10/18/12 4 A.M

I am laying awake ( well sitting) at 4 A.M!! So  many things racing through my mind, I haven't blogged or written anything down in so long, but I remember just how much it seemed to always help in bad times !! I haven't been doing real great lately with my anxiety and panic disorder. In fact I would probably say that its gotten pretty bad over recent months!!! It seems I have the same basic fears, they are just triggered more easily now... and by more easily, I mean EVERYTHING triggers it... I tried going med free again and did okay for awhile, but honestly, I dont think that is the quality of life that  I desire, to be on edge all the time.. :( I am awake tonight, because my cat woke me up at 2 A.M and here I am a little over 2 hours later, and who knows when I will actually fall back asleep!! I have this weird pain in my neck and for some reason to me that triggers panic.. I mean I know why it does, but I am not sure I am ready to share that just yet... I mean writing it down means admitting it exists right? I am not at that step at this point in time!!!

My Husband is at work, and wont be home for 2 hours and 45 minutes, I would give anything for him to be here right now, just so I could feel safe!! I just want to feel safe and I want to be able to relax enough to fall back asleep! I wish there was an end in site for this round of anxiety and panic ridden stage in my life.. but I think its here for awhile this go round, I will need to learn new ways to manage it and over come !! I am at the point where I just want to feel sorry for myself, and I realize that is not going to get my anywhere with my recovery but throwing a tantrum is just how I feel at the moment!!!

Please someone take it away!! I just want to go back to sleep!!! 

o

New Fears....

It seems that after 10 years of anxiety, going on 11, my fears have almost shifted into new fears. The old ones are still there, and they still make me anxious, but this NEW found fear that I've had for the last year, seems more prevalent than my old fear! My new fear, of an allergic reaction, yes and of course that would mean death, because what else would it mean?? Shessh!!! You always hear these horror stories about allergic reactions and  I am sure that its going to happen to me, or even my kids!!! All the sudden trying new foods or even eating foods prepared by other people in an envoirment where there might be something I am allergic to, brings on the anxiety... oh and for the record, I have no allergies that I've noticed in my 26 years of life, I can tell you right now how irrational this fear is, I know that, why can't I convince myself of that in times of extreme fear and panic? I know that I have no allergies( at least that I know of) and in 26 years I've been exposed to a lot of things and I've never gone into shock, and never had to call 911. I do however have sensitive skin, and sometimes I will get a rash, and I am certain that means death, AND IT EVEN MEANT MY FIRST ER visit, that was not pregnancy related in probably 6 or 7 years :(


Take me back to yesterday when C1 got stung by a bee, his very first bee sting ever, of course I have no idea if hes allergic, so I start to panic, I have no idea what to do, or what I will do if he starts to react, all I know is, my mind has already started to react like something had happened , when nothing had. I am here to say that he is not allergic to bees and I was able to calm myself down ( hours later) without medication, I avoid it at all costs while at home in a safe environment!  Today my skin is itchy, who the hell knows why, maybe its  natures sick joke, make its anxietys sick joke, all I know is, I just want it to go away... I mean everyone itches sometimes, and it surely doesnt have to mean I am dying or reacting to something... My mind is sure a crazy place to be sometimes... ( ok most of time ;) )  I hope everyone has a wonderful Wednesday!!!

