10/18/12 4 A.M

I am laying awake ( well sitting) at 4 A.M!! So  many things racing through my mind, I haven't blogged or written anything down in so long, but I remember just how much it seemed to always help in bad times !! I haven't been doing real great lately with my anxiety and panic disorder. In fact I would probably say that its gotten pretty bad over recent months!!! It seems I have the same basic fears, they are just triggered more easily now... and by more easily, I mean EVERYTHING triggers it... I tried going med free again and did okay for awhile, but honestly, I dont think that is the quality of life that  I desire, to be on edge all the time.. :( I am awake tonight, because my cat woke me up at 2 A.M and here I am a little over 2 hours later, and who knows when I will actually fall back asleep!! I have this weird pain in my neck and for some reason to me that triggers panic.. I mean I know why it does, but I am not sure I am ready to share that just yet... I mean writing it down means admitting it exists right? I am not at that step at this point in time!!!

My Husband is at work, and wont be home for 2 hours and 45 minutes, I would give anything for him to be here right now, just so I could feel safe!! I just want to feel safe and I want to be able to relax enough to fall back asleep! I wish there was an end in site for this round of anxiety and panic ridden stage in my life.. but I think its here for awhile this go round, I will need to learn new ways to manage it and over come !! I am at the point where I just want to feel sorry for myself, and I realize that is not going to get my anywhere with my recovery but throwing a tantrum is just how I feel at the moment!!!

Please someone take it away!! I just want to go back to sleep!!! 

o

New Fears....

It seems that after 10 years of anxiety, going on 11, my fears have almost shifted into new fears. The old ones are still there, and they still make me anxious, but this NEW found fear that I've had for the last year, seems more prevalent than my old fear! My new fear, of an allergic reaction, yes and of course that would mean death, because what else would it mean?? Shessh!!! You always hear these horror stories about allergic reactions and  I am sure that its going to happen to me, or even my kids!!! All the sudden trying new foods or even eating foods prepared by other people in an envoirment where there might be something I am allergic to, brings on the anxiety... oh and for the record, I have no allergies that I've noticed in my 26 years of life, I can tell you right now how irrational this fear is, I know that, why can't I convince myself of that in times of extreme fear and panic? I know that I have no allergies( at least that I know of) and in 26 years I've been exposed to a lot of things and I've never gone into shock, and never had to call 911. I do however have sensitive skin, and sometimes I will get a rash, and I am certain that means death, AND IT EVEN MEANT MY FIRST ER visit, that was not pregnancy related in probably 6 or 7 years :(


Take me back to yesterday when C1 got stung by a bee, his very first bee sting ever, of course I have no idea if hes allergic, so I start to panic, I have no idea what to do, or what I will do if he starts to react, all I know is, my mind has already started to react like something had happened , when nothing had. I am here to say that he is not allergic to bees and I was able to calm myself down ( hours later) without medication, I avoid it at all costs while at home in a safe environment!  Today my skin is itchy, who the hell knows why, maybe its  natures sick joke, make its anxietys sick joke, all I know is, I just want it to go away... I mean everyone itches sometimes, and it surely doesnt have to mean I am dying or reacting to something... My mind is sure a crazy place to be sometimes... ( ok most of time ;) )  I hope everyone has a wonderful Wednesday!!!

1 Year later

Hi Everyone, I know its been awhile, its been a long while, my life is pretty much unchanged since last time I wrote.. Some things are different, I did recently see a therapist and psychiatrist, I really should go to therapy regularly. I just cannot seem to keep appointments, of any kind. Maybe thats irresponsible, maybe its just plain lazy...either way I am no good at it... The Dr. started me on a new medicine called Ativan, and I take it as needed, 1 MG, so after 10 years of the same as needed medicine, I am on a new path! It is very helpful.. I can say while I am always anxious , I rarely have attacks, and my agoraphobia, while not completely conquered, I am doing at least 100x better than where I was last year. I managed Disney, medicated the ride down and I think one day while we were there, otherwise, it was amazing!!! Also road tripped 10 hours to NC, and no attacks. I am so thankful for the progress I have made.. Its been amazing to enjoy life again... The anxiety and panic are still there, they will always be there, but  I feel like I have taken my life partially back from their horrible disorder!! Healing or beginning to heal is an amazing feeling... I have Panic Disorder, and I am always anxious normally but I won't let it control me.  I am determined to live the life I have, and to stop worrying about when I won't be here anymore, because the truth is, I am here NOW, after death happens.. after my fear does happen, there is no more.. this is all I've been given  and if I don't choose to take control then it would have been a waste, and I don't want to look back at that, I want looking back to be filled with laughter and happiness, so that's what I plan to do, fill my life with great times and great people...!!!

Back in Action

I've been MIA for awhile, and I am unsure if anyone even still checks here... But I want to say that I am still struggling probably now worse than ever... I am just not doing really well..I hope everyone else has had better success than I have... The holidays are over....Now there is not too much time before our disney trip and I am still unsure how I will make it...sigh....Anyways I do plan on picking this up again...

On another note the, agoraphobia has gotten much worse, I can leave with my safe person and go pretty far.. but its without him and driving that I am still have a ton of issues , its winter and I dont usually go many places anyway in the winter, i am so looking forward to spring..!

ever feel

Like your whole world is falling apart and everything you ever believed  in , you now question ?? I guess if you can answer yes then you know where I am right now. Where I find myself questioning things I've done decisions I've made, people  I chose to let it and those I've managed to cut out......

Welcome back insomnia.

Last night was terrible, I am not sure what it was, my mind was racing I felt like I couldn't breathe, I was anxious, luckily I didnt medicated and I didnt Panic, I did use some belly breathing techniques and that seemed to do the trick!! But I am exhausted today about 2.5-3 hrs of sleep, and I've been baking cookies all day... what I wouldn't give for a nap or just to lay in bed and close my eyes for awhile...The snow is getting out of control here, like over  a foot on the group and it just keeps coming..!! I am ready for it to stop, its insane out there and I do not like to drive, let alone drive in the snow.!!!

C1 and C2 both have terrible colds...and P is grounded makes for a hectic stressful week ahead, but D is only working 8 hours days I will sure miss the money, but its nice to have him home with us, to help with the kids...I am going to try and lay down for a bit and home the babes can entertain  themselves, I can hardly keep my eyes open!!!