Quickly

Wanted to mention that I went and took C1 ( my middle child) to get a haircut today, I sat in the chair, and anyone with panic disorder knows, sitting in a beauticians chair is a big deal... and then went to the store afterward to get him a toy, All without getting anxious... There was an hour wait, I was going to go to a different place, but I couldnt bring myself to get on the highway..I am trying to focus on the fact that I went and I did GREAT... Baby steps

Its Storming

They say when it rains it pours,I guess when it pours for me it storms. This has little to do with anxiety and more to do with life. I always wonder what I've done so horrible to deserve such bad karma, I have a lot of blessings in life, but it always seems something is there to pull me down, once I get comfortable something jilts me back into hard times. I don't understand it, and I am not sure I want to. I am one of those people that refuses to let the door slam in someones face, and that always says hello to people, and never complains when the elderly stop me in the store and want to talk about sale prices or the good ole days. Still the bad karma finds me, I cannot imagine the karma that finds the people that have done pure evil. I could say its not fair and it sucks, but those are both givens. What I am going to say, is that god has a plan, even when I don't see it or merely understand it, he has a bigger picture, and in that bigger picture, all is right in the world.

Where it all began 10 years Ago

I was 15 years old, living a normal life, I had amazing friends and a great social life. I worked at an Italian Ice Stand. It was about 10 minutes before closing time and a family came in, I was making their sno cones, when I went to change the ice I hit the pedal before I had taken my hand out... It didnt do anything to me, but make me FREAK out..luckily the family that stopped was a god send and helped me out, I thought I was going to faint...I did not.. no panic attack then

Fast forward to the next day...I was in 2nd or 3rd period History or English class ( Amazing how the details have since faded) ..and there it was... My first ever attack, I was drinking Dr.Pepper and I went to the nurses office a friend came with me. The nurse asked if I was on some kind of drugs, I was not obviously, it was a panic attack, I thought for sure I would faint right then and there, hence, my number one all time fear.. fainting, and lucky me, thats what anxiety makes you feel like you are going to do..

I to this day, Do not eat sno cones or DRINK Dr. pepper, they are both VERY big triggers for me.. From there my life was never the same, it was changing schools, yeah big deal to me, I had it all at my school, I was popular , well liked, I had an amazing life there, but I couldnt handle classes anymore, I left that school and went to a half day type school where I did get my diploma. I was put on an anti-depressant and Klonopin . and my anxiety seemed to have gotten better, at 17 I went off to college. I lived a normal life... I dropped out of college, biggest mistake I ever made, I got pregnant at 18 ... March 23rd 2004, I had a terrible Anxiety attack... and it all came back... it happens like this every so often.. then Ill resume normal life... However.. In 2008 I was pregnant with my third child and decided I was done with medication, so from October 2008-September of 2010 I was off all medication and I just dealt with it......

On September 17th 2010, I was 20 minutes away from home, when I got stung by a bee on my lip, my lip went numb and all the sudden the negative thoughts started, what if I am allergic, and then I felt like I couldnt swallow, and I could of course and I KNOW i am not allergic, I had all 3 kids 20 minutes away from home, I had to medicate drive home a MESS with 3 kids in the backseat and I talked to D the entire way home, but I made it...So September 18th, My nieces birthday, we get 6 minutes away and I start to lose it... I am now back where I always end up, powerless over my own life, I feel like I do not even control my own thoughts or emotions anymore.


So I have anxiety, Panic disorder, which induces mild agoraphobia, I've always avoided the agoraphobia by making sure I left the house no matter how uncomfortable it was ... I can honestly say that is NOT the case this time, I am still leaving the house and driving within my safe radius, but nothing like I was. I know it will take time to get back to where I used to be, but I am NOT at all a patient person.


I have what some people call, medical or health anxiety, and I am a hypochondriac, trust me if I hear it, I have it, I don't make it public that I think I have it, or that it will happen to me , but its in my head and it controls my thoughts.