1 Year later

Hi Everyone, I know its been awhile, its been a long while, my life is pretty much unchanged since last time I wrote.. Some things are different, I did recently see a therapist and psychiatrist, I really should go to therapy regularly. I just cannot seem to keep appointments, of any kind. Maybe thats irresponsible, maybe its just plain lazy...either way I am no good at it... The Dr. started me on a new medicine called Ativan, and I take it as needed, 1 MG, so after 10 years of the same as needed medicine, I am on a new path! It is very helpful.. I can say while I am always anxious , I rarely have attacks, and my agoraphobia, while not completely conquered, I am doing at least 100x better than where I was last year. I managed Disney, medicated the ride down and I think one day while we were there, otherwise, it was amazing!!! Also road tripped 10 hours to NC, and no attacks. I am so thankful for the progress I have made.. Its been amazing to enjoy life again... The anxiety and panic are still there, they will always be there, but  I feel like I have taken my life partially back from their horrible disorder!! Healing or beginning to heal is an amazing feeling... I have Panic Disorder, and I am always anxious normally but I won't let it control me.  I am determined to live the life I have, and to stop worrying about when I won't be here anymore, because the truth is, I am here NOW, after death happens.. after my fear does happen, there is no more.. this is all I've been given  and if I don't choose to take control then it would have been a waste, and I don't want to look back at that, I want looking back to be filled with laughter and happiness, so that's what I plan to do, fill my life with great times and great people...!!!

Back in Action

I've been MIA for awhile, and I am unsure if anyone even still checks here... But I want to say that I am still struggling probably now worse than ever... I am just not doing really well..I hope everyone else has had better success than I have... The holidays are over....Now there is not too much time before our disney trip and I am still unsure how I will make it...sigh....Anyways I do plan on picking this up again...

On another note the, agoraphobia has gotten much worse, I can leave with my safe person and go pretty far.. but its without him and driving that I am still have a ton of issues , its winter and I dont usually go many places anyway in the winter, i am so looking forward to spring..!

ever feel

Like your whole world is falling apart and everything you ever believed  in , you now question ?? I guess if you can answer yes then you know where I am right now. Where I find myself questioning things I've done decisions I've made, people  I chose to let it and those I've managed to cut out......

Welcome back insomnia.

Last night was terrible, I am not sure what it was, my mind was racing I felt like I couldn't breathe, I was anxious, luckily I didnt medicated and I didnt Panic, I did use some belly breathing techniques and that seemed to do the trick!! But I am exhausted today about 2.5-3 hrs of sleep, and I've been baking cookies all day... what I wouldn't give for a nap or just to lay in bed and close my eyes for awhile...The snow is getting out of control here, like over  a foot on the group and it just keeps coming..!! I am ready for it to stop, its insane out there and I do not like to drive, let alone drive in the snow.!!!

C1 and C2 both have terrible colds...and P is grounded makes for a hectic stressful week ahead, but D is only working 8 hours days I will sure miss the money, but its nice to have him home with us, to help with the kids...I am going to try and lay down for a bit and home the babes can entertain  themselves, I can hardly keep my eyes open!!!

Hiatus

Guess I've sort of been on one!!!  Things got really bad for me there for awhile, I didnt want to get out of bed, I didnt want to shower or go anywhere, clean my house cook for my kids, I guess sometimes I would force myself to write on here, but I really had just given up on myself completely. That was until this weekend , if you remember I hadn't left the house alone in almost 2 weeks( since the last attack) Saturday we had plans with some friends an hour away..eeek.. Then our friends asked to ride with us, DOUBLE EEK!!! I did take a pill, I mean whatever makes it bearable right, I am glad that I did very glad that I did, because I enjoyed my entire night, panic free... Pills are not the answer all the time, but they sure were for me on Saturday night...  I also managed to find the courage to go back to the grocery store with P.J on Saturday during the day, not medicated of course since its so close ... I showered did my hair and slapped on some make up and felt so much better about myself... I wish I could say I was cured, for a quick moment in time I thought I was, I woke up anxious in the middle of the night last night, also while doing dishes I was anxious about the 10000 ft of snow we have.... there is a lot of snow out there, 12-18 inches by morning!!!!

I really just am not sure what to do about the anxiety anymore, part of me thinks that in time it will pass, I think thats the lazy part of me not wanting to work at it to get better , not wanting to face the issues and get over them just waiting for a good couple of years like I've had in the past, which is going to solve nothing in time...it won't be helpful to me or to my family...

These next 3 weeks for me are a whirlwind of christmas get togethers birthdays and  activities with the kids, I will get through it, I always have and always will !!! I must say I get a little more terrified about disney each day!!!!!!

Heartburn really!?!?!

