangerous or harmful, doesn't ease the fear any, I think the people around me are starting to get frustrated with my agoraphobia, I used to be the type of person that would get up and go to the store for myself, and I am not anymore, I wont do much of anything outside this house alone...

On a happier note, I am done christmas shopping for all 3 of  my children, just gotta do stockings and we are done, I cannot wait to wrap, wrapping is one of the best parts of christmas !!!

Jesus Take The Wheel

Oh man, what a week, what a weekend, what a year for that matter. Failure, its one thing to let myself down, but to have to let everyone else down and have to explain it, I think thats the hardest part of it all,or having someone not be as supportive as I'd like when  I do fail.. It's hard and makes me feel even less hopeless and even more like I can't do it anymore.... I want to get better I do, but it seems like such a small issue in the grand scheme of things, I mean sure my panic disorder sucks, in fact its the hardest thing I've ever been through in both childhood and my adult life, but really in the bigger picture it seems so unimportant.. There are some things that just matter more like family and friends, and love..and I wish that were enough of a realization to overcome it all, not just panic disorder but all lifes hardships, I know in the end everything always works out the way it should, but why does the road there have to be so bumpy, some say it helps you appreciate the good times more, I don't believe that , I believe good times as just as good with a smooth journey there. I just pray for the strength and patience to get through this hard time, and maybe for the support and understanding of those I love...

Babies are awake from nap..