One psychiatrist once pointed out that right before my attacks started, I had lost my grandfather, my first and only major loss my entire life, she said that a lot of my anxiety probably came from the loss of a loved one, it makes sense, my fear of death of anything medical that may cause death... There is a lot that I need to sort out.

Things like accidents on the highway or ambulances are triggers, shows on T.V like ER, or anything with a tragic hospital scene, not to mention hospitals themselves, which is silly since I have been through 9 major surgeries, and I am only 25. Also managed to have 3 children and get 4 tattoos with my fear of needles, Ive flown twice and rode in a car for a 24 hr trip. Some would say that most of my life has been a success story. I do acknowledge my triumphs with this disorder, but I tend to focus more on the downfalls. I am in a rut right not that I cannot get out of, I am angry with myself. That is not going to get me anywhere...

Anyways, I am glad I finally shared, it was tough to type out and relive..

blahhhh

thats how I feel today..Nothing really new, today has been a pretty normal non anxious day, my first in awhile, I just dont really feel well today...!! Other than that things are great.. by great I do mean I havent tried to drive anywhere or left the house, but still great .... This weekend is trick or treat I am excited about that.. Its thursday and thankfully this week flew by!!!

The most uneventful blog post EVER!! LOL!!!

I am going to get back to reading my anxiety and phobia workbook and working out of it, I think that it can help me.

SO HAPPY!!!

I took my kids to trunk or treat with my mom tonight, just 3 kids and her and I, there was an hour long line and anyone who has panic disorder, knows lines are the enemy....!! but I did medicate before I went, who cares, I GOT THROUGH IT!!! without water or gum, and mostly without my phone, I used it somewhat, but not like usual, I am very proud of myself right now...WOOHOO, I did use some acceptance stuff, I didnt fight the anxiety or the thoughts I simply told myself, I am uncomfortable but I am NOT in danger, and that I had to do this for my kids! So I am on CLOUD 9 RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!

Driving

crap crap crap...

I waited to get my license until I was 22 years old .. I am now 25, Ive had it for almost 3 years and driving at times was somewhat an issue, but I dont remember it ever being this bad..and its because I allowed to anxiety to rule my life.. I have no idea what I am going to do, going to the store, 2 minutes away was a big deal today, maybe just maybe..It was because I allowed myself to FEAR being anxious so I got anxious..I have no idea.. but this sucks, I want to be able to do things like before, 2 weeks ago , I went grocery shopping with pretty much no issues, I have to keep leaving the house because if I don't, it will never get better, but pushing myself is so hard even if it is for the better. I feel bad for D, because I have to depend on him for most things right now and thats not fair , I am the runner, ive always been the runner and he enjoyed that, now he has to run most places..I really need to get over this.. stupid stupid anxiety.

Started Good

Ended not so well.... My youngest son fell and busted his mouth open, thankfully my sister was here and could deal with it, usually works out like that for some reason, I think the man upstairs has more control than I give him credit for. anyways, I dont do well with injury or especially blood.... :( I called my mother to come over and she was very cruel when she got here, as she often is, very cold and impersonal, ohwell we haven't fought in such a long time that it was bound to happen, I know I wasnt wrong and I am not backing down and saying that I was.... anyways the fall prompted a very high stage 3 for me..grr... I could just go to bed if I wouldn't wake up t at 3 AM WIDE awake....

On another note, on my message board someone suggested this site.. I have never read a better explanation of Panic Disorder than he gives, its like its me 100 percent, the bottle of water, the gum, the phone calls... I can not drive nad NOT be on the phone and anyone who knows me knows that, I plan on reading more tonight and maybe even ordering his workbook. I already have a workbook I never use , that has really high reviews, so I question spending money on a new one.

http://www.anxietycoach.com/panicdisorder.html


There is the site and it is my life day in and day out......

I did NOT medicate , so thats good, I am determined to beat this to get over it and to overcome it this time, I've wasted too much of my life afraid.