Since D is working doubles all week, I am sleeping alone, something I do not do well, I was actually exhausted last night when I went to bed thinking, YAY sleep.. not so much. I have only had heartburn twice in my life, and this was number two, it hurt so bad that I felt it in my back I ate bread and propped myself up, but with panic disorder we all know where my mind went, I of course told myself it was irrational and not logical and it seemed for the most part to work.. I didnt full on panic....It eventually subsided and I went to bed..but it was no fun, I pray tonight is not more of the same..

Fast forward to tomorrow, I have to leave the house for the first time alone, in almost 2 weeks, 2 weeks is by the way the longest I have gone since I got my license ( at 21) so 4 years, Huge deal to me, I know I can do and will be fine, I just gotta get myself  back out there!!!  Of course  I say that now, wait till I get behind the wheel and then ask me how I feel.

Quick Note....

That I have not left the house alone or driven since over a week ago :( How bad is that?? I need to get out there and do it but yeah no happening.. I left with my safe person this weekend a bunch of times, but not alone.. yikes, this is only going to get worse if I baby it.

And I am back...same day later...

If you remember last time I went to the grocery store I panicked, I have not left the house alone since. I can imagine that when I do it will not be pleasant for me :(  ...o and I still have NOT picked up in my Panic attacks workbook, the exposure therapy, Hopefully next week when D is on a more normal work schedule it will make it easier :)

I did however go to walmart with my safe person and christmas shop this Saturday, twice and kmart, also twice ..without having to take anything, so in my book I did pretty well ...I honestly think the thing I fear the most, is the fear itself..that and death...but I honestly fear having a panic attack more than I fear any other one thing, and knowing its not dangerous or harmful, doesn't ease the fear any, I think the people around me are starting to get frustrated with my agoraphobia, I used to be the type of person that would get up and go to the store for myself, and I am not anymore, I wont do much of anything outside this house alone...

On a happier note, I am done christmas shopping for all 3 of  my children, just gotta do stockings and we are done, I cannot wait to wrap, wrapping is one of the best parts of christmas !!!

Jesus Take The Wheel

Oh man, what a week, what a weekend, what a year for that matter. Failure, its one thing to let myself down, but to have to let everyone else down and have to explain it, I think thats the hardest part of it all,or having someone not be as supportive as I'd like when  I do fail.. It's hard and makes me feel even less hopeless and even more like I can't do it anymore.... I want to get better I do, but it seems like such a small issue in the grand scheme of things, I mean sure my panic disorder sucks, in fact its the hardest thing I've ever been through in both childhood and my adult life, but really in the bigger picture it seems so unimportant.. There are some things that just matter more like family and friends, and love..and I wish that were enough of a realization to overcome it all, not just panic disorder but all lifes hardships, I know in the end everything always works out the way it should, but why does the road there have to be so bumpy, some say it helps you appreciate the good times more, I don't believe that , I believe good times as just as good with a smooth journey there. I just pray for the strength and patience to get through this hard time, and maybe for the support and understanding of those I love...

Babies are awake from nap..

Weekends are exhausting

and ive had 0 time to post anything, I have a lot to say, I just am about to fall asleep onto the keyboard.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Thanksgiving!!!

Ohh Thanksgiving!!! I decided to take .5 MGs of klonopin before we went to dinner at my brothers. I think it was a mistake, I believe I would have gotten through it without the meds but now I will never ever know.. I havne't taken it since November 7th, so it was about 3 weeks... but man o man the days  I do take it , I feel like I can take over the world,its so nice to have those anxiety panic free days, much deserved I might add. Thanksgiving was good, food was yummy.

I decided to reward myself for having a good day by having an adult night, D and I went this his best friends girlfriends house and played poker with 2 other couples, and drank some wine....Now comes the scary part, I had a lot of wine and some champagne, I won't lie about it, A LOT... I didnt feel too bad...until we left to go home, the cold air hit me and holy crap, I remember some of the ride home and then going to bed and getting changed, I lost that entire time, I have NO recollection of it whatsoever, which I am sure has to do with mixing the medication and the alcohol, but I have been racking my brain trying to get that time back and its gone.. I asked D everything that happened and he told me, But its scary to just completely not remember it . I will no longer be mixing my medication with alcohol, even if its just wine...

Overall it was memorable and I have no idea why I dreaded it..... Right now I am at a cross road between making the decision to stay medicated, knowing that eventually I will wean myself off, I always do, I always have periods where I do not take it at all, or just quitting it now.. I hate relying on it, but its so very helpful, it makes my life bearable and I can be happy.. I am so confused.

What a difference a year makes :(

Its hard to believe that 1 year ago today I hosted thanksgiving without a hitch went out at 4 AM to target to shop for black Friday.. stood in like for 3 hours total... I did get anxious but was able to stay....and here I am now, not hosting this year, and having to go somewhere and terrified to be in a house with a lot of people and away from home, I am really debating taking meds for this day, only because I want to enjoy it and not be anxious the entire time, I haven't taken meds, in 3 weeks... Sigh.. No clue what to do.


I am going to my brothers house, I actually asked not to host this year and I am glad in a sense I did, D is working doubles and I don't have time to prepare everything  or clean my house to get ready...but still there will be my brothers girlfriends family as well, makes for a lot of people, I had trouble at our football party with a lot of people and I was home.. I am just scared , I will have my safe person, so I shouldn't be... I am condemning myself to failure before I've even tried !!

I miss..

a time when I was less likely to snap so easily, a time when I was less angry at everyone , a time when I was a more patient mother, a time when I didn't have to give myself a pep talk , just to go grocery shopping , I miss a time where I made getting dressed daily more of a priority, I miss a time where I didnt envy people for being happy or for not having the issues I do, I miss a time when I was kinder because I had less going on in my own life, I miss a time when I didn't have to be taken care of and a time when I was easy to get a long with, a miss a time when my anxiety was something I thought I had overcome...Mostly I just miss myself :(

Being alone...

makes me very anxious... I am here for another hour by myself, Ds at work, and all three kids are at school ... I know what it is about being alone that terrifies me. I just wish that it didn't !!! I still havent started the exposure therapy..I was going to last night, but reading that book before bed is like watching the scariest movie ever, before bed. I probably wont start it tomorrow either to be honest...

I was thinking last night that I remember in 2009, I couldnt drive to the mall, I remember taking back roads so that if I had to escape to turn around I could..now in 2010, I was driving much farther distances than the mall...I keep telling myself that I will get back to the point, I have to get back to the point right?

Monday..gag...

I really do hate Mondays, and this week D is pulling doubles, so I double hate Monday this week :)

Anyways the weekend was kind of uneventful, I did manage a Kmart and a Walmart trip with D ( my safe person) Its amazing what a different a person can make in your ability to do things, but I havent been out alone since the attack on friday... I was remembering a time when walmart wasnt so scary... its rough to look back to the easier times and hard to hold onto hope that one day it will be easy again... I got to part 3 in my Panic attacks workbook, where I am actually supposed to start exposure therapy, I have yet to start reading it or doing this part, I want to wait till I feel I am 100 percent ready,I am also going to start exposure therapy without a safe person, because I feel I can do pretty much anything with him, its without him I am having issues...

One thing I am supposed to do , is to pick people ,friends or family, close to me and tell them what I am going through. I am NOT ready for that, but I have two people in mind that I would love to share with.. I have shared this blog site with 2 friends, the 2 I felt would be unlikely to judge me and think differently of me, other than that..My panic disorder is for the most part a complete secret from my friends, D knows of course, but he doesnt know about my blog site,for I fear my inner most thoughts are too much for even him sometimes. I really want to share with these two people and maybe it would be easier if that sharing didn't have to be done face to face, but thats how this book would like me to approach it...

better late than never right?

Self assesment...

This is long, so you might not read it, I am going to take this same test in 3 months and see where I am... this is for me... :)

On the overall affectedness scale you are probably anxious and or depressed much of the time. More than likely it is hard for you to enjoy life on any consistent level. You are always second-guessing yourself and the world around you. You are over thinking and obsessing and you hardly ever experience peace of mind. You’re often fearful, worrisome, and unhappy. You don’t like being this way but you don’t know what to do to change. Things are too much work and no one understands the way you feel. You go from worry to depression, to worry again, wearing yourself out with your thoughts and what if thinking. You probably hate yourself much of the time for being so miserable to be around and yet you can’t seem to find comfort when you’re alone. Nothing makes you feel safe or happy, and life is just one big struggle. Please, get help. You can be happy and confident again. You just need a clear plan of action and the right tools.


Agoraphobic Feelings: You are an extreme worrier and catastrophizer. You are constantly evaluating your situation and anticipating potential for danger or embarrassment. You have allowed your worry and anticipation of bad things happening to control your life. You avoid doing certain things that could make you anxious and uncomfortable. You make excuses to your family and friends about why you can’t do things and go certain places. Possibly you have created a safe area and comfortable boundaries in your life. Possibly you feel safe at home, or you have limited your travel to a certain place or distance. There might be places you will go and places you won’t go, things you will do and things you won’t do. Your life has become very limited and you make decisions based in fear. You are probably holding yourself back from some wonderful life experiences because of your fears. You worry that you will panic, die, choke, faint, lose your mind, or embarrass yourself in front of someone in situations or places that make you uncomfortable. This level of agoraphobia (anxiety and avoidance) is confining and controlling and greatly affects the quality of your life. You possibly avoid shopping, driving, or socializing on some level. You also probably avoid any travel that threatens your sense of control, such as buses trains, airplanes, etc. You make plans around your fears. You won’t go unless there is a private restroom close by, you won’t go unless you can sit by the door, you won’t go unless you can drive…and often you simply just won’t go because you don’t want to feel those anxious body feelings.


General Anxiety: You are an intense person who constantly feels on edge. You worry and anticipate about things in your life on an ongoing basis. You are often in a sensitized state. This means you are extremely sensitive to lights, sounds, and your surroundings. You probably have an anger problem and might even struggle with explosive outbursts. You feel like a car in high gear with the brakes on, you are all wound up with nowhere to go. Your mind races with a thousand reasons why you should worry. Physically you may experience intense inner nervousness, shallow breathing and sighing, upset stomach, headache, muscle tension, and even rapid heart beat. Probably you are someone who worries about your health. Do you have a disease; are you having a heart attack? You anticipate situations that you are concerned about for days, if not weeks in advance. These situations could include health tests or exams, travel plans, social or professional events or pressures. You have an extremely difficult time relaxing and might sometimes use alcohol or medications to help you calm down. You envy people who are relaxed and happy because both these traits seem to elude you.


Panic: You are an over reactor who is often in a state of alert. You create panic in your body and in your life by an unconscious choice you make to overreact. When you do this you release certain body chemicals such as adrenalin that actually make you more anxious and create panic feelings. Your heart pounds, your breathing becomes difficult and shallow, you feel spacey, you begin to sweat, and your mind begins the what-if fearful thoughts. If your in a car you worry about losing control while driving, if your in crowd you worry about being trapped or doing something foolish, if you’re up high on a balcony you may worry about falling…or worse yet, jumping! Your mind is racing now. You know you’re going to die or lose control. You need to get out. You need to breath. You need to go somewhere safe…but where? You are in a full blown panic attack. It is frightening and overwhelming. Nothing matters but feeling in control again. Possibly you run to the emergency room, to your family doctor, or to a therapist. Possibly you take medication. If you suffer with panic attacks control is important to you. You want to know how long, how far, and how many people will be there. You need to feel safe and in control at all times. You live with a constant fear of panic attacks. Sometimes you panic for no real reason. Other times you may avoid places and activities that have caused panic attacks before. You may plan your life around anticipation and avoidance of future attacks. Panic attacks are horrifying. You are convinced you are dying, losing your mind, or losing control in some way.

Take 2

This is the second attempt at this post, this first time around C1 ( my 2 yr old unplugged my computer and I lost it all.... So Take 2!!

today I had to go to the grocery store, and I was so hopeful and optimistic that i debated going on the highway to the store in the next town , but I did not for 2 reasons. 1, I didnt have a lot of time, and 2 maybe it was too big of a store to conquer just yet..

I went to a store about 5-7 minutes away depending on lights, I did okay, mid way through I got anxious but it went , I actually did the line check out instead of self check out, I always do self to keep myself busy, the guy who got behind me had an oxygen tank, go figure right, I do okay, I am walking out and get very anxious as my foot feels numb, being numb is a huge trigger for me... I know I will be fine once I start to load the car up, and I was , I start to leave and I swear it hit me like a ton of bricks, I had started to panic, as bad as its gotten in awhile...Id say I was full on panic by the time i got to the arbys drive thru, which I decided to stop despite the hard time I was having.. I got through it but I remember thinking about death and dying, and fainting and all the sudden I look down and there is a cut on my finger and that freaks me out apparently, I get to the drive thru and have to wait in a line and I do not have my phone, I have Ds phone, so I cannot call my safe person, I had not taken my vitamin, I had no gum and no water ( until after the drive thru guy handed me my water) I was without all my support people and objects, which is a good thing for long term recovery, but a bad thing for my mindset right then and there. I get back out on the road and get stuck at a light, I feel light headed and dizzy and I stop to think about my breathing and how thats probably causing it, it didnt help at all :( I thought maybe it would, I tried to calm myself down, but I ended up arguing with my thoughts and getting no where, back on the road, the car in front of me went 10 below the speed limit... I get home the literally the moment I get out of the car, I was alright... I just wish my mind would stop doing this to me, I shouldnt act or talk like a victim in the situation but I cant help it right now, I had finally been able to go to the store ..without worry and now I will worry about even driving those 5-7 minutes away now... depressing..discouraging.devastating ..

I got home and took my vitamin and I am okay now... Ive been okay since almost the moment I walked in, I did take a 30 minute cat nap , because I was very light headed, I am sure it had to do with my low blood sugar and the fact that I am getting sick, and not fainting like I like to jump to.

My kids are driving me batty today , I am sure the high stress has something to do with my recent issues. ( just hit save c1 is by the plug) I need a break from my life for a little bit, my kids fight with each other non stop and scream non stop, I just need a slow down for a little bit, to breathe...

Anyways , I hope everyone has a great weekend.. I have no plans.. I look forward to doing nothing.

New Layout!!

Isnt it pretty!?!? :) I got a disney ticker on here too, now you too know how long before I have brave driving 17 hours, or rather riding I am not driving at all :) I upgraded our resort today I just cant do Value resort its not for me... I also upgraded BIL and SILs , I will be paying the 250 for their upgrade as well, I figure...for 250 dollars for a week a bigger room and better transportation, I would be a fool not to...!!

Today I ventured to the bank and to subway ( all in my safe radius) I did cheat with subway and called ahead and ordered to avoid the lunchtime subway line... I didnt even get anxious and this was pre vitamin taking too!!! big step... Anyways, today I feel optimistic, its been awhile since I've felt hopeful, its a nice change for me, Since I am a negative person by nature, or as a therapist once told me, I was that way by choice, either way , its who I am.. Today I feel like I will be alright and I will get through this, like I have before, and I credit a lot of that , to this Panic attacks workbook, I cannot tell you how much it has helped me. It really shines a new light on panic disorder, and understandable mangagable point of view, that panic is nothing more than a mindset, its not dangerous.. I really hope to find a therapist that knows a thing or two about anxiety, it seems every one I have had so far has known so little, the last one told me I wasnt agoraphobic, because I didnt fear when her office door was closed?? Which I knew was very untrue.. so I am hoping to be able to find one that has dealt with Panic disorder before and knows the ins and outs of it :)

I have been on the phone with Disney for an hour now by the way.grrrr..!!